MT&HUMOROF 
ABRAHAM  LINCOLN 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 

OF 

ABRAHAM    LINCOLN 

Gathered  Front  Authentic  Sources 


BY 
CARLETON  B.  CASE 


SHREWESBURY  PUBLISHING  CO. 
CHICAGO 


Copyright,  1924, 

by 

Shrewesbury  Publishing  Co. 

Made  in  U.  S.  A. 


LINCOLN  CHRONOLOGY 

1806 — Marriage  of  Thomas  Lincoln  and  Nancy  Hanks. 

June  12th,  Washington  County,  Kentucky. 
1809 — Born    February    12th,    Hardin     (now    La    Rue 

County),  Kentucky. 
1816 — Family  Removed  to  Perry  County,  Indiana. 
1818 — Death    of    Abraham's    Mother,    Nancy    Hanks 

Lincoln. 
1819 — Second     Marriage     Thomas     Lincoln;     Married 

Sally  Bush  Johnston,  December  2d,  at  Eliza- 

bethtown,  Kentucky. 
1830—  -Lincoln   Family   Removed   to   Illinois,   Locating 

in  Macon  County. 
1831 — Abraham  Located  at  New  Salem. 
1832 — Abraham  a  Captain  in  the  Black  Llawk  War. 
1833 — Appointed  Postmaster  at  New  Salem. 
1834 — Abraham  as  a  Surveyor.     First  Election  to  the 

Legislature. 
1835 — Love  Romance  with  Anne  Rutledge. 
1836 — Second  Election  to  the  Legislature. 
1837 — Licensed  to  Practice  Law. 
1838 — Third  Election  to  the  Legislature. 
1840 — Presidential      Elector      on      Harrison      Ticket. 

Fourth  Election  to  the  Legislature. 
1842 — Married      November      4th,      to      Mary      Todd. 

"  Duel  "  with  General  Shields. 
1843 — Birth  of  Robert  Todd  Lincoln,  August  1st. 
1846 — Elected  to  Congress.     Birth  of  Edward  Baker 

Lincoln,  March  10th. 

1818 — Delegate  to  the  Philadelphia  National  Conven- 
tion. 


LINCOLN  CHRONOLOGY 

1850 — Birth  of  William  Wallace  Lincoln,  December  2d. 
1853 — Birth  of  Thomas  Lincoln,  April  4th. 
1855 — Assists  in  Formation  Republican  Party. 
1858 — Joint  Debater  with  Stephen  A.  Douglas.     De- 
feated for  the  United  States  Senate. 
1860 — Nominated  and  Elected  to  the  Presidency. 
1861 — Inaugurated  as  President,  March  4th. 
1863 — Issued  Emancipation  Proclamation. 
1864 — Reelected  to  the  Presidency. 

1865 — Assassinated  by  J.  Wilkes  Booth,  April  14th. 
Died  April  15th.  Remains  Interred  at 
Springfield,  Illinois,  May  4th. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 
OF  ABRAHAM  LINCOLN 


INTRODUCTORY 

Whenever  Abraham  Lincoln  wanted  to  make  a 
strong  point  he  usually  began  by  saying,  "  Now,  that 
reminds  me  of  a  story."  And  when  he  had  told  the 
story  every  one  saw  the  point  and  was  put  into  a  good 
humor. 

Before  Lincoln  was  ever  heard  of  as  a  lawyer  or 
politician,  he  was  famous  as  a  story  teller.  As  a  poli- 
tician, he  always  had  a  story  to  fit  the  other  side;  as 
a  lawyer,  he  won  many  cases  by  telling  the  jury  a 
story  which  showed  them  the  justice  of  his  side  better 
than  any  argument  could  have  done. 

While  nearly  all  of  Lincoln's  stories  have  a  humor- 
ous side,  they  also  contain  a  moral,  which  every  good 
story  should  have. 

They  contain  lessons  that  could  be  taught  so  well 
in  no  other  way.  Every  one  of  them  is  a  sermon. 
Lincoln,  like  the  Man  of  Galilee,  spoke  to  the  people  in 
parables. 

Nothing  that  can  be  written  about  Lincoln  can  show 
his  character  in  such  a  true  light  as  the  yarns  and 
stories  he  was  so  fond  of  telling,  and  at  which  he  would 
laugh  as  heartily  as  anyone. 

For  a  man  whose  life  was  so  full  of  great  responsi- 
5 


6  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

bilities,  Lincoln  had  many  hours  of  laughter  when  the 
humorous,  fun-loving  side  of  his  great  nature  asserted 
itself. 

Every  person  to  keep  healthy  ought  to  have  one 
good  hearty  laugh  every  day.  Lincoln  did,  and  the 
stories  at  which  he  laughed  will  continue  to  furnish 
laughter  to  all  who  appreciate  good  humor,  with  a 
moral  point  and  spiced  with  that  true  philosophy  bred 
in  those  who  live  close  to  nature  and  to  the  people 
around  them. 

Of  all  the  Presidents  of  the  United  States,  and  in- 
deed of  all  the  great  statesmen  who  have  made  their 
indelible  impress  upon  the  policy  of  the  Republic,  Abra- 
ham Lincoln  stands  out  single  and  alone  in  his  indi- 
vidual qualities.  He  had  little  experience  in  states- 
manship when  he  was  called  to  the  Presidency.  He 
had  only  a  few  years  of  service  in  the  State  Legislature 
of  Illinois,  and  a  single  term  in  Congress  ending  twelve 
years  before  he  became  President,  but  he  had  to  grapple 
with  the  gravest  problems  ever  presented  to  the  states- 
manship of  the  nation  for  solution,  and  he  met  each 
and  all  of  them  in  turn  with  the  most  consistent  mastery, 
and  settled  them  so  successfully  that  all  have  stood  un- 
questioned until  the  present  time,  and  are  certain  to  en- 
dure while  the  Republic  lives. 

In  this  he  surprised  not  only  his  own  cabinet  and  the 
leaders  of  his  party  who  had  little  confidence  in  him 
when  he  first  became  President,  but  equally  surprised 
the  country  and  the  world. 

He  was  patient,  tireless  and  usually  silent  when  great 
conflicts  raged  about  him  to  solve  the  appalling  prob- 
lems which  were  presented  at  various  stages  of  the  war 
for  determination,  and  when  he  reached  his  conclusion 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  7 

lie  was  inexorable.  The  wrangles  of  faction  and  the 
jostling  of  ambition  were  compelled  to  bow  when  Lin- 
coln had  determined  upon  his  line  of  duty. 

He  was  much  more  than  a  statesman ;  he  was  one  of 
the  most  sagacious  politicians,  although  he  was  en- 
tirely unschooled  in  the  machinery  by  which  political 
results  are  achieved.  His  judgment  of  men  was  next  to 
unerring,  and  when  results  were  to  be  attained  he  knew 
the  men  who  should  be  assigned  to  the  task,  and  he 
rarely  made  a  mistake. 

Lincoln's  public  acts  are  familiar  to  every  school  boy 
of  the  nation,  but  his  personal  attributes,  which  are  so 
strangely  distinguished  from  the  attributes  of  other 
great  men,  are  now  the  most  interesting  study  of  young 
and  old  throughout  our  land,  and  there  can  be  no  more 
acceptable  presentation  to  the  public  than  a  compila- 
tion of  anecdotes  and  incidents  pertaining  to  the  life 
of  the  greatest  of  all  our  Presidents. 


LINCOLN'S  LOVE  OF  HUMOR 

It  was  once  said  of  Shakespeare  that  the  great  mind 
that  conceived  the  tragedies  of  "  Hamlet,"  "  Macbeth," 
etc.,  would  have  lost  its  reason  if  it  had  not  found  vent 
in  the  sparkling  humor  of  such  comedies  as  "  The  Merry 
Wives  of  Windsor  "  and  "  The  Comedy  of  Errors." 

The  great  strain  on  the  mind  of  Abraham  Lincoln 
produced  by  four  years  of  civil  war  might  likewise  have 
overcome  his  reason  had  it  not  found  vent  in  the  yarns 
and  stories  he  constantl}-  told.  No  more  fun-loving  or 
humor-loving  man  than  Abraham  Lincoln  ever  lived. 
He  enjoyed  a  joke  even  when  it  was  on  himself,  and 
probably,  while  he  got  his  greatest  enjoyment  from  tell- 


8  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

ing  stories,  he  had  a  keen  appreciation  of  the  humor  in 
those  that  were  told  him. 

His  favorite  humorous  writer  was  David  R.  Locke, 
better  known  as  "  Petroleum  V.  Nasby,"  whose  political 
satires  were  quite  famous  in  their  day.  Nearly  every 
prominent  man  who  has  written  his  recollections  of 
Lincoln  has  told  how  the  President,  in  the  middle  of  a 
conversation  on  some  serious  subject,  would  suddenly 
stop  and  ask  his  hearer  if  he  ever  read  the  Nasby  let- 
ters. 

Then  he  would  take  from  his  desk  a  pamphlet  con- 
taining the  letters  and  proceed  to  read  them,  laughing 
heartily  at  all  the  good  points  they  contained.  There 
is  probably  no  better  evidence  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  love 
of  humor  and  appreciation  of  it  than  his  letter  to  Nasby, 
in  which  he  said:  "For  the  ability  to  write  these 
things  I  would  gladly  trade  places  with  you." 


LINCOLN'S  LOVE  AFFAIRS 

Previous  to  his  marriage  Mr.  Lincoln  had  two  love 
affairs,  one  of  them  so  serious  that  it  left  an  impression 
upon  his  whole  future  life.  One  of  the  objects  of  his 
affection  was  Miss  Mary  Owen,  of  Green  county,  Ken- 
tucky, who  decided  that  Mr.  Lincoln  "  was  deficient  in 
those  little  links  which  make  up  the  chain  of  woman's 
happiness."  The  affair  ended  without  any  damage  to 
Mr.  Lincoln's  heart  or  the  heart  of  the  lady. 


STORY  OF  ANNE  RUTLEDGE 

Lincoln's  first  love,  however,  hajl  a  sad  termina- 
tion. The  object  of  his  affections  at  that  time  was 
Anne  Rutledge,  whose  father  was  one  of  the  founders 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  9 

of  New  Salem.  Like  Miss  Owen,  Miss  Rutledge  was 
also  born  in  Kentucky,  and  was  gifted  with  the  beauty 
and  graces  that  distinguish  many  Southern  women.  At 
the  time  that  Mr.  Lincoln  and  Anne  Rutledge  were  en- 
gaged to  be  married,  he  thought  himself  too  poor  to 
properly  support  a  wife,  and  they  decided  to  wait  until 
such  time  as  he  could  better  his  financial  condition.  A 
short  time  thereafter  Miss  Rutledge  was  attacked  with 
a  fatal  illness,  and  her  death  was  such  a  blow  to  her  in- 
tended husband  that  for  a  long  time  his  friends  feared 
that  he  would  lose  his  mind. 


MARRIES  A  SPRINGFIELD  BELLE 

Among  the  social  belles  of  Springfield  was  Mary 
Todd,  a  handsome  and  cultivated  girl  of  illustrious 
descent  which  could  be  traced  back  to  the  sixth  century, 
to  whom  Mr.  Lincoln  was  married  in  1842.  Stephen 
A.  Douglas  was  his  competitor  in  love  as  well  as  in  poli- 
tics. He  courted  Mary  Todd  until  it  became  evident 
that  she  preferred  Mr.  Lincoln. 

Mrs.  Lincoln  was  of  the  average  height,  weighing 
about  a  hundred  and  thirty  pounds.  She  was  rather 
compactly  built,  had  a  well  rounded  face,  rich  dark- 
brown  hair,  and  bluish-gray  eyes.  In  her  bearing  she 
was  proud,  but  handsome  and  vivacious ;  she  was  a  good 
conversationalist,  using  with  equal  fluency  the  French 
and  English  languages. 

When  she  used  a  pen,  its  point  was  sure  to  be  sharp, 
and  she  wrote  with  wit  and  ability.  She  not  only  had  a 
quick  intellect  but  an  intuitive  judgment  of  men  and 
their   motives.     Ordinarilv    she   was   affable   and   even 


10  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

charming  in  her  manners ;  but  when  offended  or  antag- 
onized she  could  be  very  bitter  and  sarcastic. 

In  hei  figure  and  physical  proportions,  in  education, 
bearing,  temperament,  history  —  in  everything  she  was 
the  exact  reverse  of  Lincoln0 

That  Mrs.  Lincoln  was  very  proud  of  her  husband 
there  is  no  doubt;  and  it  is  probable  that  she  married 
him  largely  from  motives  of  ambition.  She  knew  Lin- 
coln better  than  he  knew  himself;  she  instinctively  felt 
that  he  would  occupy  a  proud  position  some  day,  and  it 
is  a  matter  of  record  that  she  told  Ward  Lamon,  her 
husband's  law  partner,  that  "  Mr.  Lincoln  will  yet  be 
President  of  the  United  States." 

Mrs.  Lincoln  was  decidedly  pro-slavery  in  her  views, 
but  this  never  disturbed  Lincoln.  In  various  ways  they 
were  unlike.  Her  fearless,  witty,  and  austere  nature 
had  nothing  in  common  with  the  calm,  imperturbable, 
and  simple  ways  of  her  thoughtful  and  absent-minded 
husband.  She  was  bright  and  sparkling  in  conversa- 
tion, and  fit  to  grace  any  drawing-room.  She  well  knew 
that  to  marry  Lincoln  meant  not  a  life  of  luxury  and 
ease,  for  Lincoln  was  not  a  man  to  accumulate  wealth; 
but  in  him  she  saw  position  in  society,  prominence  in  the 
world,  and  the  grandest  social  distinction.  By  that 
means  her  ambition  was  certainly  satisfied,  for  nineteen 
years  after  her  marriage  she  was  "  the  first  lady  of  the 
land,"  and  the  mistress  of  the  White  House. 

After  his  marriage,  by  dint  of  untiring  efforts  and  the 
recognition  of  influential  friends,  the  couple  managed 
through  rare  frugality  to  move  along.  In  Lincoln's 
struggles,  both  in  the  law  and  for  political  advancement, 
his  wife  shared  his  sacrifices.  She  was  a  plucky  little 
woman,  and  in  fact  endowed  with  a  more  restless  am- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  11 

bition  than- he.  She  was  gifted  with  a  rare  insight  into 
the  motives  that  actuate  mankind,  and  there  is  no  doubt 
that  much  of  Lincoln's  success  was  in  a  measure  at- 
tributable to  her  acuteness  and  the  stimulus  of  her  in- 
fluence. 

His  election  to  Congress  within  four  years  after 
their  marriage  afforded  her  extreme  gratification.  She 
loved  power  and  prominence,  and  was  inordinately 
proud  of  her  tall  and  ungainly  husband.  She  saw  in 
him  bright  prospects  ahead,  and  his  every  move  was 
watched  by  her  with  the  closest  interest.  If  to  other 
persons  he  seemed  homely,  to  her  he  was  the  embodi- 
ment of  noble  manhood,  and  each  succeeding  day  im- 
pressed upon  her  the  wisdom  of  her  choice  of  Lincoln 
over  Douglas  —  if  in  reality  she  ever  seriously  accepted 
the  latter's  attentions. 

"  Mr.  Lincoln  may  not  be  as  handsome  a  figure,"  she 
said  one  day  in  Lincoln's  law  office  during  her  hus- 
band's absence,  when  the  conversation  turned  on  Doug- 
las, "  but  the  people  are  perhaps  not  aware  that  his 
heart  is  as  large  as  his  arms  are  long." 


TELLING  STORIES  ON  THE  CIRCUIT 

The  court  circuit  in  those  days  was  the  scene  of 
many  a  story-telling  joust,  in  which  Lincoln  was  always 
the  chief.  Frequently  he  would  sit  up  until  after  mid- 
night reeling  off  story  after  story,  each  one  followed  by 
roars  of  laughter  that  could  be  heard  all  over  the  coun- 
try tavern,  in  which  the  story-telling  group  was  gath- 
ered. Every  type  of  character  would  be  represented 
in  these  groups,  from  the  learned  judge  on  the  bench 
down  to  the  village  loafer. 


12  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

Lincoln's  favorite  attitude  was  to  sit  with  his  long 
legs  propped  up  on  the  rail  of  the  stove,  or  with  his  feet 
against  the  wall,  and  thus  he  would  sit  for  hours  enter- 
taining a  crowd,  or  being  entertained. 

One  circuit  judge  was  so  fond  of  Lincoln's  stories 
that  he  often  would  sit  up  until  midnight  listening  to 
them,  and  then  declare  that  he  had  laughed  so  much  he 
believed  his  ribs  were  shaken  loose. 


GAINS  FAME  AS  A  STORY-TELLER 

It  was  about  this  time,  too,  that  Lincoln's  fame  as  a 
story-teller  began  to  spread  far  and  wide.  His  sayings 
and  his  jokes  were  repeated  throughout  that  section  of 
the  country,  and  he  was  famous  as  a  story-teller  before 
anyone  ever  heard  of  him  as  a  lawyer  or  a  politician. 


"  CAPTAIN  LINCOLN  "  PLEASED  HIM 

When  the  Blackhawk  War  broke  out,  Lincoln  was 
one  of  the  first  to  respond  to  Governor  Reynolds'  call 
for  a  thousand  mounted  volunteers  to  assist  the  United 
States  troops  in  driving  Blackhawk  back  across  the 
Mississippi.  Lincoln  enlisted  in  the  company  from 
Sangamon  county  and  was  elected  captain.  He  often 
remarked  that  this  gave  him  greater  pleasure  than  any- 
thing that  had  happened  in  his  life  up  to  this  time.  He 
had,  however,  no  opportunities  in  this  war  to  perform 
any  distinguished  service. 

Upon  his  return  from  the  Blackhawk  War,  in  which, 
as  he  said  afterward,  in  a  humorous  speech,  when  in 
Congress,  that  he  "  fought,  bled  and  came  away,"  he 
was  an  unsuccessful  candidate  for  the  Legislature.    This 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  13 

was  the  only  time  in  his  life,  as  he  himself  has  said,  that 
he  was  ever  beaten  by  the  people.  Although  defeated, 
in  his  own  town  of  New  Salem  he  received  all  of  the 
two  hundred  and  eight  votes  cast  except  three. 


FAILURE  AS  A  BUSINESS  MAN 

One  of  Lincoln's  business  ventures  was  with  William 
Berry  in  a  general  store,  under  the  firm  name  of  Lin- 
coln &  Berry,  but  it  did  not  take  long  to  show  that  he 
was  not  adapted  for  a  business  career.  The  firm  failed, 
Berry  died  and  the  debts  of  the  firm  fell  entirely  upon 
Lincoln.  Many  of  these  debts  he  might  have  escaped 
legally,  but  he  assumed  them  all  and  it  was  not  until 
fifteen  years  later  that  the  last  indebtedness  of  Lincoln 
&  Berry  was  discharged.  During  his  membership  in 
this  firm  he  had  applied  himself  to  the  study  of  law,  be- 
ginning at  the  beginning,  that  is  with  Blackstone. 
Now  that  he  had  nothing  to  do  he  spent  much  of  his 
time  tying  under  the  shade  of  a  tree  poring  over  law 
books,  borrowed  from  a  comrade  in  the  Blackhawk  War, 
who  was  then  a  practicing  lawyer  at  Springfield. 


HIS  POOR  RELATIONS 

One  of  the  most  beautiful  traits  of  Mr.  Lincoln's 
character  was  his  considerate  regard  for  the  poor  and 
obscure  relatives  he  had  left,  plodding  along  in  their 
humble  ways  of  life.  Wherever  upon  his  circuit  he 
found  them,  he  always  went  to  their  dwellings,  ate 
with  them,  and,  when  convenient,  made  their  houses  his 
home.  He  never  assumed  in  their  presence  the  slight- 
est superiority  to  them.     He  gave  them  money  when 


14  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

they  needed  it  and  he  had  it.  Countless  times  he  was 
known  to  leave  his  companions  at  the  village  hotel, 
after  a  hard  day's  work  in  the  court-room,  and  spend 
the  evening  with  these  old  friends  and  companions  of 
his  humbler  days.  On  one  occasion,  when  urged  not 
to  go,  he  replied,  "  Why,  Aunt's  heart  would  be 
broken  if  I  should  leave  town  without  calling  upon 
her ;  "  yet,  he  was  obliged  to  walk  several  miles  to  make 
the  call. 


DESERTER'S  SINS  WASHED  OUT  IN 
BLOOD 

This  was  the  reply  made  by  Lincoln  to  an  applica- 
tion for  the  pardon  of  a  soldier  who  had  shown  him- 
self brave  in  war,  had  been  severely  wounded,  but 
afterward  deserted: 

"  Did  you  say  he  was  once  badly  wounded  ? 

"  Then,  as  the  Scriptures  say  that  in  the  shedding 
of  blood  is  the  remission  of  sins,  I  guess  we'll  have  to 
let  him  off  this  time." 


BOOKS  READ  BY  LINCOLN  IN  HIS  EARLY 
LIFE 

The  books  which  Abraham  had  the  early  privilege 
of  reading  were  the  Bible,  much  of  which  he  could 
repeat,  "  .ZEsop's  Fables/'  all  of  which  he  could  repeat, 
"  Pilgrim's  Progress,"  Weem's  "  Life  of  Washington," 
and  a  "  Life  of  Henry  Clay,"  which  his  mother  had 
managed  to  purchase  for  him.  Subsequently  he  read 
the  "  Life  of  Franklin  "  and  Ramsay's  "  Life  of  Wash- 
ington."    In  these  books,  read  and  re-read,  he  found 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  15 

meat  for  his  hungry  mind.  The  Holy  Bible,  iEsop  and 
John  Bunyan  —  could  three  better  books  have  been 
chosen  for  him  from  the  richest  library  ? 

For  those  who  have  witnessed  the  dissipating  effects 
of  many  books  upon  the  minds  of  modern  children,  it  is 
not  hard  to  believe  that  Abraham's  poverty  of  books 
was  the  wealth  of  his  life.  These  three  books  did 
much  to  perfect  that  which  his  mother's  teaching  had 
begun,  and  to  form  a  character  which,  for  quaint  sim- 
plicity, earnestness,  truthfulness  and  purity,  has  never 
been  surpassed  among  the  historic  personages  of  the 
world.  The  "  Life  of  Washington,"  while  it  gave  him 
a  lofty  example  of  patriotism,  incidentally  conveyed 
to  his  mind  a  general  knowledge  of  American  history; 
and  the  "  Life  of  Henry  Clay  "  spoke  to  him  of  a  liv- 
ing man  who  had  risen  to  political  and  professional 
eminence  from  circumstances  almost  as  humble  as  his 
own. 

The  latter  book  undoubtedly  did  much  to  excite  his 
taste  for  politics,  to  kindle  his  ambition,  and  to  make 
him  a  warm  admirer  and  partisan  of  Henry  Clay. 


LINCOLN'S  FIRST  SPEECH 

Lincoln  made  his  first  speech  when  he  was  a  mere 
boy,  going  barefoot,  his  trousers  held  up  by  one  sus- 
pender, and  his  shock  of  hair  sticking  through  a  hole 
in  the  crown  of  his  cheap  straw  hat. 

"  Abe,"  in  company  with  Dennis  Hanks,  attended 
a  political  meeting,  which  was  addressed  by  a  typical 
stump  speaker  —  one  of  those  loud-voiced  fellows  who 
shouted  at  the  top  of  his  voice  and  waved  his  arms 
wildly. 


16  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  speech,  which  did  not  meet 
the  views  either  of  "  Abe  "  or  Dennis,  the  latter  de- 
clared that  "  Abe  "  could  make  a  better  speech  than 
that.  Whereupon  he  got  a  dry-goods  box  and  called 
on  "  Abe  "  to  reply  to  the  campaign  orator. 

Lincoln  threw  his  old  straw  hat  on  the  ground,  and, 
mounting  the  dry-goods  box,  delivered  a  speech  which 
held  the  attention  of  the  crowd  and  won  him  consider- 
able applause.  Even  the  campaign  orator  admitted 
that  it  was  a  fine  speech  and  answered  every  point  in 
his  own  "  oration." 


LINCOLN  AS  A  LAWYER 

Two  things  were  essential  to  his  success  in  manag- 
ing a  case.  One  was  time;  the  other  was  a  feeling  of 
confidence  in  the  justice  of  the  cause  he  represented. 

He  used  to  say:  "  If  I  can  free  this  case  from 
technicalities  and  get  it  properly  swung  to  the  jury, 
I'll  win  it." 

The  following  reply  was  overheard  in  Lincoln's 
law-office,  where  he  was  in  conversation  with  a  man 
who  appeared  to  have  a  case  that  Lincoln  did  not  de- 
sire: "Yes,"  he  said,  "we  can  doubtless  gain  your 
case  for  you;  we  can  set  a  whole  neighborhood  at  log- 
gerheads; we  can  distress  a  widowed  mother  and  her 
six  fatherless  children,  and  thereby  get  for  you  six 
hundred  dollars  to  which  you  seem  to  have  a  legal 
claim,  but  which  rightfully  belongs,  it  appears  to  me, 
as  much  to  the  woman  and  children  as  it  does  to  you. 
You  must  remember  that  some  things  legally  right  are 
not  morally  right.  We  shall  not  take  your  case,  but 
will  give  you  a  little  advice  for  which  we  will  charge 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  17 

you  nothing.  You  seem  to  be  a  sprightly,  energetic 
man;  we  would  advise  you  to  try  your  hand  at  making 
six  hundred  dollars  in  some  other  way." 


LINCOLN  AND  THE  BRAGGART 

James  Larkins  was  a  great  hand  to  brag  on  any- 
thing he  owned.  This  time  it  was  his  horse.  He 
stepped  up  before  Abe,  who  was  in  a  crowd,  and  com- 
menced talking  to  him,  boasting  all  the  while  of  his 
animal. 

"  I  have  got  the  best  horse  in  the  country,"  he 
shouted  to  his  young  listener.  "  I  ran  him  nine  miles 
in  exactly  three  minutes,  and  he  never  fetched  a  long 
breath." 

"  I  presume,"  said  Abe,  rather  dryly,  "  he  fetched  a 
good  many  short  ones  though." 


INCIDENT  IN  THE  BLACK  HAWK  WAR 

An  old  Indian  strayed,  hungry  and  helpless,  into  the 
camp  one  day.  The  soldiers  were  conspiring  to  kill 
him  as  a  spy. 

A  letter  from  General  Cass,  recommending  him,  for 
his  past  kind  and  faithful  service  to  the  whites,  the 
trembling  old  savage  drew  from  beneath  the  folds  of 
his  blankets ;  but  failed  in  any  degree  to  appease  the 
wr«**th  of  the  men  who  confronted  him.  "  Make  an 
example  of  him,"  they  exclaimed;  "the  letter  is  a  for- 
gery, and  he  is  a  spy." 

They  might  have  put  their  threats  into  execution 
had  not  the  tall  form  of  their  captain,  his  face  swarthy 


18  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

with    resolution    and    rage5    interposed    itself    between 
them  and  their  defenseless  victim. 

Lincoln's  determined  look  and  demand  that  it  must 
not  be  done  were  enough.  They  sullenly  desisted,  and 
the  Indian,  unmolested,  continued  on  his  way. 


KICKED  OUT  OF  BED 

Dr.  Co  S.  Richardson,  now  a  resident  of  Indian- 
apolis, met  Lincoln  at  Charleston  when  the  doctor  was 
engaged  in  dentistry  in  the  early  50's. 

"  Mr.  Lincoln  came  to  my  boarding-house,"  writes 
Dr.  Richardson,  "  and  our  acquaintance  soon  became 
close  and  friendly.  Mr.  Lincoln  made  Charleston  his 
headquarters  during  important  court  sessions.  When 
the  city  was  very  crowded  Mr.  Lincoln  and  I  bunked 
together  to  accommodate  our  landlady. 

"  On  one  such  occasion  '  Abe  '  partook  too  much  of 
extra  strong  corn  beef  and  fricasseed  honey  cakes  and 
other  rambunctious  dainties  with  inclinations  toward 
nightmare.  Suddenly  he  planted  his  No.  10's  square 
in  the  middle  of  my  back  and  knocked  me  out  of  the 
four-poster  to  the  center  of  the  dingy  bedroom. 

"  Not  to  be  outdone,  I  tiptoed  downstairs,  drew  a 
bucketful  of  water  and  dashed  the  water  square  in 
the  snoring  countenance  of  Abraham  Linclon.  He 
slammed  the  door  in  my  face  and  left  me  to  sleep  on 
the  rug  just  outside  the  door." 

WELL  WORTH  THE  MONEY 

During  the  early  years  of  his  career  as  a  lawyer, 
Abraham  Lincoln  traveled  the  old  Eighth  Circuit  in 
central  Illinois.     Lincoln  and  Judge  David  Davis  were 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  19 

fast  friends  from  the  beginning,  and  the  judge  always 
showed  a  keen  appreciation  of  Lincoln's  stories. 

"  I  was  never  fined  but  once  for  contempt  of  court/' 
says  a  man  who  was  a  clerk  of  court  in  Lincoln's  day. 
"  Davis  fined  me  five  dollars.  Mr.  Lincoln  had  just 
come  in,  and  leaning  over  my  desk,  had  told  me  a  story 
so  irresistibly  funny  that  I  broke  out  in  a  loud  laugh. 
The  judge  called  me  to  order,  saying,  '  This  must  be 
stopped.  Mr.  Lincoln,  you  are  constantly  disturbing 
this  court  with  your  stories.' 

"  Then  he  said  to  me,  *  You  may  fine  yourself  five 
dollars.'  I  apologized  to  the  court,  but  told  the  judge 
that  the  story  was  worth  the  money.  In  a  few  minutes 
the  judge  called  me  to  him.  'What  was  that  story 
Lincoln  told  you?'  he  asked.  I  told  him,  and  he 
laughed  aloud  in  spite  of  himself.  '  Remit  your  fine,' 
he  ordered." 


A  NOTED  HORSE  TRADE  IN  WHICH  LIN- 
COLN CONFESSED  HE  GOT  THE  WORST 
OF  IT 

When  Abraham  Lincoln  was  a  lawyer  in  Illinois,  he 
and  a  certain  judge  once  got  to  bantering  one  another 
about  trading  horses;  and  it  was  agreed  that  the  next 
morning  at  nine  o'clock  they  should  make  a  trade,  the 
horses  to  be  unseen  up  to  that  hour,  and  no  backing 
out,  under  a  forfeiture  of  $25. 

At  the  hour  appointed,  the  Judge  came  up,  leading  the 
sorriest-looking  specimen  of  a  horse  ever  seen  in  those 
parts.  In  a  few  minutes  Mr.  Lincoln  was  seen  ap- 
proaching with  a  wooden  saw-horse  upon  his  shoulders. 
Great  were  the  shouts  and  laughter  of  the  crowd,  and 


20  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

both  were  greatly  increased  when  Mr.  Lincoln,  on  sur- 
veying the  Judge's  animal,  set  down  his  saw-horse,  and 
exclaimed :  "  Well,  Judge,  this  is  the  first  time  I  ever 
got  the  worst  of  it  in  a  horse  trade." 


THE  UGLIEST  MAN 

Mr.  Lincoln  enjoyed  a  joke  at  his  own  expense. 
Said  he:  "  In  the  days  when  I  used  to  be  in  the  cir- 
cuit, I  was  accosted  in  the  cars  by  a  stranger,  who  said, 
■  Excuse  me,  sir,  but  I  have  an  article  in  my  possession 
which  belongs  to  you/  '  How  is  that?  '  I  asked,  con- 
siderably astonished. 

"  The  stranger  took  a  jacknife  from  his  pocket. 
'  This  knife,'  said  he,  '  was  placed  in  my  hands  some 
years  ago,  with  the  injunction  that  I  was  to  keep  it 
until  I  had  found  a  man  uglier  than  myself.  I  have 
carried  it  from  that  time  to  this.  Allow  me  to  say, 
sir,  that  I  think  you  are  fairly  entitled  to  the  prop- 
erty.' " 


NO  VICES  — FEW  VIRTUES 

Riding  at  one  time  in  the  stage,  with  an  old  Ken- 
tuckian  who  was  returning  from  Missouri,  Lincoln 
excited  the  old  gentleman's  surprise  by  refusing  to  ac- 
cept either  of  tobacco  or  French  brandy. 

When  they  separated  that  afternoon,  the  Kentuckian 
to  take  another  stage  bound  for  Louisville,  he  shook 
hands  warmly  with  Lincoln,  and  said  good-humoredly, 
"  See  here,  stranger,  you're  a  clever  but  strange  com- 
panion. I  may  never  see  you  again,  and  I  don't  want 
to  offend  you,  but  I  want  to  say  this:      My  experience 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  21 

lias  taught  me  that  a  man  who  has  no  vices  has  d d 

few  virtues.     Good-day." 

Lincoln    enjoyed   this    reminiscence   of   his   journey, 
and  took  great  pleasure  in  relating  it. 


LINCOLN'S  PROPHECY 

An    old   copy-book    of    Lincoln's    has   the    following 
written  when  he  was  fourteen  years  old: 

"  'Tis  Abraham  Lincoln  holds  the  pen, 
He  will  be  good,  but  God  knows  when ! " 


"  DONE  WITH  THE  BIBLE  " 

Lincoln  never  told  a  better  story  than  this : 

A  country  meeting-house,  that  was  used  once  a 
month,  was  quite  a  distance  from  any  other  house. 

The  preacher,  an  old-line  Baptist,  was  dressed  in 
coarse  linen  pantaloons,  and  shirt  of  the  same  ma- 
terial. The  pants,  manufactured  after  the  old  fash- 
ion, with  baggy  legs,  and  a  flap  in  the  front,  were  made 
to  attach  to  his  frame  without  the  aid  of  suspenders. 

A  single  button  held  his  shirt  in  position,  and  that 
was  at  the  collar.  He  rose  up  in  the  pulpit,  and  with 
a  loud  voice  announced  his  text  thus :  "  I  am  the 
Christ  whom  I  shall  represent  to-day." 

About  this  time  a  little  blue  lizard  ran  up  his  roomy 
pantaloons.  The  old  preacher,  not  wishing  to  inter- 
rupt the  steady  flow  of  his  sermon,  slapped  away  on 
his  leg,  expecting  to  arrest  the  intruder,  but  his  ef- 
forts were  unavailing,  and  the  little  fellow  kept  on 
ascending  higher  and  higher. 

Continuing   the   sermon,   the   preacher   loosened    the 


22  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

central  button  which  graced  the  waistband  of  his  panta- 
loons, and  with  a  kick  off  came  that  easy-fitting  gar- 
ment. 

But,  meanwhile,  Mr.  Lizard  had  passed"  the  equa- 
torial line  of  the  waistband,  and  was  calmly  exploring 
that  part  of  the  preacher's  anatomy  which  lay  under- 
neath the  back  of  his  shirt. 

Things  were  now  growing  interesting,  but  the  ser- 
mon was  still  grinding  on.  The  next  movement  on  the 
preacher's  part  was  for  the  collar  button,  and  with  one 
sweep  of  his  arm  off  came  the  tow  linen  shirt. 

The  congregation  sat  for  an  instant  as  if  dazed;  at 
length  one  old  lady  in  the  rear  part  of  the  room  rose  up, 
and,  glancing  at  the  excited  object  in  the  pulpit, 
shouted  at  the  top  of  her  voice:  "  If  you  represent 
Christ,  then  I'm  done  with  the  Bible." 


"ADAM'S  ALE,"  LINCOLN'S  ONLY  BEV- 
ERAGE 

Immediately  after  Mr.  Lincoln's  nomination  for 
President  at  the  Chicago  Convention,  a  committee,  of 
which  Governor  Morgan,  of  New  York,  was  Chairman, 
visited  him  in  Springfield,  111.,  where  he  was  officially 
informed  of  his  nomination. 

After  this  ceremony  had  passed,  Mr.  Lincoln  re- 
marked to  the  company  that  as  an  appropriate  con- 
clusion to  an  interview  so  important  and  interesting  as 
that  which  had  just  transpired,  he  supposed  good  man- 
ners would  require  that  he  should  treat  the  committee 
with  something  to  drink;  and  opening  the  door  that 
led  into  the  rear,  he  called  out,  "  Mary !  Mary !  "  A 
girl  responded  to  the  call,  to  whom  Mr.  Lincoln  spoke 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  23 

a  few  words  in  an  undertone,  and,  closing  the  door, 
returned  again  and  conversed  with  his  guests.  In  a 
few  minutes  the  maiden  entered,  bearing  a  large 
waiter,  containing  several  glass  tumblers,  and  a  large 
pitcher  in  the  midst,  and  placed  it  upon  the  center- 
table.  Mr.  Lincoln  arose,  and  gravely  addressing  the 
company,  said:  "  Gentlemen,  we  must  pledge  our  mu- 
tual health  in  the  most  healthy  beverage  that  God  has 
given  to  man  —  it  is  the  only  beverage  I  have  ever 
used  or  allowed  my  family  to  use,  and  I  cannot  con- 
scientiously depart  from  it  on  the  present  occasion.  It 
is  pure  Adam's  ale  from  the  spring;"  and,  taking  the 
tumbler,  he  touched  it  to  his  lips,  and  pledged  them  his 
highest  respects  in  a  cup  of  cold  water.  Of  course, 
all  his  guests  were  constrained  to  admire  his  con- 
sistency, and  to  join  in  his  example. 


COLONEL  BAKER  DEFENDED  BY  LIN- 
COLN 

On  one  occasion,  Colonel  Baker  was  speaking  in  a 
courthouse,  which  had  been  a  storehouse,  and,  on  mak- 
ing some  remarks  that  were  offensive  to  certain  polit- 
ical rowdies  in  the  crowd,  they  cried:  "  Take  him  off 
the  stand !  "  Immediate  confusion  ensued,  and  there 
was  an  attempt  to  carry  the  demand  into  execution. 
Directly  over  the  speaker's  head  was  an  old  scuttle,  at 
which  it  appeared  Mr.  Lincoln  had  been  listening  to 
the  speech.  In  an  instant,  Mr.  Lincoln's  feet  came 
through  the  scuttle,  followed  by  his  tall  and  sinewy 
frame,  and  he  was  standing  by  Colonel  Baker's  side. 
He  raised  his  hand,  and  the  assembly  subsided  into 
silence. 


24  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  let  us  not  dis- 
grace the  age  and  country  in  which  we  live.  This  is  a 
land  where  freedom  of  speech  is  guaranteed.  Mr. 
Baker  has  a  right  to  speak,  and  ought  to  be  permitted 
to  do  so.  I  am  here  to  protect  him,  and  no  man  shall 
take  him  from  this  stand  if  I  can  prevent  it." 

The  suddenness  of  his  appearance,  his  perfect  calm- 
ness and  fairness,  and  the  knowledge  that  he  would  do 
what  he  had  promised  to  do,  quieted  all  disturbance, 
and  the  speaker  concluded  his  remarks  without  diffi- 
culty. 


LINCOLN  DEFENDS  THE  SON  OF  AN  OLD 
FRIEND,  INDICTED  FOR  MURDER 

Jack  Armstrong,  the  leader  of  the  "  Clary  Grove 
Boys,"  with  whom  Lincoln  early  in  life  had  a  scuffle 
which  "  Jack  "  agreed  to  call  "  a  drawn  battle,"  in  con- 
sequence of  his  own  foul  play,  afterward  became  a 
life-long,  warm  friend  of  Mr.  Lincoln.  Later  in  life 
the  rising  lawyer  would  stop  at  Jack's  cabin  home,  and 
here  Mrs.  Armstrong,  a  most  womanly  person,  learned 
to  respect  Mr.  Lincoln.  There  was  no  service  to 
which  she  did  not  make  her  guest  abundantly  wel- 
come, and  he  never  ceased  to  feel  the  tenderest  grati- 
tude for  her  kindness. 

At  length  her  husband  died,  and  she  became  depend- 
ent upon  her  sons.  The  oldest  of  these,  while  in  at- 
tendance upon  a  camp  meeting,  found  himself  involved 
in  a  melee,  which  resulted  in  the  death  of  a  young  man, 
and  young  Armstrong  was  charged  by  one  of  his  as- 
sociates with  striking  the  fatal  blow.  He  was  ex- 
amined, and  imprisoned  to  await  his  trial.      The  public 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  25 

mind  was  in  a  blaze  of  excitement,  and  interested 
parties  fed  the  flame. 

Mr.  Lincoln  knew  nothing  of  the  merits  of  this  case, 
that  is  certain.  He  only  knew  that  his  old  friend, 
Mrs.  Armstrong,  was  in  sore  trouble;  and  he  sat  down 
at  once,  and  volunteered  by  letter  to  defend  her  son. 
His  first  act  was  to  secure  the  postponement,  and  a 
change  of  the  place  of  trial.  There  was  too  much  fever 
in  the  minds  of  the  immediate  public  to  permit  of  fair 
treatment.  When  the  trial  came  on,  the  case  looked 
very  hopeless  to  all  but  Mr.  Lincoln,  who  had  assured 
himself  that  the  young  man  was  not  guilty.  The  evi- 
dence on  behalf  of  the  State  being  all  in,  and  looking 
like  a  solid  and  consistent  mass  of  testimony  against 
the  prisoner,  Mr.  Lincoln  undertook  the  task  of  analyz- 
ing it,  and  destroying  it,  which  he  did  in  a  manner  that 
surprised  every  one.  The  principal  witness  testified 
that  "  by  the  aid  of  the  brightly  shining  moon  he  saw 
the  prisoner  inflict  the  death  blow  with  a  slung  shot." 
Mr.  Lincoln  proved  by  the  almanac  that  there  was  no 
moon  shining  at  that  time.  The  mass  of  testimony 
against  the  prisoner  melted  away,  until  "  not  guilty  " 
was  the  verdict  of  every  man  present  in  the  crowded 
court-room. 

There  is,  of  course,  no  record  of  the  plea  made  on 
this  occasion,  but  it  is  remembered  as  one  in  which 
Mr.  Lincoln  made  an  appeal  to  the  sympathies  of  the 
jury,  which  quite  surpassed  his  usual  efforts  of  the 
kind,  and  melted  all  to  tears.  The  jury  were  out  but 
half  an  hour,  when  they  returned  with  their  verdict  of 
"  not  crmlty.'*  The  widow  fainted  in  the  arms  of  her 
son,  who  divided  his  attention  between  his  services  to 
her  and  his  thanks  to  his  deliverer.     And  thus  the  kind 


26  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

woman  who  cared  for  the  poor  young  man,  and  showed 
herself  a  mother  to  him  in  his  need,  received  the  life 
of  a  son,  saved  from  a  cruel  conspiracy,  as  her  reward, 
from  the  hands  of  her  grateful  beneficiary. 


A  WRESTLING  MATCH 

There  lived,  at  the  time  young  Lincoln  resided  at 
New  Salem,  111.,  in  and  around  the  village,  a  band  of 
rollicking  fellows,  or,  more  properly,  roistering  row- 
dies, known  as  the  "  Clary's  Grove  Boys."  The  special 
tie  that  united  them  was  physical  courage  and  prowess. 
These  fellows,  although  they  embraced  in  their  number 
many  men  who  have  since  become  respectable  and  in- 
fluential, were  wild  and  rough  beyond  toleration  in  any 
community  not  made  up  like  that  which  produced  them. 
They  pretended  to  be  "  regulators,"  and  were  the 
terror  of  all  who  did  not  acknowledge  their  rule;  and 
their  mode  of  securing  allegiance  was  by  flogging  every 
man  who  failed  to  acknowledge  it. 

They  took  it  upon  themselves  to  try  the  mettle  of 
every  new-comer,  and  to  learn  the  sort  of  stuff  he  was 
made  of. 

Some  of  their  number  was  appointed  to  fight,  wrestle, 
or  run  a  foot-race  with  each  incoming  stranger.  Of 
course,  Abraham  Lincoln  was  obliged  to  pass  the  or- 
deal. 

Perceiving  that  he  was  a  man  who  would  not  easily 
be  floored,  they  selected  their  champion,  Jack  Arm- 
strong, and  imposed  upon  him  the  task  of  laying  Lin- 
coln upon  his  back. 

There  is  no  evidence  that  Lincoln  was  an  unwilling 
party  to  the  sport,  for  it  was  what  he  had  always  been 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  27 

accustomed  to.  The  bout  was  entered  upon,  but  Arm- 
strong soon  discovered  that  he  had  met  more  than  his 
match. 

The  boys  were  looking  on,  and  seeing  that  their 
champion  was  likely  to  get  the  worst  of  it,  did  after 
the  manner  of  such  irresponsible  bands.  They  gath- 
ered around  Lincoln,  struck  and  disabled  him,  and  then 
Armstrong,  by  "  legging  "  him,  got  him  down. 

Most  men  would  have  been  indignant,  not  to  say 
furiously  angry,  under  such  foul  treatment  as  this;  but 
if  Lincoln  was  either,  he  did  not  show  it.  Getting  up 
in  perfect  good  humor,  he  fell  to  laughing  over  his  dis- 
comfiture, and  joking  about  it.  They  had  all  calcu- 
lated on  making  him  angry,  and  they  intended,  with 
the  amiable  spirit  which  characterized  the  "  Clary's 
Grove  Boys/'  to  give  him  a  terrible  drubbing.  They 
were  disappointed,  and,  in  their  admiration  of  him,  im- 
mediately invited  him  to  become  one  of  the  company. 


LINCOLN  APPLIES  FOR  A  PATENT 

That  he  had  enough  mechanical  genius  to  make  him 
a  good  mechanic  there  is  no  doubt.  With  such  rude 
tools  as  were  at  his  command  he  had  made  cabins  and 
flatboats;  and  after  his  mind  had  become  absorbed  in 
public  and  professional  affairs,  he  often  recurred  to 
his  mechanical  dreams  for  amusement.  One  of  his 
dreams  took  form,  and  he  endeavored  to  make  a  prac- 
tical matter  of  it.  He  had  had  experience  in  the  early 
navigation  of  the  Western  rivers.  One  of  the  most 
serious  hindrances  to  this  navigation  was  low  water, 
and  the  lodgment  of  the  various  craft  on  the  shifting 
shoals  and  bars  with  which  these  rivers  abound.     He 


28  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

undertook  to  contrive  an  apparatus  which,  folded  to  the 
hull  of  the  boat  like  a  bellows,  might  be  inflated  on  oc- 
casions, and,  by  its  levity,  lifted  over  any  obstruction 
upon  which  it  might  rest.  On  this  contrivance,  illus- 
trated by  a  model  whittled  out  by  himself,  and  now 
preserved  in  the  Patent  Office  in  Washington,  he  se- 
cured letters  patent ;  but  it  is  certain  that  the  navigation 
of  the  Western  rivers  was  not  revolutionized  by  it. 


"  HONEST  ABE  "  AS  A  COUNTRY  STORE- 
KEEPER 

Lincoln  could  not  rest  for  an  instant  under  the  con- 
sciousness that  he  had,  even  unwittingly,  defrauded 
anybody.  On  one  occasion,  while  clerking  in  Offutt's 
store,  at  New  Salem,  111.,  he  sold  a  woman  a  little  bale 
of  goods,  amounting  in  value  by  the  reckoning  to  two 
dollars  and  twenty  cents.  He  received  the  money,  and 
the  woman  went  away.  On  adding  the  items  of  the 
bill  again  to  make  himself  sure  of  correctness,  he 
found  that  he  had  taken  six  and  a  quarter  cents  too 
much.  It  was  night,  and,  closing  and  locking  the 
store,  he  started  out  on  foot,  a  distance  of  two  or  three 
miles,  for  the  house  of  his  defrauded  customer,  and, 
delivering  over  to  her  the  sum  whose  possession  had 
so  much  troubled  him,  went  home  satisfied. 

On  another  occasion,  just  as  he  was  closing  the  store 
for  the  night,  a  woman  entered,  and  asked  for  a  half 
pound  of  tea.  The  tea  was  weighed  out  and  paid  for, 
and  the  store  was  left  for  the  night.  The  next  morn- 
ing Lincoln  entered  to  begin  the  duties  of  the  day, 
when  he  discovered  a  four-ounce  weight  on  the  scales. 
He   saw   at   once   that   he   had   made   a   mistake,   and, 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  29 

shutting  the  store,  he  took  a  long  walk  before  break- 
fast to  deliver  the  remainder  of  the  tea.  These  are 
very  humble  incidents,  but  they  illustrate  the  man's 
perfect  conscientiousness  —  his  sensitive  honesty  — 
better,  perhaps,  than  they  would  if  they  were  of  greater 
moment. 


HOW  LINCOLN  EARNED  HIS  FIRST  DOL- 
LAR 

The  following  interesting  story  was  told  by  Mr.  Lin- 
coln to  Mr.  Seward  and  a  few  friends  one  evening  in 
the  Executive  Mansion  at  Washington.  The  Presi- 
dent said :  "  Seward,  you  never  heard,  did  you,  how  I 
earned  my  first  dollar?  " 

"  No,"  rejoined  Mr.  Seward. 

"  Well,"  continued  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  I  belonged,  you 
know,  to  what  they  called  down  South  the  '  scrubs.' 
We  had  succeeded  in  raising,  chiefly  by  my  labor, 
sufficient  produce,  as  I  thought,  to  justify  me  in  tak- 
ing it  down  the  river  to  sell. 

"  After  much  persuasion,  I  got  the  consent  of  mother 
to  go,  and  constructed  a  little  flatboat,  large  enough  to 
take  a  barrel  or  two  of  things  that  we  had  gathered, 
with  myself  and  little  bundle,  down  to  the  Southern 
market.  A  steamer  was  coming  down  the  river.  We 
have,  you  know,  no  wharves  on  the  Western  streams ; 
and  the  custom  was,  if  passengers  were  at  any  of  the 
landings,  for  them  to  go  out  in  a  boat,  the  steamer 
stopping  and  taking  them  on  board. 

"  I  was  contemplating  my  new  flatboat,  and  wonder- 
ing whether  I  could  make  it  stronger  or  improve  it  in 
any  particular,  when  two  men  came  down  to  the  shore 


SO  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

in  carriages  with  trunks,  and  looking  at  the  different 
boats  singled  out  mine,  and  asked,  '  Who  owns  this  ?  ' 
I  answered,  somewhat  modestly,  '  I  do.*  '  Will  you/ 
said  one  of  them,  '  take  us  and  our  trunks  out  to  the 
steamer?'  *  Certainly/  said  I.  I  was  very  glad  to 
have  the  chance  of  earning  something.  I  supposed  that 
each  of  them  would  give  me  one  or  two  or  three  bits. 
The  trunks  were  put  on  my  flatboat,  the  passengers 
seated  themselves  on  the  trunks,  and  I  sculled  them  out 
to  the  steamboat. 

"  They  got  on  board,  and  I  lifted  up  their  heavy 
trunks,  and  put  them  on  deck.  The  steamer  was 
about  to  put  on  steam  again,  when  I  called  out  that 
they  had  forgotten  to  pay  me.  Each  of  them  took 
from  his  pocket  a  silver  half-dollar,  and  threw  it  on  the 
floor  of  my  boat.  I  could  scarcely  believe  my  eyes 
when  I  picked  up  the  money.  Gentlemen,  you  may 
think  it  was  a  very  little  thing,  and  in  these  days 
it  seems  to  me  a  trifle;  but  it  was  a  most  important  inci- 
dent in  my  life.  I  could  scarcely  credit,  that  I,  a  poor 
boy,  had  earned  a  dollar.  The  world  seemed  wider 
and  fairer  before  me.  I  was  a  more  hopeful  and  con- 
fident being  from  that  time." 


LINCOLN  THE  TALLEST  OF  THE  "  LONG 

NINE  " 

The  Sangamon  County  delegation  to  the  Illinois 
Legislature,  in  1834,  of  which  Lincoln  was  a  member, 
consisting  of  nine  representatives,  was  so  remarkable 
for  the  physical  altitude  of  its  members  that  they  were 
known  as  "  The  Long  Nine."  Not  a  member  of  the 
number  was  less  than  six  feet  high,  and  Lincoln  was 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  31 

the  tallest  of  the  nine,  as  he  was  the  leading  man  in- 
tellectually in  and  out  of  the  House. 

Among  those  who  composed  the  House  were  Gen. 
John  A.  McClernand,  afterward  a  member  of  Con- 
gress; Jesse  K.  DeBois,  afterwards  Auditor  of  the 
State;  James  Semple,  afterwards  twice  the  Speaker 
of  the  House  of  Representatives,  and  subsequently 
United  States  Senator;  Robert  Smith,  afterwards  mem- 
ber of  Congress ;  John  Hogan,  afterwards  a  member  of 
Congress  from  St.  Louis;  Gen.  James  Shields,  after- 
wards United  States  Senator  (who  died  recently) ; 
John  Dement,  who  has  since  been  Treasurer  of  the 
State;  Stephen  A.  Douglas,  whose  subsequent  career  is 
familiar  to  all;  Newton  Cloud,  President  of  the  Con- 
vention which  framed  the  present  State  Constitution 
of  Illinois;  John  J.  Hardin,  who  fell  at  Buena  Vista; 
John  Moore,  afterward  Lieutenant-Governor  of  the 
State;  William  A.  Richardson,  subsequently  United 
States  Senator,  and  William  McMurtry,  who  has  since 
been  Lieutenant-Governor  of  the  State. 

This  list  does  not  embrace  all  who  had  then,  or  who 
have  since  been  distinguished,  but  it  is  large  enough  to 
show  that  Lincoln  was,  during  the  term  of  this  Legis- 
lature, thrown  into  association  and  often  into  antag- 
onism, with  the  brightest  men  of  the  new  State. 


HARK  FROM  THE  TOMBS 

"  Fellow-citizens:  My  friend,  Mr.  Douglas,  made 
the  startling  announcement  to-day  that  the  Whigs  are 
all  dead. 

"If  that  be  so,  fellow  citizens,  you  will  now  experi- 
ence the  novelty  of  hearing  a  speech  from  a  dead  man; 


32  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

and  I  suppose  you  might  properly  say,  in  the  language 
of  the  old  hymn : 

"  '  Hark !  from  the  tombs  a  doleful  sound.' ': 


TRUSTED  TILL  THE  "  BRITCHEN  " 
BROKE 

In  the  campaign  of  1852,  Lincoln,  in  reply  to  Doug- 
las' speech,  wherein  he  speaks  of  confidence  in  Provi- 
dence, replied:  "  Let  us  stand  by  our  candidate  (Gen- 
eral Scott)  as  faithfully  as  he  has  always  stood  by  our 
country,  and  I  much  doubt  if  we  do  not  perceive  a 
slight  abatement  of  Judge  Douglas's  confidence  in 
Providence  as  well  as  the  people.  I  suspect  that  con- 
fidence is  not  more  firmly  fixed  with  the  Judge  than  it 
was  with  the  old  woman  whose  horse  ran  away  with 
her  in  a  buggy.  She  said  she  '  trusted  in  Providence 
till  the  britchen  broke,'  and  then  she  '  didn't  know  what 
in  airth  to  do/ 

"  The  chance  is,  the  Judge  will  see  the  britchen 
broke,  and  then  he  can,  at  his  leisure,  bewail  the  fate 
of  Locofocism  as  the  victim  of  misplaced  confidence." 


HE'D  SEE  IT  AGAIN 

About  two  years  before  Lincoln  was  nominated  for 
the  Presidency  he  went  to  Bloomington,  Illinois,  to  try 
a  case  of  some  importance.  His  opponent  —  who 
afterward  reached  a  high  place  in  his  profession  —  was 
a  young  man  of  ability,  sensible  but  sensitive,  and  one 
to  whom  the  loss  of  a  case  was  a  great  blow.  He  there- 
fore studied  hard  and  made  much  preparation. 

This  particular  case  was  submitted  to  the  jury  late 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  S3 

at  night,  and,  although  anticipating  a  favorable  verdict, 
the  young  attorney  spent  a  sleepless  night  in  anxiety. 
Early  next  morning  he  learned,  to  his  great  chagrin, 
that  he  had  lost  the  case. 

Lincoln  met  him  at  the  court-house  some  time  after 
the  jury  had  come  in,  and  asked  him  what  had  be- 
come of  his  case. 

With  lugubrious  countenance  and  in  a  melancholy 
tone  the  young  man  replied,  "  It's  gone  to  hell." 

"  Oh,  well,"  replied  Lincoln,  "  then  you  will  see  it 
again." 


BOAT  HAD  TO  STOP 

Lincoln  never  failed  to  take  part  in  all  political 
campaigns  in  Illinois,  as  his  reputation  as  a  speaker 
caused  his  services  to  be  in  great  demand.  As  was  nat- 
ural, he  was  often  the  target  at  which  many  of  the 
"  Smart  Alecks  "  of  that  period  shot  their  feeble  bolts, 
but  Lincoln  was  so  ready  with  his  answers  that  few  of 
them  cared  to  engage  him  a  second  time. 

In  one  campaign  Lincoln  was  frequently  annoyed  by 
a  young  man  who  entertained  the  idea  that  he  was  a 
born  orator.  He  had  a  loud  voice,  was  full  of  lan- 
guage, and  so  conceited  that  he  could  not  understand 
why  the  people  did  not  recognize  and  appreciate  his 
abilities. 

This  callow  politician  delighted  in  interrupting  pub- 
lic speakers,  and  at  last  Lincoln  determined  to  squelch 
him.  One  night  while  addressing  a  large  meeting  at 
Springfield,  the  fellow  became  so  offensive  that  "  Abe  " 
dropped  the  threads  of  his  speech  and  turned  his  at- 
tention to  the  tormentor. 


34  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"I  don't  object/'  said  Lincoln,  "to  being  inter* 
rupted  with  sensible  questions,  but  I  must  say  that  my 
boisterous  friend  does  not  always  make  inquiries  which 
properly  come  under  that  head.  He  says  he  is  afflicted 
with  headaches,  at  which  I  don't  wonder,  as  it  is  a 
well-known  fact  that  nature  abhors  a  vacuum,  and  takes 
her  own  way  of  demonstrating  it. 

"  This  noisy  friend  reminds  me  of  a  certain  steam- 
boat that  used  to  run  on  the  Illinois  river.  It  was  an 
energetic  boat,  was  always  busy.  When  they  built  it, 
however,  they  made  one  serious  mistake,  this  error  be- 
ing in  the  relative  sizes  of  the  boiler  and  the  whistle. 
The  latter  was  usually  busy,  too,  and  people  were 
aware  that  it  was  in  existence. 

"  This  particular  boiler  to  which  I  have  reference 
was  a  six-foot  one,  and  did  all  that  was  required  of  it 
in  the  way  of  pushing  the  boat  along;  but  as  the  build- 
ers of  the  vessel  had  made  the  whistle  a  six-foot  one, 
the  consequence  was  that  every  time  the  whistle  blew 
the  boat  had  to  stop." 


LINCOLN'S  NAME  FOR  "  WEEPING 
WATER  " 

"  I  was  speaking  one  time  to  Mr.  Lincoln,"  said 
Governor  Saunders,  of  Nebraska,  "  of  a  little  Ne- 
braskan  settlement  on  the  Weeping  Water,  a  stream  in 
our  State." 

"  *  Weeping  Water ! '  said  he. 

"  Then  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye,  he  continued. 

"  *  I  suppose  the  Indians  out  there  call  it  Minneboo- 
hoo,  don't  they?  They  ought  to,  if  Laughing  Water 
is  Minnehaha  in  their  language.'  " 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  35 

HE  "  SKEWED  "  THE  LINE 

When  a  surveyor,  Mr.  Lincoln  first  platted  the  town 
of  Petersburg,  111.  Some  twenty  or  thirty  years  after- 
ward the  property-owners  along  one  of  the  outlying 
streets  had  trouble  in  fixing  their  boundaries.  They 
consulted  the  official  plat  and  got  no  relief.  A  commit- 
tee was  sent  to  Springfield  to  consult  the  distinguished 
surveyor,  but  he  failed  to  recall  anything  that  would 
give  them  aid,  and  could  only  refer  them  to  the  record. 
The  dispute  therefore  went  into  the  courts.  While  the 
trial  was  pending,  an  old  Irishman  named  McGuire, 
who  had  worked  for  some  farmer  during  the  summer, 
returned  to  town  for  the  winter.  The  case  being  men- 
tioned in  his  presence,  he  promptly  said :  "  I  can  tell 
you  all  about  it.  I  helped  carry  the  chain  when  Abe 
Lincoln  laid  out  this  town.  Over  there  where  they  are 
quarreling  about  the  lines,  when  he  was  locating  the 
street,  he  straightened  up  from  his  instrument  and  said : 
'  If  I  run  that  street  right  through,  it  will  cut  three  or 

four  feet  off  the  end  of 's  house.     It's  all  he's  got 

in  the  world  and  he  never  could  get  another.  I  reckon 
it  won't  hurt  anything  out  here  if  I  skew  the  line  a 
little  and  miss  him.'  " 

The  line  was  "  skewed,"  and  hence  the  trouble,  and 
more  testimony  furnished  as  to  Lincoln's  abounding 
kindness  of  heart. 


DIGNIFYING  THE  STATUTE 

Lincoln  was  married  —  he  balked  at  the  first  date 

set  for  the  ceremony  and  did  not  show  up  at  all  — 

November  4,  1842,  under  most  happy  auspices.     The 

officiating  clergyman,  the  Rev.   Mr.  Dresser,  used  the 


36  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

Episcopal  church  service  for  marriage.  Lincoln  placed 
the  ring  upon  the  bride's  finger,  and  said,  "  With  this 
ring  I  now  thee  wed,  and  with  all  my  wordly  goods  I 
thee  endow/' 

Judge  Thomas  C.  Browne,  who  was  present,  ex- 
claimed, "  Good  gracious,  Lincoln !  the  statute  fixes  all 
that!" 

"Oh,  well,"  drawled  Lincoln,  "I  just  thought  I'd 
add  a  little  dignity  to  the  statute." 


"  GET  THERE,  ELI  " 

Lincoln  could  be  arbitrary  when  occasion  required. 
This  is  the  letter  he  wrote  to  one  of  the  Department 
heads : 

"  You  must  make  a  job  of  it,  and  provide  a  place  for 
the  bearer  of  this,  Elias  Wampole.  Make  a  job  of  it 
with  the  collector  and  have  it  done.  You  can  do  it  for 
me,  and  you  must." 

There  was  no  delay  in  taking  action  in  this  matter. 
Mr.  Wampole,  or  "  Eli,"  as  he  was  thereafter  known, 
"  got  there." 


"  WEBSTER  COULDN'T  HAVE  DONE 
MORE  " 

Lincoln  "  got  even  "  with  the  Illinois  Central  Rail- 
road Company,  in  1855,  in  a  most  substantial  way,  and 
at  the  same  time  secured  sweet  revenge  for  an  insult,  un- 
warranted in  every  way,  put  upon  him  by  one  of  the 
officials  of  that  corporation. 

Lincoln  and  Herndon  defended  the  Illinois  Central 
Railroad  in  an  action  brought  by  McLean  County,  Illi- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  37 

nois,  in  August,  1853,  to  recover  taxes  alleged  to  be 
due  the  county  from  the  road.  The  Legislature  had 
granted  the  road  immunity  from  taxation,  and  this  was 
a  case  intended  to  test  the  constitutionality  of  the  law. 
The  road  sent  a  retainer  fee  of  $250. 

In  the  lower  court  the  case  was  decided  in  favor  of 
the  railroad.  An  appeal  to  the  Supreme  Court  fol- 
lowed, was  argued  twice,  and  finally  decided  in  favor 
of  the  road.  This  last  decision  was  rendered  some  time 
in  1855.  Lincoln  then  went  to  Chicago  and  presented 
the  bill  for  legal  services.  Lincoln  and  Herndon  only 
asked  for  $2,000  more. 

The  official  to  whom  he  was  referred,  after  looking 
at  the  bill,  expressed  great  surprise. 

"  Why,  sir,"  he  exclaimed,  "  this  is  as  much  as  Dan- 
iel Webster  himself  would  have  charged.  We  cannot 
allow  such  a  claim. " 

"  Why  not?  "  asked  Lincoln. 

"  We  could  have  hired  first-class  .  lawyers  at  that 
figure,"  was  the  response. 

"  We  won  the  case,  didn't  we?  "  queried  Lincoln. 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  official. 

"  Daniel  Webster,  then,"  retorted  Lincoln  in  no  ami- 
able tone,  "  couldn't  have  done  more,"  and  "  Abe " 
walked  out  of  the  official's  office. 

Lincoln  withdrew  the  bill,  and  started  for  home. 
On  the  way  he  stopped  at  Bloomington,  where  he  met 
Grant  Goodrich,  Archibald  Williams,  Norman  B.  Judd, 
O.  H.  Browning,  and  other  attorneys,  who,  on  learning 
of  his  modest  charge  for  the  valuable  services  rendered 
the  railroad,  induced  him  to  increase  the  demand  to 
$5,000,  and  to  bring  suit  for  that  sum. 

This    was   done   at   once.     On   the  trial   six   lawyers 


38  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

certified  that  the  bill  was  reasonable,  and  judgment  for 
that  sum  went  by  default;  the  judgment  was  promptly 
paid,  and,  of  course,  his  partner,  Herndon,  got  "  your 
half,  Billy,"  without  delay. 


"  ABE  "  RECITES  A  SONG 

Lincoln  couldn't  sing,  and  he  also  lacked  the  faculty 
of  musical  adaptation.  He  had  a  liking  for  certain 
ballads  and  songs,  and  while  he  memorized  and  recited 
their  lines,  someone  else  did  the  singing.  Lincoln 
often  recited  for  the  delectation  of  his  friends,  the  fol- 
lowing, the  authorship  of  which  is  unknown: 

The  first  factional  fight  in  old  Ireland,  they  say, 
Was  all  on  account  of  St.  Patrick's  birthday; 
It  was  somewhere  about  midnight  without  any  doubt, 
And  certain  it  is,  it  made  a  great  rout. 

On  the  eighth  day  of  March,  as  some  people  say, 
St.  Patrick  at  midnight  he  first  saw  the  day; 
While  others  assert  'twas  the  ninth  he  was  born  — 
Twas  all  a  mistake  —  between  midnight  and  morn. 

Some  blamed  the  baby,  some  blamed  the  clock; 
Some  blamed  the  doctor,  some  the  crowing  cock. 
With  all  these  close  questions  sure  no  one  could  know, 
Whether  the  babe  was  too  fast  or  the  clock  was  too  slow. 

Some  fought  for  the  eighth,  for  the  ninth  some  would  die; 
He  who  wouldn't  see  right  would  have  a  black  eye. 
At  length  these  two  factions  so  positive  grew, 
They  each  had  a  birthday,  and  Pat  he  had  two. 

Till  Father  Mulcahay  who  showed  them  their  sins, 
He  said  none  could  have  two  birthdays  but  as  twins. 
"Now,  boys,  don't  be  fighting  for  the  eight  or  the  nine; 
Don't  quarrel  so  always,  now  why  not  combine." 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  39 

Combine  eight  with  nine.     It  is  the  mark; 

Let  that  be  the  birthday.     Amen !  said  the  clerk. 

So  all  got  blind  drunk,  which  completed  their  bliss, 

And  they've  kept  up  the  practice  from  that  day  to  this. 


LINCOLN  ASKED  TO  BE  SHOT 

Lincoln  was,  naturally  enough,  much  surprised  one 
day,  when  a  man  of  rather  forbidding  countenance  drew 
a  revolver  and  thrust  the  weapon  almost  into  his  face. 
In  such  circumstances  "  Abe  "  at  once  concluded  that 
any  attempt  at  debate  or  argument  was  a  waste  of  time 
and  words. 

"What  seems  to  be  the  matter?"  inquired  Lincoln 
with  all  the  calmness  and  self-possession  he  could 
muster. 

"  Well,"  replied  the  stranger,  who  did  not  appear  at 
all  excited,  "  some  years  ago  I  swore  an  oath  that  if 
I  ever  came  across  an  uglier  man  than  myself  I'd  shoot 
him  on  the  spot." 

A  feeling  of  relief  evidently  took  possession  of  Lin- 
coln at  this  rejoinder,  as  the  expression  upon  his 
countenance  lost  all  suggestion  of  anxiety. 

"  Shoot  me,"  he  said  to  the  stranger;  "  for  if  I  am  an 
uglier  man  than  you  I  don't  want  to  live." 


STRETCHED  THE  TRUTH 

George  B.  Lincoln,  a  prominent  merchant  of 
Brooklyn,  was  traveling  through  the  West  in  1855-56, 
and  found  himself  one  night  in  a  town  on  the  Illinois 
River,  by  the  name  of  Naples.  The  only  tavern  of  the 
place  had  evidently  been  constructed  with  reference  to 
business  on  a  small  scale.     Poor  as  the  prospect  seemed, 


40  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

Mr.  Lincoln  had  no  alternative  but  to  put  up  at  the 
place. 

The  supper-room  was  also  used  as  a  lodging-room. 
Mr.  Lincoln  told  his  host  that  he  thought  he  would  "  go 
to  bed." 

"  Bed !  "  echoed  the  landlord.  "  There  is  no  bed  for 
you  in  this  house  unless  you  sleep  with  that  man  yon- 
der.    He  has  the  only  one  we  have  to  spare." 

"  Well/'  returned  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  the  gentleman  has 
possession,  and  perhaps  would  not  like  a  bed-fellow." 

Upon  this  a  grizzly  head  appeared  out  of  the  pil- 
lows, and  said: 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  " 

"  They  call  me  Lincoln  at  home,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Lincoln!  "  repeated  the  stranger;  "  any  connection 
of  our  Illinois  Abraham?  " 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Lincoln.     "  I  fear  not." 

"  Well,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "  I  will  let  any  man 
by  the  name  of  '  Lincoln  '  sleep  with  me,  just  for  the 
sake  of  the  name.  You  have  heard  of  Abe?"  he  in- 
quired. 

"  Oh,  yes,  very  often,"  replied  Mr.  Lincoln.  "  No 
man  could  travel  far  in  this  State  without  hearing  of 
him,  and  I  would  be  very  glad  to  claim  connection  if  I 
could  do  so  honestly." 

"  Well,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "  my  name  is  Sim- 
mons. '  Abe  '  and  I  used  to  live  and  work  together 
when  young  men.  Many  a  job  of  wood-cutting  and 
rail-splitting  have  I  done  up  with  him.  Abe  Lincoln 
was  the  likeliest  boy  in  God's  world.  He  would  work 
all  day  as  hard  as  any  of  us  —  and  study  by  firelight 
in  the  log-house  half  the  night ;  and  in  this  way  he  made 
himself  a  thorough,  practical  surveyor.     Once,  during 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  41 

those  days,  I  was  in  the  upper  part  of  the  State,  and  I 
met  General  Ewing,  whom  President  Jackson  had  sent 
to  the  Northwest  to  make  surveys.  I  told  him  about 
Abe  Lincoln,  what  a  student  he  was,  and  that  I  wanted 
lie  should  give  him  a  job.  He  looked  over  his  memo- 
randum, and,  holding  out  a  paper,  said: 

"'There  is County  must  be  surveyed;  if  your 

friend  can  do  the  work  properly,  I  shall  be  glad  to  have 
him  undertake  it  —  the  compensation  will  be  six  hun- 
dred dollars.' 

"  Pleased  as  I  could  be,  I  hastened  to  Abe,  after 
I  got  home,  with  an  account  of  what  I  had  secured  for 
him.  He  was  sitting  before  the  fire  in  the  log-cabin 
when  I  told  him;  and  what  do  you  think  was  his  an- 
swer? When  I  finished,  he  looked  up  very  quietly, 
and  said: 

Mr.  Simmons,  I  thank  you  very  sincerely  for  your 
kindness,  but  I  don't  think  I  will  undertake  the  job.' 

"  '  In  the  name  of  wonder,'  said  I,  '  why?  Six  hun- 
dred does  not  grow  upon  every  bush  out  here  in  Illi- 
nois.' 

"  '  I  know  that,'  said  Abe,  '  and  I  need  the  money 
bad  enough,  Simmons,  as  you  know;  but  I  have  never 
been  under  obligation  to  a  Democratic  Administration, 
and  I  never  intend  to  be  so  long  as  I  can  get  my  living 
another  way.  General  Ewing  must  find  another  man  to 
do  his  work.'  " 

Mr.  Carpenter  related  this  story  to  the  President  one 
day,  and  asked  him  if  it  were  true. 

"  Pollard  Simmons !  "  said  Lincoln.  "  Well  do  I 
remember  him.  It  is  correct  about  our  working  to- 
gether, but  the  old  man  must  have  stretched  the  facts 
somewhat  about  the  survey  of  the  County.      I  think  I 


42  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

should  have  been  very  glad  of  the  job  at  the  time,  no 
matter  what  Administration  was  in  power." 


ABE  IN  THE  PULLMAN 

George  M.  Pullman,  the  great  sleeping  car  builder, 
once  told  a  joke  in  which  Lincoln  was  the  prominent 
figure.  In  fact,  there  wouldn't  have  been  any  joke  had 
it  not  been  for  "  Long  Abe."  At  the  time  of  the  oc- 
currence, which  was  the  foundation  for  the  joke  —  and 
Pullman  admitted  that  the  latter  was  on  him  —  Pull- 
man was  the  conductor  of  his  only  sleeping-car.  The 
latter  was  an  experiment,  and  Pullman  was  doing  every- 
thing possible  to  get  the  railroads  to  take  hold  of  it. 

"  One  night,"  said  Pullman  in  telling  the  story,  "  as 
we  were  about  going  out  of  Chicago  —  this  was  long 
before  Lincoln  was  what  you  might  call  a  renowned 
man  —  a  long,  lean,  ugly  man,  with  a  wart  on  his 
cheek,  came  into  the  depot.  He  paid  me  fifty  cents, 
and  half  a  berth  was  assigned  him.  Then  he  took  off 
his  coat  and  vest  and  hung  them  up,  and  they  fitted  the 
peg  about  as  well  as  they  fitted  him.  Then  he  kicked 
off  his  boots,  which  were  of  surprising  length,  turned 
into  the  berth,  and,  undoubtedly  having  an  easy  con- 
science, was  sleeping  like  a  healthy  baby  before  the  car 
left  the  depot. 

"  Pretty  soon  along  came  another  passenger  and  paid 
his  fifty  cents.  In  two  minutes  he  was  back  at  me, 
angry  as  a  wet  hen. 

"  '  There's  a  man  in  that  berth  of  mine/  said  he, 
hotly,  '  and  he's  about  ten  feet  high.  How  am  I  going 
to  sleep  there,  I'd  like  to  know?     Go  and  look  at  him.' 

"  In  I  went  —  mad,  too.      The  tall,  lank  man's  knees 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  43 

were  under  his  chin,  his  arms  were  stretched  across  the 
bed  and  his  feet  were  stored  comfortably  —  for  him. 
I  shook  him  until  he  awoke,  and  then  told  him  if  he 
wanted  the  whole  berth  he  would  have  to  pay  $1. 

"  '  My  dear  sir/  said  the  tall  man,  '  a  contract  is  a 
contract.  I  have  paid  you  fifty  cents  for  half  this 
berth,  and,  as  you  see,  I'm  occupying  it.  There's 
the  other  half,'  pointing  to  a  strip  about  six  inches  wide. 
1  Sell  that  and  don't  disturb  me  again.' 

"  And  so  saying,  the  man  with  a  wart  on  his  face 
went  to  sleep  again.  He  was  Abraham  Lincoln,  and 
he  never  grew  any  shorter  afterward.  We  became 
great  friends,  and  often  laughed  over  the  incident." 


TOOK  PART  OF  THE  BLAME 

Among  the  lawyers  who  traveled  the  circuit  with 
Lincoln  was  Usher  F.  Linder,  whose  daughter,  Rose 
Linder  Wilkinson,  has  left  many  Lincoln  reminiscences. 

"  One  case  in  which  Mr.  Lincoln  was  interested 
concerned  a  member  of  my  own  family,"  said  Mrs. 
Wilkinson.  "  My  brother,  Dan,  in  the  heat  of  a  quar- 
rel, shot  a  young  man  named  Ben  Boyle  and  was  ar- 
rested. My  father  was  seriously  ill  with  inflamma- 
tory rheumatism  at  the  time,  and  could  scarcely  move 
hand  or  foot.  He  certainly  could  not  defend  Dan.  I 
was  his  secretary,  and  I  remember  it  was  but  a  day  or 
so  after  the  shooting  till  letters  of  sympathy  began  to 
pour  in.  In  the  first  bundle  which  I  picked  up  there 
was  a  big  letter,  the  handwriting  on  which  I  recognized 
as  that  of  Mr.  Lincoln.  The  letter  was  very  sympa- 
thetic. 

"  '  I   know   how  you   feel,  Linder,'  it  said.     "  I   can 


44  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

understand  your  anger  as  a  father,  added  to  all  the 
other  sentiments.  But  may  we  not  be  in  a  measure  to 
blame  ?  We  have  talked  about  the  defense  of  criminals 
before  our  children;  about  our  success  in  defending 
them;  have  left  the  impression  that  the  greater  the 
crime,  the  greater  the  triumph  of  securing  an  acquittal. 
Dan  knows  your  success  as  a  criminal  lawyer,  and  he 
depends  on  you,  little  knowing  that  of  all  cases  you 
would  be  of  least  value  in  this.' 

"  He  concluded  by  offering  his  services,  an  offer 
which  touched  my  father  to  tears. 

"  Mr.  Lincoln  tried  to  have  Dan  released  on  bail,  but 
Ben  Boyle's  family  and  friends  declared  the  wounded 
man  would  die,  and  feeling  had  grown  so  bitter  that  the 
judge  would  not  grant  any  bail.  So  the  case  was 
changed  to  Marshall  county,  but  as  Ben  finally  re- 
covered it  was  dismissed." 


NO  HALF-WAY  BUSINESS 

Soon  after  Mr.  Lincoln  began  to  practice  law  at 
Springfield,  he  was  engaged  in  a  criminal  case  in  which 
it  was  thought  there  was  little  chance  of  success. 
Throwing  all  his  powers  into  it,  he  came  off  victorious, 
and  promptly  received  for  his  services  five  hundred 
dollars.  A  legal  friend,  calling  upon  him  the  next 
morning,  found  him  sitting  before  a  table,  upon  which 
his  money  was  spread  out,  counting  it  over  and  over. 

"  Look  here,  Judge,"  said  he.  "  See  what  a  heap  of 
money  I've  got  from  this  case.  Did  you  ever  see  any- 
thing like  it  ?  Why,  I  never  had  so  much  money  in  my 
life  before,  put  it  all  together."  Then,  crossing  his 
arms    upon   the   table,   his    manner   sobering   down,   he 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  45 

added:  "I  have  got  just  five  hundred  dollars;  if  it 
were  only  seven  hundred  and  fifty,  I  would  go  directly 
and  purchase  a  quarter  section  of  land,  and  settle  it 
upon  my  old  step-mother." 

His  friend  said  that  if  the  deficiency  was  all  he 
needed,  he  would  loan  him  the  amount,  taking  his  note, 
to  which  Mr.  Lincoln  instantly  acceded. 

His  friend  then  said: 

"  Lincoln,  I  would  do  just  what  you  have  indicated. 
Your  step-mother  is  getting  old,  and  will  not  probably 
live  many  years.  I  would  settle  the  property  upon  her 
for  her  use  during. her  lifetime,  to  revert  to  you  upon 
her  death." 

With  much  feeling,  Mr.  Lincoln  replied : 

"  I  shall  do  no  such  thing.  It  is  a  poor  return  at 
best  for  all  the  good  woman's  devotion  and  fidelity  to 
me,  and  there  is  not  going  to  be  any  halfway  business 
about  it."  And  so  saying,  he  gathered  up  his  money 
and  proceeded  forthwith  to  carry  his  long-cherished 
purpose  into  execution. 


"  FIND  OUT  FOR  YOURSELVES  " 

"  Several  of  us  lawyers,"  remarked  one  of  his  col- 
leagues, "  in  the  eastern  end  of  the  circuit,  annoyed 
Lincoln  once  while  he  was  holding  court  for  Davis  by 
attempting  to  defend  against  a  note  to  which  there 
were  many  makers.  We  had  no  legal,  but  a  good  moral 
defense,  but  what  we  wanted  most  of  all  was  to  stave  it 
off  till  the  next  term  of  court  by  one  expedient  or  an- 
other. 

"  We  bothered  '  the  court '  about  it  till  late  on  Sat- 
urday, the  day  of  adjournment.     He  adjourned  for  sup- 


46  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

per  with  nothing  left  but  this  case  to  dispose  of.  After 
supper  he  heard  our  twaddle  for  nearly  an  hour,  and 
then  made  this  odd  entry. 

"  '  L.  D.  Chaddon  vs.  J.  D.  Beasley  et  al.  April 
Term,  1856  Champaign  County  Court.  Plea  in 
abatement  by  B«  Z.  Green,  a  defendant  not  served, 
filed  Saturday  at  11  o'clock  a.  m.,  April  24,  1856, 
stricken  from  the  files  by  order  of  court.  Demurrer  to 
declaration,  if  there  ever  was  one,  overruled.  Defend- 
ants who  are  served  now,  at  8  o'clock  p.  m.,  of  the  last 
day  of  the  term,  ask  to  plead  to  the  merits,  which  is  de- 
nied by  the  court  on  the  ground  that  the  offer  comes 
too  late,  and  therefore,  as  by  nil  dicet,  judgment  is 
rendered  for  Pl'fF.  Clerk  assess  damages.  A.  Lin- 
coln, Judge  pro  tern.' 

"  The  lawyer  who  reads  his  singular  entry  will  ap- 
preciate its  oddity  if  no  one  else  does.  After  making 
it,  one  of  the  lawyers,  on  recovering  from  his  astonish- 
ment, ventured  to  enquire :  '  Well,  Lincoln,  how  can 
we  get  this  case  up  again  ?  ' 

"  Lincoln  eyed  him  quizzically  for  a  moment,  and 
then  answered,  '  You  have  all  been  so  mighty  smart 
about  this  case,  you  find  out  how  to  take  it  up  again 
yourselves.'  " 


DISCOURAGED  LITIGATION 

Lincoln  believed  in  preventing  unnecessary  litiga- 
tion, and  carried  out  this  in  his  practice.  "  Who  was 
your  guardian  ?  "  he  asked  a  young  man  who  came  to 
him  to  complain  that  a  part  of  the  property  left  him 
had  been  withheld.  "  Enoch  Kingsbury,"  replied  the 
young  man. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  47 

"  I  know  Mr.  Kingsbury/'  said  Lincoln,  "  and  he  is 
not  the  man  to  have  cheated  you  out  of  a  cent,  and  I 
can't  take  the  case,  and  advise  you  to  drop  the  subject." 

And  it  was  dropped. 


HIS  FINANCIAL  STANDING 

A  New  York  firm  applied  to  Abraham  Lincoln,  some 
years  before  he  became  President,  for  information  as  to 
the  financial  standing  of  one  of  his  neighbors.  Mr. 
Lincoln  replied: 

"  I  am  well  acquainted  with  Mr.  ,  and  know  his 

circumstances.  First  of  all,  he  has  a  wife  and  baby; 
together  they  ought  to  be  worth  $50,000  to  any  man. 
Secondly,  he  has  an  office  in  which  there  is  a  table 
worth  $1.50  and  three  chairs  worth,  say  $1.  Last  of 
all,  there  is  in  one  corner  a  large  rat  hole,  which  will 
bear  looking  into.     Respectfully,  A.  Lincoln/' 


THE  DANDY  AND  THE  BOYS 

President  Lincoln  appointed  as  consul  to  a  South 
American  country  a  young  man  from  Ohio  who  was 
a  dandy.  A  wag  met  the  new  appointee  on  his  way 
to  the  White  House  to  thank  the  President.  He  was 
dressed  in  the  most  extravagant  style.  The  wag  hor- 
rified him  by  telling  him  that  the  country  to  which  he 
was  assigned  was  noted  chiefly  for  the  bugs  that 
abounded  there  and  made  life  unbearable. 

"  They'll  bore  a  hole  clean  through  you  before  a 
week  has  passed,"  was  the  comforting  assurance  of 
the  wag  as  they  parted  at  the  White  House  steps. 
The  new  consul  approached  Lincoln  with  disappoint- 


48  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

ment  clearly  written  all  over  his  face.  Instead  of 
joyously  thanking  the  President,  he  told  him  the  wag's 
story  of  the  bugs.  "  I  am  informed,  Mr.  President/' 
he  said,  "  that  the  place  is  full  of  vermin  and  that 
they  could  eat  me  up  in  a  week's  time."  "  Well, 
young  man,"  replied  Lincoln,  "  if  that's  true,  all  I've 
got  to  say  is  that  if  such  a  thing  happened  they  would 
leave  a  mighty  good  suit  of  clothes  behind." 


LINCOLN  AS  A  DANCER 

Lincoln  made  his  first  appearance  in  society  when 
he  was  first  sent  to  Springfield,  111.,  as  a  member  of 
the  State  Legislature.  It  was  not  an  imposing  figure 
which  he  cut  in  a  ballroom,  but  still  he  was  occasion- 
ally to  be  found  there.  Miss  Mary  Todd,  who  after- 
ward became  his  wife,  was  the  magnet  which  drew 
the  tall,  awkward  young  man  from  his  den.  One  even- 
ing Lincoln  approached  Miss  Todd,  and  said,  in  his 
peculiar  idiom: 

"  Miss  Todd,  I  should  like  to  dance  with  you  the 
worst  way." 

After  they  danced,  one  of  her  companions  asked  mis- 
chievously: 

"  Well,    Mary,    did    he    dance    with    }^ou   the    worst 


way? 


Yes,"  she  answered,  "  the  very  worst." 


" RATHER  STARVE  THAN  SWINDLE " 

Ward  Lamon,  once  Lincoln's  law  partner,  relates 
a  story  which  places  Lincoln's  high  sense  of  honor 
in  a  prominent  light.      In  a  certain  case,  Lincoln  and 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  49 

Lamon  being  retained  by  a  gentleman  named  Scott, 
Lamon  put  the  fee  at  $250,  and  Scott  agreed  to  pay- 
it.     Says  Lamon: 

"  Scott  expected  a  contest,  but,  to  his  surprise,  the 
case  was  tried  inside  of  twenty  minutes;  our  success 
was  complete.  Scott  was  satisfied,  and  cheerfully  paid 
over  the  money  to  me  inside  the  bar,  Lincoln  looking 
on.  Scott  then  went  out,  and  Lincoln  asked,  '  What 
did  you  charge  that  man  ?  ' 

"I  told  him  $250.  Said  he:  'Lamon,  that  is  all 
wrong.  The  service  was  not  worth  that  sum.  Give 
him  back  at  least  half  of  it.' 

"  I  protested  that  the  fee  was  fixed  in  advance ; 
that  Scott  was  perfectly  satisfied,  and  had  so  expressed 
himself.  '  That  may  be/  retorted  Lincoln,  with  a  look 
of  distress  and  of  undisguised  displeasure,  '  but  I  am 
not  satisfied.  This  is  positively  wrong.  Go,  call  him 
back  and  return  half  the  money  at  least,  or  I  will  not 
receive  one  cent  of  it  for  my  share.' 

"  I  did  go,  and  Scott  was  astonished  when  I  handed 
back  half  the  fee. 

"  This  conversation  had  attracted  the  attention  of 
the  lawyers  and  the  court.  Judge  David  Davis,  then 
on  our  circuit  bench  (afterwards  Associate  Justice  on 
the  United  States  Supreme  bench),  called  Lincoln  to 
him.  The  judge  never  could  whisper,  but  in  this  in- 
stance he  probably  did  his  best.  At  all  events,  in  at- 
tempting to  whisper  to  Lincoln  he  trumpeted  his  re- 
buke in  about  these  words,  and  in  rasping  tones  that 
could  be  heard  all  over  the  court-room:  '  Lincoln,  1 
have  been  watching  you  and  Lamon.  You  are  im- 
poverishing this  bar  by  your  picayune  charges  of  fees, 
and    the    lawyers    have    reason    to    complain    of    you. 


50  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

You  are  now  almost  as  poor  as  Lazarus,  and  if  you 
don't  make  people  pay  you  more  for  your  services  you 
will  die  as  poor  as  Job's  turkey ! ' 

"  Judge  O.  L.  Davis,  the  leading  lawyer  in  that  part 
of  the  State,  promptly  applauded  this  malediction  from 
the  bench;  but  Lincoln  was  immovable. 

"  *  That  money/  said  he,  '  comes  out  of  the  pocket 
of  a  poor,  demented  girl,  and  I  would  rather  starve  than 
swindle  her  in  this  manner.'  " 


"  WUZ  GOIN'  TER  BE  <  HITCHED  '  " 

"  Abe's  "  nephew  —  or  one  of  them  —  related  a 
story  in  connection  with  Lincoln's  first  love  (Anne 
Rutledge),  and  his  subsequent  marriage  to  Miss 
Mary  Todd.  This  nephew  was  a  plain,  every-day 
farmer,  and  thought  everything  of  his  uncle,  whose 
greatness  he  quite  thoroughly  appreciated,  although 
he  did  not  pose  to  any  extreme  as  the  relative  of  a 
President  of  the  United  States. 

Said  he  one  day,  in  telling  his  story: 

"  Us  child'en,  w'en  we  heerd  Uncle  '  Abe '  wuz 
a-goin'  to  be  married,  axed  Gran'ma  ef  Uncle  '  Abe  ' 
never  hed  hed  a  gal  afore,  an'  she  says,  sez  she,  '  Well, 
"  Abe  "  wuz  never  a  han*  nohow  to  run  'round  visitin' 
much,  or  go  with  the  gals,  neither,  but  he  did  fall  in 
love  with  a  Anne  Rutledge,  who  lived  out  near  Spring- 
field, an'  after  she  died  he'd  come  home  an'  ev'ry  time 
he'd  talk  'bout  her,  he  cried  dreadful.  He  never  could 
talk  of  her  nohow  'thout  he'd  jes*  cry  an'  cry,  like  a 
young  feller.' 

"  Onct  he  tol'  Gran'ma  they  wuz  goin'  ter  be 
hitched,  they  havin'  promised   each  other,  an'  thet  is 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  51 

all  we  ever  heered  'bout  it.  But,  so  it  wuz,  that  arter 
Uncle  '  Abe  '  bed  got  over  his  mournin',  he  wuz  mar- 
ried ter  a  woman  w'ich  bed  lived  down  in  Kentuck. 

"  Uncle  '  Abe  '  bisself  tol'  us  he  wuz  married  the 
nex'  time  he  come  up  ter  our  place,  an'  w'en  we  ast 
him  why  he  didn't  bring  his  wife  up  to  see  us,  he  said: 
1  She's  very  busy  and  can't  come/ 

"But  we  knowed  better'n  that.  He  wuz  too  proud 
to  bring  her  up,  'cause  nothin'  would  suit  her,  nohow. 
She  wuzn't  raised  the  way  we  wuz,  an*  wuz  different 
from  us,  and  we  heerd,  tu,  she  wuz  as  proud  as  cud  be. 

"  No,  an'  he  never  brought  none  uv  the  child'en, 
neither. 

"  But  then,  Uncle  '  Abe,'  he  wuzn't  to  blame.  We 
never  thought  he  wuz  stuck  up." 


PRAISES  HIS  RIVAL  FOR  OFFICE 

When  Mr.  Lincoln  was  a  candidate  for  the  Legisla- 
ture, it  was  the  practice  at  that  date  in  Illinois  for 
two  rival  candidates  to  travel  over  the  district  to- 
gether. The  custom  led  to  much  good-natured  raillery 
between  them ;  and  in  such  contests  Lincoln  was  rarely, 
if  ever,  worsted.  He  could  even  turn  the  generosity 
of  a  rival  to  account  by  his  whimsical  treatment. 

On  one  occasion,  says  Mr.  Weir,  a  former  resident 
of  Sangamon  county,  he  had  driven  out  from  Spring- 
field in  company  with  a  political  opponent  to  engage 
in  joint  debate.  The  carriage,  it  seems,  belonged  to 
his  opponent.  In  addressing  the  gathering  of  farmers 
that  met  them,  Lincoln  was  lavish  in  praise  of  the  gen- 
erosity of  his  friend. 

"  I  am  too  poor  to  own  a  carriage,"  he  said,  "  but 


52  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

my  friend  has  generously  invited  me  to  ride  with  him. 
I  want  you  to  vote  for  me  if  you  will;  but  if  not  then 
vote  for  my  opponent,  for  he  is  a  fine  man." 

His  extravagant  and  persistent  praise  of  his  op- 
ponent appealed  to  the  sense  of  humor  in  his  rural  au- 
dience, to  whom  his  inability  to  own  a  carriage  was 
by  no  means  a  disqualification. 


"  HE'S  JUST  BEAUTIFUL  " 

Lincoln's  great  love  for  children  easily  won  their 
confidence. 

A  little  girl,  who  had  been  told  that  the  President 
was  very  homely,  was  taken  by  her  father  to  see  the 
President  at  the  White  House. 

Lincoln  took  her  upon  his  knee  and  chatted  with  her 
for  a  moment  in  his  merry  way,  when  she  turned  to  her 
father  and  exclaimed: 

"  Oh,  Pa!  he  isn't  ugly  at  all;  he's  just  beautiful!  " 


THE  QUESTION  OF  LEGS 

Whenever  the  people  of  Lincoln's  neighborhood  en- 
gaged in  dispute;  whenever  a  bet  was  to  be  decided; 
when  they  differed  on  points  of  religion  or  politics ; 
when  they  wanted  to  get  out  of  trouble,  or  desired 
advice  regarding  anything  on  the  earth,  below  it,  above 
it,  or  under  the  sea,  they  went  to  "  Abe." 

Two  fellows,  after  a  hot  dispute  lasting  some  hours, 
over  the  problem  as  to  how  long  a  man's  legs  should 
be  in  proportion  to  the  size  of  his  body,  stamped  into 
Lincoln's  office  one  day  and  put  the  question  to  him. 

Lincoln  listened  gravely  to  the  arguments  advanced 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  53 

by  both  contestants,  spent  some  time  in  "  reflecting  " 
upon  the  matter,  and  then,  turning  around  in  his  chair 
and  facing  the  disputants,  delivered  his  opinion  with 
all  the  gravity  of  a  judge  sentencing  a  fellow-being  to 
death. 

"  This  question  has  been  a  source  of  controversy," 
he  said,  slowly  and  deliberately,  "  for  untold  ages,  and 
it  is  about  time  it  should  be  definitely  decided.  It  has 
led  to  bloodshed  in  the  past,  and  there  is  no  reason  to 
suppose  it  will  not  lead  to  the  same  in  the  future. 

"  After  much  thought  and  consideration,  not  to  men- 
tion mental  worry  and  anxiety,  it  is  my  opinion,  all 
side  issues  being  swept  aside,  that  a  man's  lower  limbs, 
in  order  to  preserve  harmony  of  proportion,  should 
be  at  least  long  enough  to  reach  from  his  body  to  the 
ground." 


CASH  WAS  AT  HAND 

Lincoln  was  appointed  postmaster  at  New  Salem 
by  President  Jackson.  The  office  was  given  him  be- 
cause everybody  liked  him,  and  because  he  was  the 
only  man  willing  to  take  it  who  could  make  out  the 
returns.  Lincoln  was  pleased,  because  it  gave  him  a 
chance  to  read  every  newspaper  taken  in  the  vicinity. 
He  had  never  been  able  to  get  half  the  newspapers  he 
wanted  before. 

Years  after  the  postoffice  had  been  discontinued  and 
Lincoln  had  become  a  practicing  lawyer  at  Spring- 
field, an  agent  of  the  Postoffice  Department  entered 
his  office  and  inquired  if  Abraham  Lincoln  was  within. 
Lincoln  responded  to  his  name,  and  was  informed  that 
the  agent  had  called  to  collect  the  balance  due  the  De- 


54  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

partment  since  the  discontinuance  of  the  New  Salem 
office. 

A  shade  of  perplexity  passed  over  Lincoln's  face, 
which  did  not  escape  the  notice  of  friends  present. 
One  of  them  said  at  once: 

"  Lincoln,  if  you  are  in  want  of  money,  let  us  help 
you." 

He  made  no  repty,  but  suddenly  rose,  and  pulled 
out  from  a  pile  of  books  a  little  old  trunk,  and,  re- 
turning to  the  table,  asked  the  agent  how  much  the 
amount  of  his  debt  was. 

The  sum  was  named,  and  then  Lincoln  opened  the 
trunk,  pulled  out  a  little  package  of  coin  wrapped  in 
a  cotton  rag,  and  counted  out  the  exact  sum,  amounting 
to  more  than  seventeen  dollars. 

After  the  agent  had  left  the  room,  he  remarked 
quietly  that  he  had  never  used  any  man's  money  but 
his  own.  Although  this  sum  had  been  in  his  hands 
during  all  those  years,  he  had  never  regarded  it  as 
available,  even  for  any  temporary  use  of  his  own. 


A  PECULIAR  LAWYER 

Lincoln  was  once  associate  counsel  for  a  defendant 
in  a  murder  case.  He  listened  to  the  testimony  given 
by  witness  after  witness  against  his  client,  until  his 
honest  heart  could  stand  it  no  longer;  then,  turning 
to  his  associate,  he  said:  "The  man  is  guilty;  you 
defend  him  —  I  can't,"  and  when  his  associate  secured 
a  verdict  of  acquittal,  Lincoln  refused  to  share  the  fee 
to  the  extent  of  one  cent. 

Lincoln  would  never  advise  clients  to  enter  into 
unwise  or  unjust  lawsuits,  always  preferring  to  refuse 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  55 

e  retainer  rather  than  be  a  party  to  a  case  which  did 
not  commend  itself  to  his  sense  of  justice. 


"ABE"  LIKE  HIS  FATHER 

"  Abe  "  Lincoln's  father  was  never  at  loss  for  an 
answer.  An  old  neighbor  of  Thomas  Lincoln  — 
"  Abe's  "  father  —  was  passing  the  Lincoln  farm  one 
day,  when  he  saw  "  Abe's  "  father  grubbing  up  some 
hazelnut  bushes,  and  said  to  him:  "Why,  Grandpap, 
I  thought  you  wanted  to  sell  your  farm?  " 

"  And  so  I  do/'  he  replied,  "  but  I  ain't  goin'  to  let 
my  farm  know  it." 

'  Abe's  '  jes'  like  his   father,"  the  old  ones  would 
sav. 


WHY   HE  WAS   CALLED   "HONEST   ABE" 

During  the  year  Lincoln  was  in  Denton  Offutt's 
store  at  New  Salem,  that  gentleman,  whose  business 
was  somewhat  widely  and  unwisely  spread  about  the 
country,  ceased  to  prosper  in  his  finances  and  finally 
failed.  The  store  was  shut  up,  the  mill  was  closed, 
and  Abraham  Lincoln  was  out  of  business. 

The  year  had  been  one  of  great  advance,  in  many 
respects.  He  had  made  new  and  valuable  acquaint- 
ances, read  many  books,  mastered  the  grammar  of  his 
own  tongue,  won  multitudes  of  friends,  and  became 
ready  for  a  step  still  further  in  advance. 

Those  who  could  appreciate  brains  respected  him, 
and  those  whose  ideas  of  a  man  related  to  his  muscles 
were  devoted  to  him.  It  was  while  he  was  perform- 
ing the  work  of  the  store  that  he  acquired  the  sobriquet 


56  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

of   "  Honest  Abe  " —  a   characterization  he  never   dis- 
honored, and  an  abbreviation  that  he  never  outgrew. 

He  was  judge,  arbitrator,  referee,  umpire,  authority, 
in  all  disputes,  games  and  matches  of  man-flesh,  horse- 
flesh, a  pacificator  in  all  quarrels;  everybody's  friend; 
the  best-natured,  the  most  sensible,  the  best-informed, 
the  most  modest  and  unassuming,  the  kindest,  gentlest, 
roughest,  strongest,  best  fellow  in  all  New  Salem  and 
the  region  round  about. 


"  ABE  "  GAVE  HER  A  "  SURE  TIP  " 

If  all  the  days  Lincoln  attended  school  were  added 
together,  they  would  not  make  a  single  year's  time, 
and  he  never  studied  grammar  or  geography  or  any 
of  the  higher  branches.  His  first  teacher  in  Indiana  was 
Hazel  Dorsey,  who  opened  a  school  in  a  log  school- 
house  a  mile  and  a  half  from  the  Lincoln  cabin.  The 
building  had  holes  for  windows,  which  were  covered 
over  with  greased  paper  to  admit  light.  The  roof 
was  just  high  enough  for  a  man  to  stand  erect.  It 
did  not  take  long  to  demonstrate  that  "  Abe "  was 
superior  to  any  scholar  in  his  class.  His  next  teacher 
was  Andrew  Crawford,  who  taught  in  the  winter  of 
1822-3^  in  the  same  little  schoolhouse.  "Abe"  was 
an  excellent  speller,  and  it  is  said  that  he  liked  to 
show  off  his  knowledge,  especially  if  he  could  help  out 
his  less  fortunate  schoolmates.  One  day  the  teacher 
gave  out  the  word  "  defied."  A  large  class  was  on  the 
floor,  but  it  seemed  that  no  one  would  be  able  to  spell 
it.  The  teacher  declared  he  would  keep  the  whole 
class  in  all  day  and  night  if  "  defied  "  was  not  spelled 
correctly. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  57 

When  the  word  came  around  to  Katy  Roby,  she  was 
standing  where  she  could  see  young  "  Abe."  She 
started,  "  d-e-f,"  and  while  trying  to  decide  whether 
to  spell  the  word  with  an  "  i  "  or  a  "  y"  she  noticed 
that  Abe  had  his  ringer  on  his  eye  and  a  smile  on  his 
face,  and  instantly  took  the  hint.  She  spelled  the 
word  correctly  and  school  was  dismissed. 


SAVED  LINCOLN'S  LIFE 

When  Mr.  Lincoln  was  quite  a  small  boy  he  met 
with  an  accident  that  almost  cost  him  his  life.  He 
was  saved  by  Austin  Gollaher,  a  young  playmate. 
Mr.  Gollaher  lived  to  be  more  than  ninety  years  of  age, 
and  to  the  day  of  his  death  related  with  great  pride 
his  boyhood  association  with  Lincoln. 

"  Yes/'  Mr.  Gollaher  once  said,  "  the  story  that  I 
once  saved  Abraham  Lincoln's  life  is  true.  He  and 
I  had  been  going  to  school  together  for  a  year  or  more, 
and  had  become  greatly  attached  to  each  other.  Then 
school  disbanded  on  account  of  there  being  so  few 
scholars,  and  we  did  not  see  each  other  much  for  a 
long  while. 

"  One  Sunday  my  mother  visited  the  Lincolns,  and 
I  was  taken  along.  '  Abe  '  and  I  played  around  all 
day.  Finally,  we  concluded  to  cross  the  creek  to 
hunt  for  some  partridges  young  Lincoln  had  seen  the 
day  before.  The  creek  was  swollen  by  a  recent  rain, 
and,  in  crossing  on  the  narrow  footlog,  '  Abe  '  fell  in. 
Neither  of  us  could  swim.  I  got  a  long  pole  and  held 
it  out  to  '  Abe,'  who  grabbed  it.  Then  I  pulled  him 
ashore. 

"  He  was  almost  dead,  and  I  was  badly  scared.      I 


58  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

rolled  and  pounded  him  in  good  earnest.  Then  I  got 
him  by  the  arms  and  shook  him,  the  water  meanwhile 
pouring  out  of  his  mouth.  By  this  means  I  succeeded 
in  bringing  him  to,  and  he  was  soon  all  right. 

"  Then  a  new  difficulty  confronted  us.  If  our  moth- 
ers discovered  our  wet  clothes  they  would  whip  us. 
This  we  dreaded  from  experience,  and  determined  to 
avoid.  It  was  June,  the  sun  was  very  warm,  and  we 
soon  dried  our  clothing  by  spreading  it  on  the  rocks 
about  us.  We  promised  never  to  tell  the  story,  and  I 
never  did  until  after  Lincoln's  tragic  end." 


ONE  THING  "ABE"  DIDN'T  LOVE 

Lincoln  admitted  that  he  was  not  particularly  en- 
ergetic when  it  came  to  real  hard  work. 

"  My  father,"  said  he  one  day,  "  taught  me  how  to 
work,  but  not  to  love  it.  I  never  did  like  to  work,  and 
I  don't  deny  it.  I'd  rather  read,  tell  stories,  crack 
j  okes,   talk,  laugh  —  anything  but   work." 


WHY  SHE  MARRIED  HIM 

There  was  a  "  social  "  at  Lincoln's  house  in  Spring- 
field, and  "  Abe  "  introduced  his  wife  to  Ward  Lamon, 
his  law  partner.     Lamon  tells  the  story  in  these  words: 

"  After  introducing  me  to  Mrs.  Lincoln,  he  left  us 
in  conversation.  I  remarked  to  her  that  her  husband 
was  a  great  favorite  in  the  eastern  part  of  the  State, 
where  I  had  been  stopping. 

"  '  Yes,'  she  replied,  '  he  is  a  great  favorite  every- 
where.    He  is  to  be   President  of  the   United   States 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  59 

some  day;  if  I  had  not  thought  so  I  never  would  have 
married  him,  for  you  see  he  is  not  pretty. 

1  But  look  at  him,  doesn't  he  look  as  if  he  would 
make  a  magnificent  President? 


CREDITOR  PAID  DEBTOR'S  DEBT 

A  certain  rich  man  in  Springfield,  Illinois,  sued  a 
poor  attorney  for  $2.50,  and  Lincoln  was  asked  to 
prosecute  the  case.  Lincoln  urged  the  creditor  to  let 
the  matter  drop,  adding,  "  You  can  make  nothing  out 
of  him,  and  it  will  cost  you  a  good  deal  more  than  the 
debt  to  bring  suit."  The  creditor  was  still  determined 
to  have  his  way,  and  threatened  to  seek  some  other 
attorney.  Lincoln  then  said,  "  Well,  if  you  are  de- 
termined that  suit  should  be  brought,  I  will  bring  it, 
but  my  charge  will  be  $10." 

The  money  was  paid  him,  and  peremptory  orders 
were  given  that  the  suit  be  brought  that  day.  After 
the  client's  departure  Lincoln  went  out  of  the  office, 
returning  in  about  an  hour  with  an  amused  look  on 
his    face.     Asked    what   pleased    him,    he    replied,    "  I 

brought   suit  against  ,   and   then   hunted   him   up, 

told  him  what  I  had  done,  handed  him  half  of  the  $10, 
and  we  went  over  to  the  squire's  office.  He  confessed 
judgment  and  paid  the  bill." 

Lincoln  added  that  he  didn't  see  any  other  way  to 
make  things  satisfactory  for  his  client  as  well  as  the 
other. 


END  FOR  END 
Judge   H.   W.   Beckwitii,   of   Danville,    111.,   in   his 
"  Personal    Recollections    of    Lincoln,"    tells    a    story 


60  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

which  is  a  good  example  of  Lincoln's  way  of  con- 
densing the  law  and  the  facts  of  an  issue  in  a  story: 
"  A  man,  by  vile  words,  first  provoked  and  then  made 
a  bodily  attack  upon  another.  The  latter,  in  defend- 
ing himself,  gave  the  other  much  the  worst  of  the 
encounter."  The  aggressor,  to  get  even,  had  the  one 
who  thrashed  him  tried  in  our  Circuit  Court  on  a 
charge  of  an  assault  and  battery.  Mr.  Lincoln  de- 
fended, and  told  the  jury  that  his  client  was  in  the 
fix  of  a  man  who,  in  going  along  the  highway  with  a 
pitchfork  on  his  shoulder,  was  attacked  by  a  fierce  dog 
that  ran  out  at  him  from  a  farmer's  dooryard.  In 
parrying  off  the  brute  with  the  fork,  its  prongs  stuck 
into  the  brute  and  killed  him. 

What  made  you  kill  my  dog?  '  said  the  farmer. 

'  What  made  him  try  to  bite  me  ?  ' 

'  But  why  did  you  not  go  at  him  with  the  other  end 
of  the  pitchfork?  ' 

1  Why   did   he   not   come   after  me   with   his    other 
end  ?  ' 

"  At  this  Mr.  Lincoln  whirled  about  in  his  long 
arms  an  imaginary  dog,  and  pushed  its  tail  end  toward 
the  jury.  This  was  the  defensive  plea  of  '  son  assault 
demesne  ' —  loosely,  that  '  the  other  fellow  brought  on 
the  fight,' —  quickly  told,  and  in  a  way  the  dullest  mind 
would  grasp  and  retain." 


ONE  RIGHT  DECISION 

When  Attorney-General  Bates  was  remonstrating 
apparently  against  the  appointment  of  some  indiffer- 
ent lawyer  to  a  place  of  judicial  importance,  the  Presi- 
dent   interposed   with:     "  Come   now,    Bates,   he's    not 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  61 

half  as  bad  as  you  think.  Besides  that,  I  must  tell 
you,  he  did  me  a  good  turn  long  ago.  When  I  took 
to  the  law,  I  was  going  to  court  one  morning,  with 
some  ten  or  twelve  miles  of  bad  road  before  me,  and  I 
had  no  horse. 

"  The  Judge  overtook  me  in  his  carriage. 

Hallo,  Lincoln !  are  you  not  going  to  the  court- 
house?    Come  in  and  I  will  give  you  a  seat!  ' 

"  Well,  I  got  in,  and  the  Judge  went  on  reading  his 
papers.  Presently  the  carriage  struck  a  stump  on  one 
side  of  the  road,  then  it  hopped  off  to  the  other.  I 
looked  out,  and  I  saw  the  driver  was  jerking  from  side 
to  side  in  his  seat,  so  I  saj^s: 

Judge,  I  think  your  coachman  has  been  taking  a 
little  too  much  this  morning/ 

"  '  Well,  I  declare,  Lincoln,'  said  he,  '  I  should  not 
much  wonder  if  you  were  right,  for  he  has  nearly  upset 
me  half  a  dozen  times  since  starting/ 

"  So,  putting  his  head  out  of  the  window,  he  shouted, 
'  Why,  you  infernal  scoundrel,  you  are  drunk !  ' 

"  Upon  which,  pulling  up  his  horses,  and  turning 
round  with  great  gravity,  the  coachman  said: 

1  Begorra !  that's  the  first  rightful  decision  that  you 
have  given   for  the  last  twelvemonth.'  " 

While  the  company  were  laughing,  the  President 
beat  a  quiet  retreat  from  the  neighborhood. 


LINCOLN   RESCUES   A   PIG   FROM   A  BAD 
PREDICAMENT 

An  amusing  incident  occurred  in  connection  with 
"  riding  the  circuit,"  which  gives  a  pleasant  glimpse 
into  the  good  lawyer's  heart.      He  was  riding  by  a  deep 


62  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

slough,  in  which,  to  his  exceeding  pain,  he  saw  a  pig 
struggling,  and  with  such  faint  efforts  that  it  was  evi- 
dent that  he  could  not  extricate  himself  from  the  mud. 
Mr.  Lincoln  looked  at  the  pig  and  the  mud  which  en- 
veloped him,  and  then  looked  at  some  new  clothes 
with  which  he  had  but  a  short  time  before  enveloped 
himself.  Deciding  against  the  claims  of  the  pig,  he 
rode  on,  but  he  could  not  get  rid  of  the  vision  of  the 
poor  brute,  and,  at  last,  after  riding  two  miles,  he 
turned  back,  determined  to  rescue  the  animal  at  the 
expense  of  his  new  clothes.  Arrived  at  the  spot,  he 
tied  his  horse,  and  coolly  went  to  work  to  build  of  old 
rails  a  passage  to  the  bottom  of  the  hole.  Descending 
on  these  rails,  he  seized  the  pig  and  dragged  him  out, 
but  not  without  serious  damage  to  the  clothes  he  wore. 
Washing  his  hands  in  the  nearest  brook,  and  wiping 
them  on  the  grass,  he  mounted  his  gig  and  rode  along. 
He  then  fell  to  examining  the  motive  that  sent  him 
back  to  the  release  of  the  pig.  At  the  first  thought 
it  seemed  to  be  pure  benevolence,  but,  at  length,  he 
came  to  the  conclusion  that  it  was  selfishness,  for  he 
certainly  went  to  the  pig's  relief  in  order  (as  he  said 
to  the  friend  to  whom  he  related  the  incident),  "to 
take  a  pain  out  of  his  own  mind."  This  is  certainly  a 
new  view  of  the  nature  sympathy;  and  one  which  it 
will  be  well  for  the  casuist  to  examine. 


HIS  KNOWLEDGE  OF  HUMAN  NATURE 

Once,  when  Lincoln  was  pleading  a  case,  the  oppos- 
ing lawyer  had  all  the  advantage  of  the  law;  the 
weather  was  warm,  and  his  opponent,  as  was  admissi- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  63 

ble  in  frontier  courts,  pulled  off  his  coat  and  vest  as 
he  grew  warm  in  the  argument. 

At  that  time,  shirts  with  buttons  behind  were  un- 
usual. Lincoln  took  in  the  situation  at  once.  Know- 
ing the  prejudices  of  the  primitive  people  against 
pretension  of  all  sorts,  or  any  affectation  of  superior  so- 
cial rank,  arising,  he  said:  "Gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
having  justice  on  my  side,  I  don't  think  you  will  be  at 
all  influenced  by  the  gentleman's  pretended  knowledge 
of  the  law,  when  you  see  he  does  not  even  know  which 
side  of  his  shirt  should  be  in  front."  There  was  a  gen- 
eral laugh,  and  Lincoln's  case  was  won. 


HURT  HIS  LEGS  LESS 

Lincoln  was  one  of  the  attorneys  in  a  case  of  con- 
siderable importance,  court  being  held  in  a  very  small 
and  dilapidated  schoolhouse  out  in  the  country;  Lin- 
coln was  compelled  to  stoop  very  much  in  order  to 
enter  the  door,  and  the  seats  were  so  low  that  he 
doubled  up  his  legs  like  a  jackknife. 

Lincoln  was  obliged  to  sit  upon  a  school  bench,  and 
just  in  front  of  him  was  another,  making  the  distance 
between  him  and  the  seat  in  front  of  him  very  narrow 
and  uncomfortable. 

His  position  was  almost  unbearable,  and  in  order 
to  carry  out  his  preference  which  he  secured  as  often 
as  possible,  and  that  was  "  to  sit  as  near  to  the  jury 
as  convenient,"  he  took  advantage  of  his  discomfort 
and  finally  said  to  the  Judge  on  the  "  bench  " : 

"  Your  Honor,  with  your  permission,  I'll  sit  up 
nearer  to  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  for  it  hurts  my 


64  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

legs  less  to  rub  my  calves  against  the  bench  than  it  does 
to  skin  my  shins." 


A  LITTLE  SHY  ON  GRAMMAR 

When  Mr.  Lincoln  had  prepared  his  brief  letter  ac- 
cepting the  Presidential  nomination  he  took  it  to  Dr. 
Newton  Bateman,  the  State  Superintendent  of  Educa- 
tion. 

"  Mr.  Schoolmaster/'  he  said,  "  here  is  my  letter  of 
acceptance.  I  am  not  very  strong  on  grammar  and  I 
wish  you  to  see  if  it  is  all  right.  I  wouldn't  like  to 
have  any  mistakes  in  it." 

The  doctor  took  the  letter  and  after  reading  it,  said: 

"  There  is  only  one  change  I  should  suggest,  Mr. 
Lincoln,  you  have  written  '  It  shall  be  my  care  to  not 
violate  or  disregard  it  in  any  part/  you  should  have 
written  '  not  to  violate.'  Never  split  an  infinitive,  is 
the  rule." 

Mr.  Lincoln  took  the  manuscript,  regarding  it  a  mo- 
ment with  a  puzzled  air,  "  So  you  think  I  better  put 
those  two  little  fellows  end  to  end,  do  you?"  he  said 
as  he  made  the  change. 


GIVING  AWAY  THE  CASE 

Between  the  first  election  and  inauguration  of  Mr. 
Lincoln  the  disunion  sentiment  grew  rapidly  in  the 
South,  and  President  Buchanan's  failure  to  stop  the 
open  acts  of  secession  grieved  Mr.  Lincoln  sorely.  Mr. 
Lincoln  had  a  long  talk  with  his  friend,  Judge  Gilles- 
pie, over  the  state  of  affairs.  One  incident  of  the  con- 
versation is  thus  narrated  by  the  Judge: 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  65 

"  When  I  retired,  it  was  the  master  of  the  house  and 
chosen  ruler  of  the  country  who  saw  me  to  my  room. 
'  Joe/  he  said,  as  he  was  about  to  leave  me,  '  I  am  re- 
minded and  I  suppose  you  will  never  forget  that  trial 
down  in  Montgomery  county,  where  the  lawyer  asso- 
ciated with  you  gave  away  the  whole  case  in  his  open- 
ing speech.  I  saw  you  signaling  to  him,  but  you 
couldn't  stop  him. 

"  '  Now,  that's  just  the  way  with  me  and  Buchanan. 
He  is  giving  away  the  case,  and  I  have  nothing  to  say, 
and  can't  stop  him.     Good-night.'  *' 


POSING  WITH  A  BROOMSTICK 

Mr.  Leonard  Volk,  the  artist,  relates  that,  being 
in  Springfield  when  Lincoln's  nomination  for  President 
was  announced,  he  called  upon  Mr.  Lincoln,  whom  he 
found  looking  smiling  and  happy.  "  I  exclaimed,  '  I 
am  the  first  man  from  Chicago,  I  believe,  who  has  had 
the  honor  of  congratulating  you  on  your  nomination  for 
President.'  Then  those  two  great  hands  took  both  of 
mine  with  a  grasp  never  to  be  forgotten,  and  while 
shaking,  I  said,  '  Now  that  you  will  doubtless  be  the 
President  of  the  United  States,  I  want  to  make  a  statue 
of  you,  and  shall  try  my  best  to  do  you  justice/ 

"  Said  he,  *  I  don't  doubt  it,  for  I  have  come  to  the 
conclusion  that  you  are  an  honest  man/  and  with  that 
greeting,  I  thought  my  hands  in  a  fair  way  of  being 
crushed. 

"  On  the  Sunday  following,  by  agreement,  I  called  to 
make  a  cast  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  hands.  I  asked  him  tf> 
hold  something  in  his  hands,  and  told  him  a  stick  would 
do.     Thereupon  he  went  to  the  woodshed,  and  I  heard 


66  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

the  saw  go,  and  he  soon  returned  to  the  dining-room, 
whittling  off  the  end  of  a  piece  of  broom  handle.  I 
remarked  to  him  that  he  need  not  whittle  off  the  edges. 
'  Oh,  well/  said  he,  '  I  thought  I  would  like  to  have  it 
nice.'  ■' 


"  I  AM  NOT  FIT  FOR  THE  PRESIDENCY  " 

The  opening  of  the  year  1860  found  Mr.  Lincoln's 
name  freely  mentioned  in  connection  with  the  Repub- 
lican nomination  for  the  Presidency.  To  be  classed 
with  Seward,  Chase,  McLean,  and  other  celebrities  was 
enough  to  stimulate  any  Illinois  lawyer's  pride;  but  in 
Mr.  Lincoln's  case,  if  it  had  any  such  effect^  he  was 
most  artful  in  concealing  it.  Now  and  then,  some 
ardent  friend,  an  editor,  for  example,  would  run  his 
name  up  to  the  masthead,  but  in  all  cases  he  discour- 
aged the  attempt. 

"  In  regard  to  the  matter  you  spoke  of,"  he  answered 
one  man  who  proposed  his  name,  "  I  beg  you  will  not 
give  it  a  further  mention.  Seriously,  I  do  not  think 
I  am  fit  for  the  Presidency." 


SIX  FOOT  THREE  COMMITTEE  MAN 

Tall  Judge  Kelly,  of  Pennsylvania,  who  was  one  of 
the  committee  to  inform  Mr.  Lincoln  of  his  nomina- 
tion at  Chicago  Convention,  had  been  eyeing  Mr.  Lin- 
coln's lofty  form  with  a  mixture  of  admiration,  and 
very  likely  jealous}?".  This  had  not  escaped  Mr.  Lin- 
coln, and  as  he  shook  hands  with  the  Judge  he  in- 
quired: "What  is  your  height?"  "Six  feet  three;, 
what    is    yours,    Mr.     Lincoln  ?  "     "  Six    feet     four." 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  67 

**  Then,"  said  the  Judge,  "  Pennsylvania  bows  to  Illi- 
nois. My  dear  sir,  for  years  my  heart  has  been  aching 
for  a  President  that  I  could  look  up  to,  and  I've  found 
him  at  last  in  the  land  where  we  thought  there  were 
none  but  little  giants." 


LINCOLN  AND  THE  MINISTERS 

At  the  time  of  Lincoln's  nomination,  at  Chicago, 
Mr.  Newton  Bateman,  Superintendent  of  Public  In- 
struction for  the  State  of  Illinois,  occupied  a  room  ad- 
joining and  opening  into  the  Executive  Chamber  at 
Springfield.  Frequently  this  door  was  open  during  Mr. 
Lincoln's  receptions,  and  throughout  the  seven  months 
or  more  of  his  occupation  he  saw  him  nearly  every 
day.  Often,  when  Mr.  Lincoln  was  tired,  he  closed 
the  door  against  all  intruders,  and  called  Mr.  Bateman 
into  his  room  for  a  quiet  talk.  On  one  of  these  occa- 
sions, Mr.  Lincoln  took  up  a  book  containing  a  canvass 
of  the  city  of  Springfield,  in  which  he  lived,  showing 
the  candidate  for  whom  each  citizen  had  declared  it 
his  intention  to  vote  in  the  approaching  election.  Mr. 
Lincoln's  friends  had,  doubtless  at  his  own  request, 
placed  the  result  of  the  canvass  in  his  hands.  This 
was  towards  the  close  of  October,  and  only  a  few  days 
before  election.  Calling  Mr.  Bateman  to  a  seat  by  his 
side,  having  previously  locked  all  the  doors,  he  said: 

"Let  us  look  over  this  book;  I  wish  particularly  to 
see  how  the  ministers  of  Springfield  are  going  to  vote." 

The  leaves  were  turned,  one  by  one,  and  as  the  names 
were  examined  Mr.  Lincoln  frequently  asked  if  this 
one  and  that  one  was  not  a  minister,  or  an  elder,  or 
a  member  of  such  and  such  a  church,  and  sadly  expressed 


68  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

his  surprise  on  receiving  an  affirmative  answer.  In 
that  manner  he  went  through  the  book,  and  then  he 
closed  it,  and  sat  silently  for  some  minutes  regarding 
a  memorandum  in  pencil  which  lay  before  him.  At 
length  he  turned  to  Mr.  Bateman,  with  a  face  full  of 
sadness,  and  said: 

"  Here  are  twenty-three  ministers  of  different  de- 
nominations, and  all  of  them  are  against  me  but  three, 
and  here  are  a  great  many  prominent  members  of 
churches,  a  very  large  majority  are  against  me.  Mr. 
Bateman,  I  am  not  a  Christian  —  God  knows!  would 
be  one  —  but  I  have  carefully  read  the  Bible,  and  I  do 
not  so  understand  this  book,"  and  he  drew  forth  a  pocket 
New  Testament. 

"  These  men  well  know,"  he  continued,  "  that  I  am 
for  freedom  in  the  Territories,  freedom  everywhere, 
as  free  as  the  Constitution  and  the  laws  will  permit, 
and  that  my  opponents  are  for  slavery.  They  know 
this,  and  yet,  with  this  book  in  their  hands,  in  the  light 
of  which  human  bondage  cannot  live  a  moment,  they 
are  going  to  vote  against  me;  I  do  not  understand  it  at 
all." 

Here  Mr.  Lincoln  paused  —  paused  for  long  min- 
utes, his  features  surcharged  with  emotion.  Then  he 
rose  and  walked  up  and  down  the  reception-room  in 
the  effort  to  retain  or  regain  his  self-possession.  Stop- 
ping at  last,  he  said,  with  a  trembling  voice  and  cheeks 
wet  with  tears : 

"  I  know  there  is  a  God,  and  that  He  hates  injustice 
and  slavery.  I  see  the  storm  coming,  and  I  know  that 
His  hand  is  in  it.  If  He  has  a  place  and  work  for 
me,  and  I  think  He  has,  I  believe  I  am  ready.  I  am 
nothing,  but  Truth  is  everything.     I  know  I  am  right 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  69 

because  I  know  that  liberty  is  right,  for  Christ  teaches 
it,  and  Christ  is  God.  I  have  told  them  that  a  house 
divided  against  itself  cannot  stand;  and  Christ  and 
Reason  say  the  same,  and  they  will  find  it  so. 

"  Douglas  doesn't  care  whether  slavery  is  voted  up 
or  down,  but  God  cares,  and  humanity  cares,  and  I 
care;  and  with  God's  help  I  shall  not  fail.  I  may 
not  see  the  end,  but  it  will  come,  and  I  shall  be  vindi- 
cated; and  these  men  will  find  they  have  not  read  their 
Bible  right." 

Much  of  this  was  uttered  as  if  he  were  speaking 
to  himself,  and  with  a  sad,  earnest  solemnity  of  man- 
ner impossible  to  be  described.  After  a  pause  he  re- 
sumed: 

"  Doesn't  it  seem  strange  that  men  can  ignore  the 
moral  aspect  of  this  contest?  No  revelation  could  make 
it  plainer  to  me  that  slavery  or  the  Government  must 
be  destroyed.  The  future  would  be  something  awful, 
as  I  look  at  it,  but  for  this  rock  on  which  I  stand  " 
(alluding  to  the  Testament  which  he  still  held  in  his 
hand),  "especially  with  the  knowledge  of  how  these 
ministers  are  going  to  vote.  It  seems  as  if  God  had 
borne  with  this  thing  (slavery)  until  the  teachers  of 
religion  have  come  to  defend  it  from  the  Bible,  and 
to  claim  for  it  a  divine  character  and  sanction;  and 
now  the  cup  of  iniquity  is  full,  and  the  vials  of  wrath 
will  be  poured  out." 

Everything  he  said  was  of  a  peculiarly  deep,  tender, 
and  religious  tone,  and  all  was  tinged  with  a  touching 
melancholy.  He  repeatedly  referred  to  his  conviction 
that  the  day  of  wrath  was  at  hand,  and  that  he  was  to 
be  an  actor  in  the  terrible  struggle  which  would  issue 


70  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

in  the  overthrow  of  slavery,  although  he  might  not  live 
to  see  the  end. 

After  further  reference  to  a  belief  in  the  Divine 
Providence  and  the  fact  of  God  in  history,  the  con- 
versation turned  upon  prayer.  He  freely  stated  his 
belief  in  the  duty,  privilege,  and  efficacy  of  prayer, 
and  intimated,  in  no  unmistakable  terms,  that  he  had 
sought  in  that  way  Divine  guidance  and  favor.  The 
effect  of  this  conversation  upon  the  mind  of  Mr.  Bate- 
man,  a  Christian  gentleman  whom  Mr.  Lincoln  pro- 
foundly respected,  was  to  convince  him  that  Mr.  Lin- 
coln had,  in  a  quiet  way,  found  a  path  to  the  Christian 
standpoint  —  that  he  had  found  God,  and  rested  on  the 
eternal  truth  of  God.  As  the  two  men  were  about  to 
separate,  Mr.  Bateman  remarked: 

"  I  have  not  supposed  that  you  were  accustomed  to 
think  so  much  upon  this  class  of  subjects;  certainly 
your  friends  generally  are  ignorant  of  the  sentiments 
you  have  expressed  to  me." 

He  replied  quickly :  "I  know  they  are,  but  I  think 
more  on  these  subjects  than  upon  all  others,  and  I  have 
done  so  for  years;  and  I  am  willing  you  should  know 
it." 


CROSSING  A  RIVER  WHEN  HE  GOT  TO  IT 

Lincoln's  reply  to  a  Springfield  (Illinois)  clergy- 
man, who  asked  him  what  was  to  be  his  policy  on  the 
slavery  question  was  most  apt: 

"  Well,  your  question  is  rather  a  cool  one,  but  I  will 
answer  it  by  telling  you  a  story : 

"  You  know  Father  B.,  the  old  Methodist  preacher? 
and  you  know  Fox  River  and  its  freshets? 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  71 

"  Well,  once  in  the  presence  of  Father  B.,  a  young 
Methodist  was  worrying  about  Fox  River,  and  express- 
ing fears  that  he  should  be  prevented  from  fulfilling 
some  of  his  appointments  by  a  freshet  in  the  river. 

"  Father  B.  checked  him  in  his  gravest  manner.  Said 
he: 

"  '  Young  man,  I  have  always  made  it  a  rule  in  my 
life  not  to  cross  Fox  River  till  I  get  to  it.' 

M  And,"  said  the  President,  "  I  am  not  going  to 
worry  myself  over  the  slavery  question  till  I  get  to  it." 

A  few  days  afterward  a  Methodist  minister  called 
on  the  President,  and  on  being  presented  to  him,  said, 
simply: 

"  Mr.  President,  I  have  come  to  tell  you  that  I  think 
we  have  got  to  Fox  River !  " 

Lincoln  thanked  the  clergyman,  and  laughed  heartily. 


WHAT  AILED  THE  BOYS 

Mr.  Roland  Diller,  who  was  one  of  Mr.  Lincoln's 
neighbors  in  Springfield,  tells  the  following: 

"  I  was  called  to  the  door  one  day  by  the  cries  of 
children  in  the  street,  and  there  was  Mr.  Lincoln,  strid- 
ing by  with  two  of  his  boys,  both  of  whom  were  wail- 
ing aloud.  '  Why,  Mr.  Lincoln,  what's  the  matter  with 
the  boys  ?  '  I  asked. 

"  '  Just  what's  the  matter  with  the  whole  world, 
Lincoln  replied.  '  I've  got  three  walnuts,  and  each 
wants  two.'  " 


'TWAS  "MOVING  DAY" 

Speed,  who   was   a  prosperous   young  merchant  of 
Springfield,  reports  that  Lincoln's  personal  effects  con- 


72  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

sisted  of  a  pair  of  saddle-bags,  containing  two  or  three 
lawbooks,  and  a  few  pieces  of  clothing.  Riding  on  a 
borrowed  horse,  he  thus  made  his  appearance  in  Spring- 
field. When  he  discovered  that  a  single  bedstead  would 
cost  seventeen  dollars  he  said,  "  It  is  probably  cheap 
enough,  but  I  have  not  enough  money  to  pay  for  it." 
When  Speed  offered  to  trust  him,  he  said:  "  If  I  fail 
here  as  a  lawyer,  I  will  probably  never  pay  you  at 
all."  Then  Speed  offered  to  share  a  large  double  bed 
with  him. 

"  Where  is  your  room  ?  "  Lincoln  asked. 

"  Upstairs/5  said  Speed,  pointing  from  the  store  lead- 
ing to  his  room.  Without  saying  a  word,  he  took  his 
saddle-bags  on  his  arms,  went  upstairs,  set  them  down 
on  the  floor,  came  down  again,  and  with  a  face  beam- 
ing with  pleasure  and  smiles,  exclaimed:  "  Well, 
Speed,  I'm  moved." 


FORGOT  EVERYTHING  HE  KNEW 

President  Lincoln,  while  entertaining  a  few 
friends,  is  said  to  have  related  the  following  anecdote 
of  a  man  who  knew  too  much: 

During  the  administration  of  President  Jackson  there 
was  a  singular  young  gentleman  employed  in  the  Pub- 
lic Postoffice  in  Washington. 

His  name  was  G. ;  he  was  from  Tennessee,  the  son 
of  a  widow,  a  neighbor  of  the  President,  on  which  ac- 
count the  old  hero  had  a  kind  feeling  for  him,  and  al- 
ways got  him  out  of  difficulties  with  some  of  the  higher 
officials,  to  whom  his  singular  interference  was  distaste- 
ful. 

Among  other  things,  it  is  said  of  him  that  while  em- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  73 

ployed  in  the  General  Postoffice,  on  one  occasion  lie 
had  to  copy  a  letter  to  Major  H.,  a  high  official,  in 
answer  to  an  application  made  by  an  old  gentleman 
in  Virginia  or  Pennsylvania,  for  the  establishment  of  a 
new  postoffice. 

The  writer  of  the  letter  said  the  application  could 
not  be  granted,  in  consequence  of  the  applicant's 
"  proximity  "  to  another  office. 

When  the  letter  came  into  G.'s  hand  to  copy,  being 
a  great  stickler  for  plainness,  he  altered  "  proximity  " 
to  "  nearness  to." 

Major  H.  observed  it,  and  asked  G.  why  he  altered 
his  letter. 

"  Why,"  replied  G.,  "  because  I  don't  think  the  man 
would  understand  what  you  mean  by  proximity." 

"Well,"  said  Major  H.,  "try  him;  put  in  the 
1  proximity  '  again." 

In  a  few  days  a  letter  was  received  from  the  appli- 
cant, in  which  he  very  indignantly  said  that  his  father 
had  fought  for  liberty  in  the  second  war  for  independ- 
ence, and  he  should  like  to  have  the  name  of  the 
scoundrel  who  brought  the  charge  of  proximity  or  any- 
thing else  wrong  against  him. 

"  There,"  said  G.,  "  did  I  not  say  so?  " 

G.  carried  his  improvements  so  far  that  Mr.  Berry, 
the  Postmaster-General,  said  to  him:  "I  don't  want 
you  any  longer;  you  know  too  much." 

Poor  G.  went  out,  but  his  old  friend  got  him  another 
place. 

This  time  G.'s  ideas  underwent  a  change.  He  was 
one  day  very  busy  writing,  when  a  stranger  called  in 
and  asked  him  where  the  Patent  Office  was. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  G. 


74  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"Can  you  tell  me  where  the  Treasury  Department 
is  ?  "  said  the  stranger. 

"  No/'  said  G. 

"  Nor  the  President's  house  ?  " 

"  No." 

The  stranger  finally  asked  him  if  he  knew  where  the 
Capitol  was. 

"  No,"  replied  G. 

"  Do  you  live  in  Washington,  sir?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  G. 

"  Good  Lord !  and  don't  you  know  where  the  Patent 
Office,  Treasury,  President's  House  and  Capitol  are  ?  " 

"  Stranger,"  said  G.,  "  I  was  turned  out  of  the  post- 
office  for  knowing  too  much.  I  don't  mean  to  offend  in 
that  way  again. 

"  I  am  paid  for  keeping  this  book. 

"  I  believe  I  know  that  much ;  but  if  you  find  me 
knowing  anything  more  you  may  take  my  head." 

"  Good  morning,"  said  the  stranger. 


LINCOLN'S  LOVE  OF  SOLDIER  HUMOR 

Lincoln  loved  anything  that  savored  of  wit  or  humor 
among  the  soldiers  in  their  deprivations  and  sufferings. 
He  used  to  relate  these  two  stories  often  to  show,  he 
said,  that  neither  death  nor  danger  could  quench  the 
grim  humor  of  the  American  soldier: 

"  A  soldier  of  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  was  being 
carried  to  the  rear  of  battle  with  both  legs  shot  off, 
who,  seeing  a  pie-woman  hovering  about,  asked,  *  Say, 
old  lady,  are  them  pies  sewed  or  pegged  ?  ' 

"  And  there  was  another  one  of  the  soldiers  at  the 
battle  of  Chancellorsville,  whose  regiment,  waiting  to 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  75 

be  called  into  the  fight,  was  taking  coffee.  The  hero 
of  the  story  put  to  his  lips  a  crockery  mug  which  he 
had  carried,  with  infinite  care,  through  several  cam- 
paigns. A  stray  bullet,  just  missing  the  drinker's  head, 
dashed  the  mug  into  fragments  and  left  only  the  han- 
dle on  his  finger.  Turning  his  head  in  that  direction, 
he  scowled,  '  Johnny,  you  can't  do  that  again.'  " 


ADVISES  AN  ANGRY  OFFICER 

An  officer,  having  had  some  trouble  with  General 
Sherman,  being  very  angry,  presented  himself  before 
Mr.  Lincoln,  who  was  visiting  the  camp,  and  said, 
"  Mr.  President,  I  have  a  cause  of  grievance.  This 
morning  I  went  to  Colonel  Sherman  and  he  threatened 
to  shoot  me."  "  Threatened  to  shoot  you?  "  said  Mr. 
Lincoln.  "Well  [in  a  stage  whisper],  if  I  were  you 
and  he  threatens  to  shoot,  I  would  not  trust  him,  for 
I  believe  he  would  do  it." 


"  HELP  ME  LET  THIS  HOG  GO  " 

The  terrible  butchery  at  the  battle  of  Fredericks- 
burg, made  Lincoln  almost  broken-hearted. 

Governor  Custer,  of  Pennsylvania,  expressed  his  re- 
grets that  his  description  had  so  sadly  affected  the 
President.  He  remarked:  "  I  would  give  all  I  possess 
to  know  how  to  rescue  you  from  this  terrible  war." 
Then  Mr.  Lincoln's  wonderful  recuperative  powers  as- 
serted themselves  and  this  marvelous  man  was  him- 
self. 

Lincoln's  whole  aspect  suddenly  changed,  and  he  re- 
lieved his  mind  by  telling  a  story. 


76  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  This  reminds  me,  Governor,"  he  said,  "  of  an  old 
farmer  out  in  Illinois  that  I  used  to  know. 

"  He  took  it  into  his  head  to  go  into  hog-raising.  He 
sent  out  to  Europe  and  imported  the  finest  breed  of 
hogs  he  could  buy. 

"  The  prize  hog  was  put  in  a  pen,  and  the  farmer's 
two  mischievous  boys,  James  and  John,  were  told  to 
be  sure  not  to  let  it  out.  But  James,  the  worst  of  the 
two,  let  the  brute  out  the  next  day.  The  hog  went 
straight  for  the  boys,  and  drove  John  up  a  tree,  then 
the  hog  went  for  the  seat  of  James'  trousers,  and  the 
only  way  the  boy  could  save  himself  was  by  holding  on 
to  the  hog's  tail. 

"  The  hog  would  not  give  up  his  hunt,  nor  the  boy 
his  hold !  After  they  had  made  a  good  many  circles 
around  the  tree,  the  boy's  courage  began  to  give  out, 
and  he  shouted  to  his  brother,  *  I  say,  John,  come  down, 
quick,  and  help  me  let  go  this  hog !  ' 

"  Now,  Governor,  that  is  exactly  my  case.  I  wish 
someone  would  come  and  help  me  to  let  the  hog  go." 


THE  SKUNK  STORY 

The  President  had  decided  to  select  a  new  war  min- 
ister, and  the  leading  Republican  Senators  thought  the 
occasion  was  opportune  to  change  the  whole  seven  Cabi- 
net ministers.  They,  therefore,  earnestly  advised  him 
to  make  a  clean  sweep,  and  select  seven  new  men,  and 
so  restore  the  waning  confidence  of  the  country.  The 
President  listened  with  patient  courtesy,  and  when  the 
Senators  had  concluded  he  said,  with  a  characteristic 
gleam  of  humor  in  his  eye : 

"  Gentlemen,  your  request  for  a  change  of  the  whole 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  77 

Cabinet  because  I  have  made  one  change,  reminds  me 
of  a  story  I  once  heard  in  Illinois,  of  a  farmer  who 
was  much  troubled  by  skunks.  His  wife  insisted  on 
his  trying  to  get  rid  of  them.  He  loaded  his  shotgun 
one  moonlight  night  and  awaited  developments.  After 
some  time  the  wife  heard  the  shotgun  go  off,  and,  in  a 
few  minutes,  the  farmer  entered  the  house.  '  What 
luck  have  you?'  said  she.  'I  hid  myself  behind  the 
wood-pile,'  said  the  old  man,  '  with  the  shotgun  pointed 
towards  the  hen  roost,  and  before  long  there  appeared 
not  one  skunk,  but  seven.  I  took  aim,  blazed  away, 
killed  one,  and  he  raised  such  a  fearful  smell  that  I  con- 
cluded it  was  best  to  let  the  other  six  go.'  ' 
The  Senators  laughed  and  retired. 


PASSES  TO  RICHMOND 

A  gentleman  called  upon  President  Lincoln  before 
the  fall  of  Richmond  and  solicited  a  pass  for  that 
place.  "  I  should  be  very  happy  to  oblige  you,"  said 
the  President,  "if  my  passes  were  respected;  but  the 
fact  is,  I  have,  within  the  past  two  years,  given  passes 
to  two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  men  to  go  to  Rich- 
mond and  not  one  has  got  there  yet." 


"  GRANT'S  WHISKY  "  THE  RIGHT  KIND 

Just  previous  to  the  fall  of  Vicksburg  a  self-con- 
stituted committee,  solicitous  for  the  morals  of  our 
armies,  took  it  upon  themselves  to  visit  the  President 
and  urge  the  removal  of  General  Grant. 

In  some  surprise  Mr.  Lincoln  inquired,  "  For  what 
reason?  " 


78  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  Why/'  replied  the  spokesman,  "  he  drinks  too  much 
whisky." 

"  Ah!  "  rejoined  Mr.  Lincoln,  dropping  his  lower  lip, 
"  by  the  way,  gentlemen,  can  either  of  you  tell  me 
where  General  Grant  procures  his  whisky?  Because, 
if  I  can  find  out,  I  will  send  every  general  in  the  field 
a  barrel  of  it !  " 


"  LET  JEFF  ESCAPE,  I  DON'T  WANT  HIM  " 

When  Grant  saw  that  Lee  must  soon  capitulate, 
Grant  asked  the  President  whether  he  should  try  to 
capture  Jeff.  Davis,  or  let  him  escape  from  the  country 
if  he  would.     The  President  said: 

"  About  that,  I  told  him  the  story  of  an  Irishman, 
who  had  the  pledge  of  Father  Matthew.  He  became 
terribly  thirsty,  and  applied  to  the  bartender  for  a 
lemonade,  and  while  it  was  being  prepared  he  whis- 
pered to  him,  *  And  couldn't  ye  put  a  little  brandy  in 
it  all  unbeknown  to  myself?  '  I  told  Grant  if  he  could 
let  Jeff.  Davis  escape  all  unbeknown  to  himself,  to  let 
him  go,  I  didn't  want  him." 


A  VERY  BRAINY  NUBBIN 

President  Lincoln  and  Secretary  of  State  Seward 
met  Alexander  H.  Stephens,  Vice-President  of  the  Con- 
federacy, on  February  2d,  1865,  on  the  River  Queen, 
at  Fortress  Monroe.  Stephens  was  enveloped  in  over- 
coats and  shawls,  and  had  the  appearance  of  a  fair- 
sized  man.  He  began  to  take  off  one  wrapping  after 
another,  until  the  small,  shriveled  old  man  stood  before 
them. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  79 

Lincoln  quietly  said  to  Seward:  "This  is  the 
largest  shucking  for  so  small  a  nubbin  that  I  ever 
saw." 

President  Lincoln  had  a  friendly  conference,  but 
presented  his  ultimatum  —  that  the  one  and  only  con- 
dition of  peace  was  that  Confederates  "  must  cease 
their  resistance/' 


HELPED  OUT  THE  SOLDIERS 

Judge  Thomas  B.  Bryan,  of  Chicago,  a  member  of 
the  Union  Defense  Committee  during  the  War,  related 
the  following  concerning  the  original  copy  of  the 
Emancipation  Proclamation: 

"  I  asked  Mr.  Lincoln  for  the  original  draft  of  the 
Proclamation,"  said  Judge  Bryan,  "  for  the  benefit  of 
our  Sanitary  Fair,  in  1865.  He  sent  it  and  accom- 
panied it  with  a  note  in  which  he  said: 

"  '  I  had  intended  to  keep  this  paper,  but  if  it  will 
help  the  soldiers,  I  give  it  to  you/ 

"  The  paper  was  put  up  at  auction  and  brought 
$3,000.  The  buyer  afterward  sold  it  again  to  friends 
of  Mr.  Lincoln  at  a  greatly  advanced  price,  and  it  was 
placed  in  the  rooms  of  the  Chicago  Historical  Society, 
where  it  was  burned  in  the  great  fire  of  1871." 


"THE  ENEMY  ARE  * OURN '  " 

Early  in  the  Presidential  campaign  of  1864,  Presi- 
dent Lincoln  said  one  night  to  a  late  caller  at  the  White 
House: 

"  We  have  met  the  enemy  and  they  are  '  ourn  ' !  I 
think  the  cabal  of  obstructionists  '  am  busted/     I  feel 


80  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

certain  that,  if  I  live,  I  am  going  to  be  reelected. 
Whether  I  deserve  to  be  or  not,  it  is  not  for  me  to 
say;  but  on  the  score  even  of  remunerative  chances  for 
speculative  service,  I  now  am  inspired  with  the  hope 
that  our  disturbed  country  further  requires  the  valuable 
services  of  your  humble  servant.  *  Jordan  has  been  a 
hard  road  to  travel/  but  I  feel  now  that,  notwithstand- 
ing the  enemies  I  have  made  and  the  faults  I  have 
committed,  I'll  be  dumped  on  the  right  side  of  that 
stream. 

"  I  hope,  however,  that  I  may  never  have  another 
four  years  of  such  anxiety,  tribulation  and  abuse.  My 
only  ambition  is  and  has  been  to  put  down  the  rebellion 
and  restore  peace,  after  which  I  want  to  resign  my 
office,  go  abroad,  take  some  rest,  study  foreign  govern- 
ments, see  something  of  foreign  life,  and  in  my  old  age 
die  in  peace  with  all  of  the  good  of  God's  creatures." 


"AND  — HERE  I  AM!" 

An  old  acquaintance  of  the  President  visited  him  in 
Washington.  Lincoln  desired  to  give  him  a  place. 
Thus  encouraged,  the  visitor,  who  was  an  honest  man, 
but  wholly  inexperienced  in  public  affairs  or  business, 
asked  for  a  high  office,  Superintendent  of  the  Mint. 

The  President  was  aghast,  and  said :  "  Good  gra- 
cious !  Why  didn't  he  ask  to  be  Secretary  of  the  Treas- 
ury, and  have  done  with  it?  " 

Afterward,  he  said:     "Well,  now,  I  never  thought 

Mr. had  anything  more  than  average  ability,  when 

we  were  young  men  together.  But,  then,  I  suppose 
he  thought  the  same  thing  about  me,  and  —  here  I 
am!" 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  81 

LIEUTENANT   TAD   LINCOLN'S   SENTI- 
NELS 

President  Lincoln's  favorite  son,  Tad,  having 
been  sportively  commissioned  a  lieutenant  in  the  United 
States  Army  by  Secretary  Stanton,  procured  several 
muskets  and  drilled  the  men-servants  of  the  house  in 
the  manual  of  arms  without  attracting  the  attention 
of  his  father.  And  one  night,  to  his  consternation,  he 
put  them  all  on  duty,  and  relieved  the  regular  sentries, 
who,  seeing  the  lad  in  full  uniform,  or  perhaps  appreci- 
ating the  joke,  gladly  went  to  their  quarters.  His 
brother  objected;  but  Tad  insisted  upon  his  rights  as  an 
officer.  The  President  laughed  but  declined  to  inter- 
fere, but  when  the  lad  had  lost  his  little  authority  in  his 
boyish  sleep,  the  Commander-in-Chief  of  the  Army  and 
Navy  of  the  United  States  went  down  and  personally 
discharged  the  sentries  his  son  had  put  on  the  post. 


SHORT,  BUT  EXCITING 

William  B.  Wilson,  employed  in  the  telegraph  of- 
fice at  the  War  Department,  ran  over  to  the  White 
House  one  day  to  summon  Mr.  Lincoln.  He  described 
the  trip  back  to  the  War  Department  in  this  manner: 

"  Calling  one  of  his  two  younger  boys  to  join  him, 
we  then  started  from  the  White  House,  between  stately 
trees,  along  a  gravel  path  which  led  to  the  rear  of  the 
old  War  Department  building.  It  was  a  warm  day, 
and  Mr.  Lincoln  wore  as  part  of  his  costume  a  faded 
gray  linen  duster  which  hung  loosely  around  his  long 
gaunt  frame;  his  kindly  eye  was  beaming  with  good 
nature,  and  his  ever-thoughtful  brow  was  unruffled. 

"  We  had  barely  reached  the  gravel  walk  before  he 


82  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

stooped  over,  picked  up  a  round  smooth  pebble,  and 
shooting  it  off  his  thumb,  challenged  us  to  a  game  of 
*  following^/  which  we  accepted.  Each  in  turn  tried 
to  hit  the  outlying  stone,  which  was  being  constantly 
projected  onward  by  the  President.  The  game  was 
short,  but  exciting;  the  cheerfulness  of  childhood,  the 
ambition  of  young  manhood,  and  the  gravity  of  the 
statesman  were  all  injected  into  it. 

"  The  game  was  not  won  until  the  steps  of  the  War 
Department  were  reached.  Every  inch  of  progression 
was  toughly  contested,  and  when  the  President  was  de- 
clared victor,  it  was  only  by  a  hand  span.  He  ap- 
peared to  be  as  much  pleased  as  if  he  had  won  a  bat- 
tle." 


HE  WANTED  A  STEADY  HAND 

When  the  Emancipation  Proclamation  was  taken  to 
Mr.  Lincoln  by  Secretary  Seward,  for  the  President's 
signature,  Mr.  Lincoln  took  a  pen,  dipped  it  in  the  ink, 
moved  his  hand  to  the  place  for  the  signature,  held  it 
a  moment,  then  removed  his  hand  and  dropped  the  pen. 
After  jsl  little  hesitation,  he  again  took  up  the  pen  and 
went  through  the  same  movement  as  before.  Mr.  Lin- 
coln then  turned  to  Mr.  Seward  and  said: 

"  I  have  been  shaking  hands  since  nine  o'clock  this 
morning,  and  my  right  arm  is  almost  paralyzed.  If  my 
name  ever  goes  into  history,  it  will  be  for  this  act,  and 
my  whole  soul  is  in  it.  If  my  hand  trembles  when  I 
sign  the  Proclamation,  all  who  examine  the  document 
hereafter  will  say,  '  He  hesitated.'  " 

He  then  turned  to  the  table,  took  up  the  pen  again, 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  83 

and    slowly,    firmly    wrote    "  Abraham    Lincoln/'    with 
which  the  whole  world  is  now  familiar. 

He  then  looked  up,  smiled,  and  said,  "  That  will  do.." 


THE  NEGRO  AND  THE  CROCODILE 

In  one  of  his  political  speeches,  Judge  Douglas  made 
use  of  the  following  figure  of  speech:  "  As  between  the 
crocodile  and  the  negro,  I  take  the  side  of  the  negro; 
but  as  between  the  negro  and  the  white  man  —  I  would 
go  for  the  white  man  every  time." 

Lincoln,  at  home,  noted  that;  and  afterward  ,  when 
he  had  occasion  to  refer  to  the  remark,  he  sa  d:  "  I 
believe  that  this  is  a  sort  of  proposition  in  proportion, 
which  may  be  stated  thus :  '  As  the  negro  is  to  the 
white  man,  so  is  the  crocodile  to  the  negro;  and  as  the 
negro  may  rightfully  treat  the  crocodile  as  a  beast  or 
reptile,  so  the  white  man  may  rightfully  treat  the  negro 
as  a  beast  or  reptile.'  " 


ENTERED  THE  COLT 

Mr.  Lincoln  was  seen  coming  away  from  church,  un- 
usually early  one  Sunday  morning.  "  The  sermon 
could  not  have  been  more  than  half  way  through,"  says 
Mr.  Alcott.  '  Tad  '  was  slung  across  his  left  arm  like 
a  pair  of  saddle-bags,  and  Mr.  Lincoln  was  striding 
along  with  long,  deliberate  steps  toward  his  home.  On 
one  of  the  street  corners  he  encountered  a  group  of  his 
fellow-townsmen.  Mr.  Lincoln  anticipated  the  question 
which  was  about  to  be  put  by  the  group,  and,  taking  his 
figure  of  speech  from  practices  with  which  they  were 


84  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

only   too    familiar,   said:     '  Gentlemen,    I    entered   this 
colt,  but  he  kicked  around  so  I  had  to  withdraw  him.'  ' 


"  TAD  "  GOT  HIS  DOLLAR 

No  matter  who  was  with  the  President,  or  how 
intently  absorbed,  his  little  son  "  Tad  "  was  always  wel- 
come.     He  almost  always  accompanied  his  father. 

Once,  on  the  way  to  Fortress  Monroe,  he  became  very 
troublesome.  The  President  was  much  engaged  in  con- 
versation with  the  party  who  accompanied  him,  and  he 
at  length  said: 

'  Tc  d,'  if  you  will  be  a  good  boy,  and  not  disturb 
me  any  nore  until  we  get  to  Fortress  Monroe,  I  will  give 
you    i  dollar.'' 

The  hope  of  reward  was  effectual  for  awhile  in  se- 
curing silence,  but,  boylike,  "  Tad "  soon  forgot  his 
promise,  and  was  as  noisy  as  ever.  Upon  reaching  their 
destination,  however,  he  said,  very  promptly:  "  Father, 
I  want  my  dollar."  Mr.  Lincoln  looked  at  him  half-re- 
proachfully  for  an  instant,  and  then,  taking  from  his 
pocketbook  a  dollar  note,  he  said :  "  Well,  my  son,  at 
any  rate,  I  will  keep  my  part  of  the  bargain." 


LINCOLN'S  APOLOGY  TO  GRANT 

"  General  Grant  is  a  copious  worker  and  fighter," 
President  Lincoln  wrote  to  General  Burnside  in  July, 
1863,  "  but  a  meager  writer  or  telegrapher." 

Grant  never  wrote  a  report  until  the  battle  was  over. 

President  Lincoln  wrote  a  letter  to  General  Grant  on 
July  13th,  1863,  which  indicated  the  strength  of  the 
hold  the  successful  fighter  had  upon  the  man  in  the 
White  House. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  85 

It  ran  as  follows: 

"  I  do  not  remember  that  you  and  I  ever  met  per- 
sonally. 

"  I  write  this  now  as  a  grateful  acknowledgment  for 
the  almost  inestimable  service  you  have  done  the  coun- 
try. 

"  I  write  to  say  a  word  further. 

"  When  you  first  reached  the  vicinity  of  Vicksburg,  I 
thought  you  should  do  what  you  finally  did  —  march  the 
troops  across  the  neck,  run  the  batteries  with  the  trans- 
ports, and  thus  go  below;  and  I  never  had  any  faith, 
except  a  general  hope,  that  you  knew  better  than  I,  that 
the  Yazoo  Pass  expedition,  and  the  like,  could  suc- 
ceed. 

"  When  you  got  below  and  took  Port  Gibson,  Grand 
Gulf  and  vicinity,  I  thought  you  should  go  down  the 
river  and  join  General  Banks;  and  when  you  turned 
northward,  east  of  Big  Black,  I  feared  it  was  a  mistake. 

"  I  now  wish  to  make  the  personal  acknowledgment 
that  you  were  right  and  I  was  wrong." 


LINCOLN  SAID  "BY  JING  " 

Lincoln  never  used  profanity,  except  when  he  quoted 
it  to  illustrate  a  point  in  a  story.  His  favorite  expres- 
sions when  lie  spoke  with  emphasis  were  "  By  dear !  " 
and  "By  jing!" 

Just  preceding  the  Civil  War  he  sent  Ward  Lamon 
on  a  ticklish  mission  to  South  Carolina. 

When  the  proposed  trip  was  mentioned  to  Secretary 
Seward,  he  opposed  it,  saying,  "  Mr.  President,  I  fear 
you  are  sending  Lamon  to  his  grave.  I  am  afraid  they 
will  kill  him  in  Charleston,  where  the  people  are  ex- 


86  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

cited  and  desperate.  We  can't  spare  Lamon,  and  we 
shall  feel  badly  if  anything  happens  to  him." 

Mr.  Lincoln  said  in  reply:  "I  have  known  Lamon 
to  be  in  many  a  close  place,  and  he  has  never  been  in 
one  that  he  didn't  get  out  of,  somehow.  By  jing!  I'll 
risk  him.  Go  ahead,  Lamon,  and  God  bless  you!  If 
you  can't  bring  back  any  good  news,  bring  a  palmetto.'' 

Lamon  brought  back  a  palmetto  branch,  but  no  prom- 
ise of  peace. 


THE  GUN  SHOT  BETTER 

The  President  took  a  lively  interest  in  all  new  fire 
arm  improvements  and  inventions,  and  it  sometimes  hap- 
pened that,  when  an  inventor  could  get  nobody  else  in 
the  Government  to  listen  to  him,  the  President  would 
personally  test  his  gun.  A  former  clerk  in  the  Navy 
Department  tells  an  incident  illustrative. 

He  had  stayed  late  one  night  at  his  desk,  when  he 
heard  someone  striding  up  and  down  the  hall  muttering: 
"  I  do  wonder  if  they  have  gone  already  and  left  the 
building  all  alone."  Looking  out,  the  clerk  was  sur- 
prised to  see  the  President. 

"  Good  evening,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln.  "  I  was  just 
looking  for  that  man  who  goes  shooting  with  me  some- 
times." 

The  clerk  knew  Mr.  Lincoln  referred  to  a  certain 
messenger  of  the  Ordnance  Department  who  had  been 
accustomed  to  going  with  him  to  test  weapons,  but  as 
this  man  had  gone  home,  the  clerk  offered  his  services. 
Together  they  went  to  the  lawn  south  of  the  White 
House,  where  Mr.  Lincoln  fixed  up  a  target  cut  from  a 
sheet  of  white  Congressional  notepaper. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  87 

"  Then  pacing  off  a  distance  of  about  eighty  or  a  hun- 
dred feet/'  writes  the  clerk,  "  he  raised  the  rifle  to  a 
level,  took  a  quick  aim,  and  drove  the  round  of  seven 
shots  in  quick  succession,  the  bullets  shooting  all  around 
the  target  like  a  Gatling  gun  and  one  striking  near  the 
center. 

"  '  I  believe  I  can  make  this  gun  shoot  better,'  said 
Mr.  Lincoln,  after  we  had  looked  at  the  result  of  the 
first  fire.  With  this  he  took  from  his  vest  pocket  a 
small  wooden  sight  which  he  had  whittled  from  a  pine 
stick,  and  adjusted  it  over  the  sight  of  the  carbine. 
He  then  shot  two  rounds,  and  of  the  fourteen  bullets 
nearly  a  dozen  hit  the  paper !  " 


FORNINST  THE  GOVERNMENT 

The  Governor-General,  with  some  of  his  principal  of- 
ficers, visited  Lincoln  in  the  summer  of  1864. 

They  had  been  very  troublesome  in  harboring  block- 
ade runners,  and  they  were  said  to  have  carried  on  a 
large  trade  from  their  ports  with  the  Confederates. 

Lincoln  treated  his  guests  with  great  courtesy. 
After  a  pleasant  interview,  the  Governor,  alluding  to 
the  coming  Presidential  election,  said  jokingly,  but  with 
a  grain  of  sarcasm,  "  I  understand,  Mr.  President,  that 
everybody  votes  in  this  country.  If  we  remain  until 
November,  can  we  vote?  " 

"  You  remind  me,"  replied  the  President,  "  of  a  coun- 
tryman of  yours,  a  green  emigrant  from  Ireland.  Pat 
arrived  on  election  day,  and  perhaps  was  as  eager  as 
your  Excellency  to  vote  and  to  vote  early,  and  late  and 
often. 

"  So  upon  landing  at  Castle  Garden,  he  hastened  to 


88  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

the  nearest  voting  place,  and,  as  he  approached,  the 
j  udge  who  received  the  ballots  inquired,  '  Who  do  you 
want  to  vote  for?  On  which  side  are  you?  '  Poor  Pat 
was  embarrassed,  he  did  not  know  who  were  the  candi- 
dates. He  stopped,  scratched  his  head,  then,  with  the 
readiness  of  his  countrymen,  he  said: 

"  '  I  am  forninst  the  Government,  any  how.  Tell  me, 
if  your  Honor  plases,  which  is  the  rebellion  side,  and 
I'll  tell  you  how  I  want  to  vote.  In  ould  Ireland,  I 
was  always  on  the  rebellion  side,  and,  by  Saint  Patrick, 
I'll  do  that  same  in  America.'  Your  Excellency,"  said 
Mr.  Lincoln,  "  would,  I  should  think,  not  be  at  all  at 
a  loss  on  which  side  to  vote !  " 


"  ONE  WAR  AT  A  TIME  " 

Nothing  in  Lincoln's  entire  career  better  illustrated 
the  surprising  resources  of  his  mind  than  his  manner  of 
dealing  with  "  The  Trent  Affair."  The  readiness  and 
ability  with  which  he  met  this  perilous  emergency,  in  a 
field  entirely  new  to  his  experience,  was  worthy  the 
most  accomplished  diplomat  and  statesman.  Admi- 
rable, also,  was  his  cool  courage  and  self-reliance  in  fol- 
lowing a  course  radically  opposed  to  the  prevailing 
sentiment  throughout  the  country  and  in  Congress,  and 
contrary  to  the  advice  of  his  own  Cabinet. 

Secretary  of  the  Navy  Wells  hastened  to  approve  of- 
ficially the  act  of  Captain  Wilkes  in  apprehending  the 
Confederate  Commissioners  Mason  and  Slidell,  Secre- 
tary Stanton  publicly  applauded,  and  even  Secretary 
of  State  Seward,  whose  long  public  career  had  made 
him  especially  conservative,  stated  that  he  was  opposed 
to  any  concession  or  surrender  of  Mason  and  Slidell. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  89 

But  Lincoln,  with  great  sagacity,  simply  said,  "  One 
war  at  a  time." 


HARDTACK  WANTED,  NOT  GENERALS 

Secretary  Stanton  told  the  President  the  following 
that  greatly  amused  him,  as  he  was  especially  fond  of 
a  joke  at  the  expense  of  some  high  military  or  civil  dig- 
nitary. 

When  Stanton  was  making  a  trip  up  the  Broad 
river  in  North  Carolina,  in  a  tub  boat,  a  Federal  picket 
yelled  out,  "  What  have  you  got  on  board  of  that  tug?  " 

The  severe  and  dignified  answer  was,  "  The  Secretary 
of  War  and  Major-General  Foster." 

Instantly  the  picket  roared  back,  "  We've  got  Major- 
Generals  enough  up  here.  Why  don't  you  bring  us  up 
some  hardtack?  " 


CONSCRIPTING  DEAD  MEN 

Mr.  Lincoln  being  found  fault  with  for  making  an- 
other "  call,"  said  that  if  the  country  required  it,  he 
would  continue  to  do  so  until  the  matter  stood  as  de- 
scribed by  a  Western  provost  marshal,  who  says : 

"  I  listened  a  short  time  since  to  a  butternut-clad  in- 
dividual, who  succeeded  in  making  good  his  escape,  ex- 
patiate most  eloquently  on  the  rigidness  with  which  the 
conscription  was  enforced  south  of  the  Tennessee  River. 
His  response  to  a  question  propounded  by  a  citizen  ran 
somewhat  in  this  wise: 

1  Do  they  conscript  close  over  the  river?  ' 
Stranger,   I    should   think   they   did !      They   take 
every  man  who  hasn't  been  dead  more  than  two  days !  ' 


90  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  If  this  is  correct,  the  Confederacy  has  at  least  a 
ghost  of  a  chance  left." 

And  of  another,  a  Methodist  minister  in  Kansas,  liv- 
ing on  a  small  salary,  who  was  greatly  troubled  to  get 
his  quarterly  installment.  He  at  last  told  the  non- 
paying  trustees  that  he  must  have  his  money,  as  he  was 
suffering  for  the  necessaries  of  life. 

"  Money !"  replied  the  trustees;  "you  preach  for 
money?  We  thought  you  preached  for  the  good  of 
souls !  " 

"Souls!"  responded  the  reverend;  "I  can't  eat 
souls;  and  if  I  could  it  would  take  a  thousand  such  as 
yours  to  make  a  meal !  " 

"  That  soul  is  the  point,  sir,"  said  the  President. 


"  HONEST  OLD  ABE  " 

"  An  old  man  hailing  from  Mississippi,  dressed  in 
plain  homespun,  came  to  our  city  Saturday.  He 
mingled  freely  with  the  Republican  Representatives, 
got  their  news,  and  seemed  to  think  we  are  not  quite  so 
black  as  we  are  represented. 

"  He  called  on  Mr.  Lincoln,  talked  freely  with  him, 
and  heard  the  President-elect  express  his  sentiments 
and  intentions.  He  learned  that  Mr.  Lincoln  enter- 
tained none  but  the  kindest  feelings  towards  the  people 
of  the  South,  and  that  he  would  protect  the  South  in  her 
just  rights. 

"  He  had  a  long  conversation,  and  went  away  de- 
lighted. He  left  the  office  of  Mr.  Lincoln  in  company 
with  a  friend,  who  communicated  this  to  us,  and  when 
outside  the  door  he  remarked,  while  the  tears  stole  down 
his  furrowed  cheeks:     '  Oh!  if  the  people  of  the  South 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  91 

could  hear  what  I  have  heard,  they  would  love  and  not 
hate  Mr.  Lincoln.  I  will  tell  my  friends  at  home;  but/ 
he  added  sorrowfully,  '  they  will  not  believe  me/  He 
said  that  he  did  wish  that  every  man  in  the  South  could 
be  personally  acquainted  with  Mr.  Lincoln." 


LINCOLN'S  REJECTED  MANUSCRIPT 

On  February  5th,  1865,  President  Lincoln  formulated 
a  message  to  Congress,  proposing  the  payment  of  $400,- 
000,000  to  the  South  as  compensation  for  slaves  lost  by 
emancipation,  and  submitted  it  to  his  Cabinet,  only  to 
be  unanimously  rejected. 

Lincoln  sadly  accepted  the  decision,  and  filed  away 
the  manuscript  message,  together  with  this  indorsement 
thereon,  to  which  his  signature  was  added:  "  February 
5,  1865.  To-day  these  papers,  which  explain  them- 
selves, were  drawn  up  and  submitted  to  the  Cabinet 
and  unanimously  disapproved  b}r  them." 

When  the  proposed  message  was  disapproved,  Lincoln 
soberly  asked:     "  How  long  will  the  war  last?  " 

To  this  none  could  make  answer,  and  he  added: 
"  We  are  spending  now,  in  carrying  on  the  war,  $3,000,- 
000  a  day,  which  will  amount  to  all  this  money,  besides 
all  the  lives." 


PRESIDENT  NOMINATED  FIRST 

The  day  of  Lincoln's  second  nomination  for  the 
Presidency  he  forgot  all  about  the  Republican  National 
Convention,  sitting  at  Baltimore,  and  wandered  over  to 
the  War  Department.     While  there,  a  telegram  came, 


92  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

announcing  the  nomination  of  Johnson  as  Vice-Presi- 
dent. 

"  What/'  said  Lincoln  to  the  operator,  "  do  they 
nominate  a  Vice-President  before  they  do  a  President?  " 

"  Why,"  replied  the  astonished  official,  "  have  you  not 
heard  of  your  own  nomination?  It  was  sent  to  the 
White  House  two  hours  ago." 

"It  is  all  right,"  replied  the  President;  "I  shall 
probably  find  it  on  my  return." 


WOMEN  PLEAD  FOR  PARDONS 

One  day  during  the  War  an  attractively  and  hand- 
somely dressed  woman  called  on  President  Lincoln  to 
procure  the  release  from  prison  of  a  relation  in  whom 
she  professed  the  deepest  interest. 

She  was  a  good  talker,  and  her  winning  ways  seemed 
to  make  a  deep  impression  on  the  President.  After  lis- 
tening to  her  story,  he  wrote  a  few  words  on  a  card: 
"  This  woman,  dear  Stanton,  is  a  little  smarter  than  she 
looks  to  be,"  enclosed  it  in  an  envelope  and  directed  her 
to  take  it  to  the  Secretary  of  War. 

On  the  same  day  another  woman  called,  more  humble 
in  appearance,  more  plainly  clad.      It  was  the  old  story. 

Father  and  son  both  in  the  army,  the  former  in 
prison.  Could  not  the  latter  be  discharged  from  the 
army  and  sent  home  to  help  his  mother? 

A  few  strokes  of  the  pen,  a  gentle  nod  of  the  head, 
and  the  little  woman,  her  eyes  filling  with  tears  and 
expressing  a  grateful  acknowledgment  her  tongue  could 
not  utter,  passed  out. 

A  ladv  so  thankful  for  the  release  of  her  husband  was 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  93 

in  the  act  of  kneeling  in  thankfulness.  "  Get  up,"  he 
said,  "  don't  kneel  to  me,  but  thank  God  and  go." 

An  old  lady  for  the  same  reason  came  forward 
with  tears  in  her  eyes  to  express  her  gratitude.  "  Good- 
by,  Mr.  Lincoln,"  said  she;  "  I  shall  probably  never 
see  you  again  till  we  meet  in  heaven."  She  had  the 
President's  hand  in  hers,  and  he  was  deeply  moved. 
He  instantly  took  her  right  hand  in  both  of  his,  and, 
following  her  to  the  door,  said,  "  I  am  afraid  with  all 
my  troubles  I  shall  never  get  to  the  resting-place  you 
speak  of;  but  if  I  do,  I  am  sure  I  shall  find  you.  That 
you  wish  me  to  get  there  is,  I  believe,  the  best  wish  you 
could  make  for  me.      Good-by." 

Then  the  President  remarked  to  a  friend,  "  It  is  more 
than  many  can  often  say,  that  in  doing  right  one  has 
made  two  people  happy  in  one  day.  Speed,  die  when 
I  may,  I  want  it  said  of  me  by  those  who  know  me  best, 
that  I  have  always  plucked  a  thistle  and  planted  a 
flower  when  I  thought  a  flower  would  grow." 


HAD  TO  WAIT  FOR  HIM 

President  Lincoln,  having  arranged  to  go  to  New 
York,  was  late  for  his  train,  much  to  the  disgust  of  those 
who  were  to  accompany  him,  and  all  were  compelled  to 
wait  several  hours  until  the  next  train  steamed  out  of 
the  station.  President  Lincoln  was  much  amused  at  the 
dissatisfaction  displa3red,  and  then  ventured  the  remark 
that  the  situation  reminded  him  of  "  a  little  story." 
Said  he: 

"  Out  in  Illinois,  a  convict  who  had  murdered  his  cell- 
mate was  sentenced  to  be  hanged.  On  the  day  set  for 
the  execution,  crowds  lined  the  roads  leading  to  the  spot 


94  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

where  the  scaffold  had  been  erected,  and  there  was 
much  jostling  and  excitement.  The  condemned  man 
took  matters  coolly,  and  as  one  batch  of  perspiring,  anx- 
ious men  rushed  past  the  cart  in  which  he  was  riding,  he 
called  out,  '  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  boys.  You've  got 
plenty  of  time.  There  won't  be  any  fun  until  I  get 
there.' 

"  That's  the  condition  of  things  now,"  concluded  the 
President;  "  there  won't  be  any  fun  at  New  York  until 
I  get  there." 


HOW  HOMINY  WAS  ORIGINATED 

During  the  progress  of  a  Cabinet  meeting  the  sub- 
ject of  food  for  the  men  in  the  Army  happened  to  come 
up.  From  that  the  conversation  changed  to  the  study 
of  the  Latin  language. 

"  I  studied  Latin  once,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  in  a  casual 
way. 

"  Were  you  interested  in  it?  "  asked  Mr.  Seward,  the 
Secretary  of  State. 

"  Well,  yes.  I  saw  some  very  curious  things,"  was 
the  President's  rejoinder. 

"  What?  "  asked  Secretary  Seward. 

"  Well,  there's  the  word  hominy,  for  instance.  We 
have  just  ordered  a  lot  of  that  stuff  for  the  troops.  I 
see  how  the  word  originated.  I  notice  it  came  from  the 
Latin  word  homo  —  a  man. 

"  When  we  decline  homo,  it  is : 

"  '  Homo  —  a  man. 

"  '  Hominis  —  of  man. 

"  '  Homini  —  for  man/ 

"  So  you  see,  hominy,  being  '  for  man/  comes  from 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  95 

the  Latin.  I  guess  those  soldiers  who  don't  know  Latin 
will  get  along  with  it  all  right  —  though  I  won't  rest 
real  easy  until  I  hear  from  the  Commissary  Department 
on  it." 


HIS  IDEAS  OLD,  AFTER  ALL 

One  day,  while  listening  to  one  of  the  wise  men  who 
had  called  at  the  White  House  to  unload  a  large  cargo 
of  advice,  the  President  interjected  a  remark  to  the 
effect  that  he  had  a  great  reverence  for  learning. 

"  This  is  not,"  President  Lincoln  explained,  "  because 
I  am  not  an  educated  man.  I  feel  the  need  of  read- 
ing. It  is  a  loss  to  a  man  not  to  have  grown  up  among 
books." 

"  Men  of  force,"  the  visitor  answered,  "  can  get  on 
pretty  well  without  books.  They  do  their  own  thinking 
instead  of  adopting  what  other  men  think." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  but  books  serve  to  show 
a  man  that  those  original  thoughts  of  his  aren't  very 
new,  after  all." 

This  was  a  point  the  caller  was  not  willing  to  debate, 
and  so  he  cut  his  call  short. 


HE'D   RUIN   ALL  THE  OTHER  CONVICTS 

One  of  the  droll  stories  brought  into  play  by  the 
President  as  an  ally  in  support  of  his  contention,  proved 
most  effective.  Politics  was  rife  among  the  generals  of 
the  Union  Army,  and  there  was  more  "  wire-pulling  "  to 
prevent  the  advancement  of  fellow  commanders  than  the 
laying  of  plans  to  defeat  the  Confederates  in  battle. 

However,  when  it  so  happened  that  the  name  of  a  par- 


96  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

ticularly  unpopular  general  was  sent  to  the  Senate  for 
confirmation,  the  protest  against  his  promotion  was  al- 
almost  unanimous.  The  nomination  didn't  seem  to 
please  anyone.  Generals  who  were  enemies  before  con- 
ferred together  for  the  purpose  of  bringing  every  pos- 
sible influence  to  bear  upon  the  Senate  and  securing  the 
rejection  of  the  hated  leader's  name.  The  President 
was  surprised.  He  had  never  known  such  unanimity 
before. 

"  You  remind  me,"  said  the  President  to  a  delegation 
of  officers  which  called  upon  him  one  day  to  present  a 
fresh  protest  to  him  regarding  the  nomination,  "of  a 
visit  a  certain  Governor  paid  to  the  Penitentiary  of  his 
State.  It  had  been  announced  that  the  Governor  would 
hear  the  story  of  every  inmate  of  the  institution,  and 
was  prepared  to  rectify,  either  by  commutation  or  par- 
don, any  wrongs  that  had  been  done  to  any  prisoner. 

"  One  by  one  the  convicts  appeared  before  His  Ex- 
cellency, and  each  one  maintained  that  he  was  an  inno- 
cent man,  who  had  been  sent  to  prison  because  the  police 
didn't  like  him,  or  his  friends  and  relatives  wanted  his 
property,  or  he  was  too  popular,  etc.,  etc.  The  last 
prisoner  to  appear  was  an  individual  who  was  not  at  all 
prepossessing.  His  face  was  against  him ;  his  eyes  were 
shifty;  he  didn't  have  the  appearance  of  an  honest  man, 
and  he  didn't  act  like  one. 

"  '  Well/  asked  the  Governor,  impatiently,  '  I  suppose 
you're  innocent  like  the  rest  of  these  fellows  ?  ' 

"  '  No,  Governor/  was  the  unexpected  answer ;  '  I 
was  guilty  of  the  crime  they  charged  against  me,  and  I 
got  just  what  I  deserved/ 

"  When  he  had  recovered  from  his  astonishment,  the 
Governor,  looking  the   fellow  square  in  the   face,   re- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  97 

marked  with  emphasis:  '  I'll  have  to  pardon  you,  be- 
cause I  don't  want  to  leave  so  bad  a  man  as  you  are  in 
the  company  of  such  innocent  sufferers  as  I  have  dis- 
covered your  fellow-convicts  to  be.  You  might  cor- 
rupt them  and  teach  them  wicked  tricks.  As  soon  as  I 
get  back  to  the  capital,  I'll  have  the  papers  made  out/ 

"  You  gentlemen/'  continued  the  President,  "  ought 
to  be  glad  that  so  bad  a  man  is  going  to  have  his  pro- 
motion so  you  will  not  be  contaminated  by  associating 
with  him." 


WISHED  THE  ARMY  CHARGED  LIKE 
THAT 

A  prominent  volunteer  officer  who,  early  in  the  War, 
was  on  duty  in  Washington  and  often  carried  reports  to 
Secretary  Stanton  at  the  War  Department,  told  a  char- 
acteristic story  on  President  Lincoln.     Said  he: 

"  I  was  with  several  other  young  officers,  also  carry- 
ing reports  to  the  War  Department,  and  one  morning  we 
were  late.  In  this  instance  we  were  in  a  desperate 
hurry  to  deliver  the  papers,  in  order  to  be  able  to  catch 
the  train  returning  to  camp. 

"  On  the  winding,  dark  staircase  of  the  old  War  De- 
partment, which  many  will  remember,  it  was  our  misfor- 
tune, while  taking  about  three  stairs  at  a  time,  to  run  a 
certain  head  like  a  catapult  into  the  body  of  the  Presi- 
dent, striking  him  in  the  region  of  the  right  lower  vest 
pocket. 

"  The  usual  surprised  and  relaxed  grunt  of  a  man  thus 
assailed  came  promptly. 

"  We  quickly  sent  an  apology  in  the  direction  of  the 
dimly  seen  form,  feeling  that  the  ungracious  shock  was 


98  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

expensive,  even  to  the  humblest  clerk  in  the  department. 

"  A  second  glance  revealed  to  us  the  President  as  the 
victim  of  the  collision.  Then  followed  a  special  tender 
of  '  ten  thousand  pardons,'  and  the  President's  reply: 

"'One's  enough;  I  wish  the  whole  army  would 
charge  like  that.'  " 


"DID  YE  ASK  MORRISSEY  YET?" 

John  Morrissey,  the  noted  prize  fighter,  was  the 
"  Boss  "  of  Tammany  Hall  during  the  Civil  War  period. 
It  pleased  his  fancy  to  go  to  Congress,  and  his  obedient 
constituents  sent  him  there.  Morrissey  was  such  an  ab- 
solute despot  that  the  New  York  City  democracy  could 
not  make  a  move  without  his  consent,  and  many  of  the 
Tammanyites  were  so  afraid  of  him  that  they  would  not 
even  enter  into  business  ventures  without  consulting  the 
autocrat. 

President  Lincoln  had  been  seriously  annoyed  by 
some  of  his  generals,  who  were  afraid  to  make  the  slight- 
est move  before  asking  advice  from  Washington.  One 
commander,  in  particular,  was  so  cautious  that  he  tele- 
graphed the  War  Department  upon  the  slightest  pretext, 
the  result  being  that  his  troops  were  lying  in  camp  doing 
nothing,  when  they  should  have  been  in  the  field. 

"  This  general  reminds  me,"  the  President  said  one 
day  while  talking  to  Secretary  Stanton,  at  the  War  De- 
partment, "  of  a  story  I  once  heard  about  a  Tammany 
man.  He  happened  to  meet  a  friend,  also  a  member  of 
Tammany,  on  the  street,  and  in  the  course  of  the  talk  the 
friend,  who  was  beaming  with  smiles  and  good  nature, 
told  the  other  Tammanyite  that  he  was  going  to  be  mar- 
ried. 


ABRAHAM   LINXOLN  99 

"  This  first  Tammany  man  looked  more  serious  than 
men  usually  do  upon  hearing  of  the  impending  happi- 
ness of  a  friend.  In  fact,  his  face  seemed  to  take  on  a 
look  of  anxiety  and  worry. 

Ain't  you  glad  to  know  that  I'm  to  get  married?  ' 
demanded  the  second  Tammanyite,  somewhat  in  a  huff. 

"  '  Of  course,  I  am/  was  the  reply;  '  but/  putting  his 
mouth  close  to  the  ear  of  the  other,  '  have  you  asked 
Morrissey  yet?  ' 

"  Now,  this  general  of  whom  we  are  speaking, 
wouldn't  dare  order  out  the  guard  without  asking  Mor- 
rissey/' concluded  the  President. 


THE  LITTLE  DRUMMER  BOY 

The  President  noticed  a  small,  pale,  delicate  looking 
boy,  about  thirteen  years  old,  among  the  number  in 
the  ante-chamber.  The  President  saw  him  standing 
there,  looking  so  feeble  and  faint,  and  said:  "  Come 
here,  my  boy,  and  tell  me  what  you  want."  The  boy 
advanced,  placed  his  hand  on  the  arm  of  the  President's 
chair,  and  with  a  bowed  head  and  timid  accents  said: 
"  Mr.  President,  I  have  been  a  drummer  boy  in  a  regi- 
ment for  two  years,  and  my  eolonel  got  angry  with  me 
and  turned  me  off.  I  was  taken  sick  and  have  been  a 
long  time  in  the  hospital."  The  President  discovered 
that  the  boy  had  no  home,  no  father  —  he  had  died  in 
the  army  —  no  mother.  "  I  have  no  father,  no  mother, 
no  brothers,  no  sisters,  and,"  bursting  into  tears,  "  no 
friends  —  nobody  cares  for  me."  Mr.  Lincoln's  eyes 
filled  with  tears,  and  the  boy's  heart  was  soon  made  glad 
by  a  request  to  certain  officials  "  to  care  for  this  poor 
boy." 


100  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"UNCLE  ABRAHAM"  HAD  EVERYTHING 
READY 

"  You  can't  do  anything  with  them  Southern  fel- 
lows/' the  old  man  at  the  table  was  saying. 

"If  they  get  whipped,  they'll  retreat  to  them  South- 
ern swamps  and  bayous  along  with  the  fishes  and  croco- 
diles. You  haven't  got  the  fish-nets  made  that'll  catch 
'em." 

"  Look  here,  old  gentleman/'  remarked  President 
Lincoln,  who  was  sitting  alongside,  "  we've  got  just  the 
nets  for  traitors,  in  the  bayous  or  anywhere." 

"Hey?     What  nets?" 

"  Bayou-nets !  "  and  "  Uncle  Abraham  "  pointed  his 
joke  with  his  fork,  spearing  a  fishball  savagely. 


A  CASE  WHERE  LINCOLN  THOUGHT 
SHOOTING  WOULD  DO  NO  GOOD 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Kellogg,  representative  from  Essex 
County,  N.  Y.,  received  a  dispatch  one  evening  from  the 
army  to  the  effect  that  a  young  townsman  who  had  been 
induced  to  enlist  through  his  instrumentality  had,  for  a 
serious  demeanor,  been  convicted  by  a  court-martial  and 
was  to  be  shot  the  next  day.  Greatly  agitated,  Mr. 
Kellogg  went  to  the  Secretary  of  War  and  urged,  in  the 
strongest  manner,  a  reprieve.     Stanton  was  inexorable. 

"  Too  many  cases  of  this  kind  had  been  let  off,"  said 
he,  "  and  it  was  time  an  example  was  made." 

Exhausting  his  eloquence  in  vain,  Mr.  Kellogg  said: 

"  Well,  Mr.  Secretary,  the  boy  is  not  going  to  be 
shot,  of  that  I  give  you  fair  warning !  " 

Leaving  the  War  Department,  he  went  directly  to  the 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  101 

White  House,  although  the  hour  was  late.  The  sentinel 
on  duty  told  him  that  special  orders  had  been  given  to 
admit  no  one  whatever  that  night. 

After  a  long  parley,  by  pledging  himself  to  assume 
the  responsibility  of  the  act,  the  Congressman  passed 
in.  Mr.  Lincoln  had  retired,  but  indifferent  to  etiquette 
or  ceremony,  Judge  Kellogg  pressed  his  way  through  all 
obstacles  to  his  sleeping  apartment.  In  an  excited  man- 
ner he  stated  that  the  dispatch  announcing  the  hour  of 
execution  had  just  reached  him. 

"  This  man  must  not  be  shot,  Mr.  President,"  said 
he.  "  I  can't  help  what  he  may  have  done.  Why,  he 
is  an  old  neighbor  of  mine;  I  can't  allow  him  to  be 
shot !  " 

Mr.  Lincoln  had  remained  in  bed,  quietly  listening  to 
the  protestations  of  his  old  friend  (they  were  in  Con- 
gress together).     He  at  length  said: 

"  Well,  I  don't  believe  shooting  will  do  him  any  good. 
Give  me  that  pen." 

And  so  saying,  "  red  tape  "  was  unceremoniously  cut, 
and  another  poor  fellow's  life  was  indefinitely  extended. 


THE  PRESIDENT'S  OBEYING  ORDERS 

The  President  was  at  the  battle  of  Fort  Stevens,  and 
standing  in  a  very  exposed  position,  he  apparently  had 
been  recognized  by  the  enemy.  A  young  colonel  of  ar- 
tillery, who  appeared  to  be  the  officer  of  the  day,  finally 
decided  to  insist  on  the  President  removing  to  a  safer  lo- 
cation. 

He  walked  to  where  the  President  was  looking  over 
the  parapet,  and  said,  "  Mr.  President,  you  are  standing 
within  range  of  four  hundred  rebel  rifles.     Please  come 


102  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

down  to  a  safer  place.     If  you  do  not,  it  will  be  my  duty 
to  call  a  file  of  men,  and  make  you." 

"  And  you  would  do  quite  right,  my  boy !  "  said  the 
President,  coming  down  at  once.  "  You  are  in  com- 
mand of  the  fort.  I  should  be  the  last  man  to  set  an 
example  of  disobedience !  " 


THE  MILLIONAIRES  WHO  WANTED  A 
GUNBOAT 

A  delegation  of  New  York  millionaires  in  1862 
waited  on  President  Lincoln  to  request  that  he  furnish 
a  gunboat  for  the  protection  of  New  York  harbor. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  after  listening  patiently,  said,  "  Gentle- 
men: The  credit  of  the  Government  is  at  a  very  low 
ebb;  greenbacks  are  not  worth  more  than  forty  or  fifty 
cents  on  the  dollar;  it  is  impossible  for  me,  in  the  pres- 
ent condition  of  things,  to  furnish  you  a  gunboat,  and,  in 
this  condition  of  things,  if  I  was  worth  half  as  much  as 
you,  gentlemen,  are  represented  to  be,  and  as  badly 
frightened  as  you  seem  to  be,  I  would  build  a  gunboat 
and  give  it  to  the  Government." 

They  went  away  —  but  they  did  not  build  the  gun- 
boat. 


STANTON  CALLED  LINCOLN  A  FOOL 

Mr.  Lovejov,  heading  a  committee  of  western  men, 
discussed  an  important  scheme  with  the  President,  and 
was  then  directed  to  explain  it  to  Secretary  Stanton. 
Upon  presenting  themselves  to  the  Secretary,  and  show- 
ing the  President's  order,  the  Secretary  said,  "  Did  Lin- 
coln give  you  an  order  of  that  kind?  "     "  He  did,  sir." 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  103 

"  Then  he  is  a  d d  fool,"  said  the  angry  Secretary. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  the  President  is  a  d d 

fool?  "  asked  Lovejoy,  in  amazement.  "  Yes,  sir,  if  he 
gave  you  such  an  order  as  that." 

The  bewildered  Illinoisan  betook  himself  at  once  to 
the  President  and  related  the  result  of  the  conference. 
"  Did  Stanton  say  I  was  a  d d  fool?  "  asked  Lin- 
coln, at  the  close  of  the  recital.  "  He  did,  sir,  and  re- 
peated it."     After  a  moment's  pause,  and  looking  up, 

the  President  said:     "  If  Stanton  said  I  was  a  d d 

fool,  then  I  must  be  one,  for  he  is  nearly  always  right, 
and  generally  says  what  he  means.  I  will  slip  over  and 
see  him." 


A  PETITIONER'S  SUDDEN  CHANGE 
OF  MIND 

The  President  was  feeling  indisposed,  and  had  sent 
for  his  physician,  who  upon  his  arrival  informed  the 
President  that  his  trouble  was  either  varioloid,  or  mild 
smallpox.  "They're  all  over  me.  Is  it  contagious?" 
said  Mr.  Lincoln.  "  Yes,"  answered  the  Doctor,  "  very 
contagious,  indeed." 

"  Well,"  said  a  visitor,  "  I  can't  stop.  I  just  called 
to  see  you." 

"  Oh,  don't  be  in  a  hurry,  sir,"  placidly  said  the 
President. 

"  Thank  you,  sir;  I'll  call  again,"  retreating  abruptly. 

"  Some  people,"  said  the  Executive,  looking  after  him, 
"  said  they  could  not  take  very  well  to  my  proclamation, 
but  now,  I  am  happy  to  say,  I  have  something  that 
everybody  can  take." 


104  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

LINCOLN'S  MODESTY 

Secretary  Chase,  when  Secretary  of  the  Treasury, 
had  a  disagreement,  and  the  Secretary  had  resigned. 

The  President  was  urged  not  to  accept  it,  as  "  Secre- 
tary Chase  is  to-day  a  national  necessity/'  his  advisers 
said.  "  How  mistaken  you  are !  "  he  quietly  observed. 
"  Yet  it  is  not  strange;  I  used  to  have  similar  notions. 
No !  if  we  should  all  be  turned  out  to-morrow,  and  could 
come  back  here  in  a  week,  we  should  find  our  places 
filled  by  a  lot  of  fellows  doing  just  as  well  as  we  did, 
and  in  many  instances  better. 

"  As  the  Irishman  said,  '  In  this  country  one  man  is 
as  good  as  another;  and,  for  the  matter  of  that,  very 
often  a  great  deal  better/  No;  this  Government  does 
not  depend  upon  the  life  of  any  man." 


HOW     YOUNG     DANIEL     WEBSTER     ES- 
CAPES A  FLOGGING,  AS  RELATED 
BY  LINCOLN 

Mr.  Lincoln,  on  one  occasion,  narrated  to  Hon.  Mr. 
Odell  and  others,  with  much  zest,  the  following  story 
about  young  Daniel  Webster: 

When  quite  young,  at  school,  Daniel  was  one  day 
guilty  of  a  gross  violation  of  the  rules.  He  was  de- 
tected in  the  act,  and  called  up  by  the  teacher  for 
punishment.  This  was  to  be  the  old-fashioned  "  fer- 
uling "  of  the  hand.  His  hands  happened  to  be  very 
dirty.  Knowing  this,  on  the  way  to  the  teacher's  desk, 
he  spit  upon  the  palm  of  his  right  hand,  wiping  it  off 
upon  the  side  of  his  pantaloons. 

"  Give  me  your  hand,  sir,"  said  the  teacher,  very 
sternly. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  105 

Out  went  the  right  hand,  partly  cleansed.  The 
teacher  looked  at  it  a  moment,  and  said: 

"  Daniel,  if  you  will  find  another  hand  in  this  school- 
room as  filthy  as  that,  I  will  let  you  off  this  time." 

Instantly  from  behind  the  back  came  the  left  hand. 
"  Here  it  is,  sir,"  was  the  ready  reply. 

"  That  will  do,"  said  the  teacher,  "  for  this  time;  you 
can  take  your  seat,  sir." 


DENNIS  HANKS  AT  THE  WHITE  HOUSE 

Dennis  Hanks  was  once  asked  to  visit  Washington  to 
secure  the  pardon  of  certain  persons  in  jail  for  partici- 
pation in  copperheadism.  Dennis  went  and  arrived  in 
Washington,  and  instead  of  going,  as  he  said,  to  a 
"  tavern,"  he  went  to  the  White  House.  There  was  a 
porter  on  guard,  and  he  asked: 

"Is  Abe  in?" 

"  Do  you  mean  Mr.  Lincoln  ?  "  asked  the  porter. 

"  Yes;  is  he  in  there?  "  and  brushing  the  porter  aside 
he  strode  into  the  room  and  said,  "  Hello,  Abe;  how  are 
you?  " 

And  Abe  said,  "  Well !  "  and  just  gathered  him  up  in 
his  arms  and  talked  of  the  days  gone  by. 

Oh,  the  days  gone  by!  They  talked  of  their  boy- 
hood days,  and  by  and  by  Lincoln  said: 

"  What  brings  you  here  all  the  way  from  Illinois  ?  " 

And  then  Dennis  told  him  his  mission,  and  Lincoln 
replied : 

"  I  will  grant  it,  Dennis,  for  old-times'  sake.  I  will 
send  for  Mr.  Stanton.     It  is  his  business." 

Stanton  came  into  the  room,  and  strolled  up  and 
down,  and  said  that  the  men  ought  to  be  punished  more 


106  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

than  they  were.  Mr.  Lincoln  sat  quietly  in  his  chair 
and  waited  for  the  tempest  to  subside,  and  then  quietly 
said  to  Stanton  he  would  like  to  have  the  papers  next 
day. 

When  he  had  gone  Dennis  said: 

"  Abe,  if  I  were  as  big  and  as  ugly  as  you  are,  I 
would  take  him  over  my  knee  and  spank  him." 

Lincoln  replied :  "  No,  Stanton  is  an  able  and  valu- 
able man  for  this  nation,  and  I  am  glad  to  beat  his 
anger  for  the  service  he  can  give  this  nation.'"' 


UNHEALTHY  GROUP  OF  OFFICE 
SEEKERS 

A  delegation  was  pressing  the  claims  of  a  gentleman 
as  commissioner  to  the  Sandwich  Islands.  Among  the 
many  points  urged  was  that  the  applicant  was  in  poor 
health.  The  President  closed  the  interview  with  the 
good-natured  remark:  "  Gentlemen,  I  am  sorry  to  say 
that  there  are  eight  other  applicants  for  that  place,  and 
they  are  all  sicker  than  your  man." 


THE  OLD  LADY  AND  THE  PAIR  OF 
STOCKINGS 

An  old  lady  from  the  country  called  on  the  Presi- 
dent, her  tanned  face  peering  out  from  the  interior  of 
a  huge  sunbonnet.  Her  errand  was  to  present  Mr. 
Lincoln  a  pair  of  stockings  of  her  own  make  a  yard 
long. 

Kind  tears  came  to  his  eyes  as  she  spoke  to  him,  and 
then,  holding  the  stockings  one  in  each  hand,  dangling 
wide  apart  for  general  inspection,  he  assured  her  that 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  107 

he  should  take  them  with  him  to  Washington,  where 
(and  here  his  eyes  twinkled)  he  was  sure  he  should  not 
be  able  to  find  any  like  them.  The  amusement  of  the 
company  was  not  at  all  diminished  by  Mr.  Boutwell's 
remark,  that  the  lady  had  evidently  made  a  very  cor- 
rect estimate  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  latitude  and  longitude. 


ONE  BULLET  AND  A  HATFUL 

Lincoln  made  the  best  of  everything,  and  if  he 
couldn't  get  what  he  wanted  he  took  what  he  could  get. 
In  matters  of  policy,  while  President  he  acted  accord- 
ing to  this  rule.  He  would  take  perilous  chances,  even 
when  the  result  was,  to  the  minds  of  his  friends,  not 
worth  the  risk  he  had  run. 

One  day  at  a  meeting  of  the  Cabinet,  it  being  at  the 
time  when  it  seemed  as  though  war  with  England  and 
France  could  not  be  avoided,  Secretary  of  State  Seward 
and  Secretary  of  War  Stanton  warmly  advocated  that 
the  United  States  maintain  an  attitude,  the  result  of 
which  would  have  been  a  declaration  of  hostilities  by  the 
European  Powers  mentioned. 

"  Why  take  any  more  chances  than  are  absolutely 
necessary?  "  asked  the  President. 

"  We  must  maintain  our  honor  at  any  cost,"  insisted 
Secretary  Seward. 

"  We  would  be  branded  as  cowards  before  the  entire 
world,"  Secretary  Stanton  said. 

"  But  why  run  the  greater  risk  when  we  can  take  a, 
smaller  one?  "  queried  the  President  calmly.  "  The 
less  risk  we  run  the  better  for  us.  That  reminds  me 
of  a  story  I  heard  a  day  or  two  ago,  the  hero  of  which 
was  on  the  firing  line  during  a  recent  battle,  where  the 


108  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

bullets  were  flying  thick.  Finally  his  courage  gave  way 
entirely,  and  throwing  down  his  gun,  he  ran  for  dear 
life. 

"  As  he  was  flying  along  at  top  speed  he  came  across 
an  officer  who  drew  his  revolver  and  shouted,  '  Go  back 
to  your  regiment  at  once  or  I  will  shoot  you ! ' 

Shoot     and    be    hanged/     the    racer     exclaimed. 
'  What's  one  bullet  to  a  whole  hatful?  '  " 


NOISE  LIKE  A  TURNIP 

"  Every  man  has  his  own  peculiar  and  particular  way 
of  getting  at  and  doing  things/'  said  President  Lincoln 
one  day,  "  and  he  is  often  criticised  because  that  way  is 
not  the  one  adopted  by  others.  The  great  idea  is  to 
accomplish  what  you  set  out  to  do.  When  a  man  is  suc- 
cessful in  whatever  he  attempts,  he  has  many  imitators, 
and  the  methods  used  are  not  so  closely  scrutinized,  al- 
though no  man  who  is  of  good  intent  will  resort  to  mean, 
underhanded,  scurvy  tricks. 

"  That  reminds  me  of  a  fellow  out  in  Illinois,  who  had 
better  luck  in  getting  prairie  chickens  than  any  one  in 
the  neighborhood.  He  had  a  rusty  old  gun  no  other 
man  dared  to  handle ;  he  never  seemed  to  exert  himself, 
being  listless  and  indifferent  when  out  after  game,  but 
he  always  brought  home  all  the  chickens  he  could  carry, 
while  some  of  the  others,  with  their  finely  trained  dogs 
and  latest  improved  fowling-pieces,  came  home  alone. 

"'How  is  it,  Jake?'  inquired  one  sportsman,  who, 
although  a  good  shot,  and  knew  something  about  hunt- 
ing, was  often  unfortunate,  '  that  you  never  come  home 
without  a  lot  of  birds  ?  ' 

"  Jake  grinned,   half  closed   his   eyes,   and   replied : 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  109 

'  Oh,  I  don't  know  that  there's  anything  queer  about  it. 
I  jes'  go  ahead  an'  git  'em.' 

"  '  Yes,  I  know  you  do;  but  how  do  you  do  it?  * 

"  '  You'll  tell/ 

"  '  Honest,  Jake,  I  won't  say  a  word.  Hope  to  drop 
dead  this  minute.' 

"  '  Never  say  nothing,  if  I  tell  you?  ' 
Cross  my  heart  three  times.' 

"  This  reassured  Jake,  who  put  his  mouth  close  to  the 
ear  of  his  eager  questioner  and  said,  in  a  whisper: 

"  '  All  you  got  to  do  is  jes'  to  hide  ill  a  fence  corner 
an'  make  a  noise  like  a  turnip.  That'll  bring  the  chick- 
ens every  time.'  " 


"  PLOW  ALL   'ROUND  HIM  " 

Governor  Blank  went  to  the  War  Department  one 
day  in  a  towering  rage: 

"  I  suppose  you  found  it  necessary  to  make  large  con- 
cessions to  him,  as  he  returned  from  you  perfectly  satis- 
fied," suggested  a  friend. 

"  Oh,  no,"  the  President  replied,  "  I  did  not  concede 
anything.  You  have  heard  how  that  Illinois  farmer 
got  rid  of  a  big  log  that  was  too  big  to  haul  out,  too 
knotty  to  split,  and  too  wet  and  soggy  to  burn. 

M  '  Well,  now,'  said  he,  in  response  to  the  inquiries  of 
his  neighbors  one  Sunday,  as  to  how  he  got  rid  of  it, 
'  well,  now,  boys,  if  you  won't  divulge  the  secret,  I'll  tell 
you  how  I  got  rid  of  it  —  I  plowed  around  it.' 

"  Now,"  remarked  Lincoln,  in  conclusion,  "  don't  tell 
anybody,  but  that's  the  way  I  got  rid  of  Governor  Blank. 
I  plowed  all  round  him,  but  it  took  me  three  mortal 
hours  to  do  it,  and  I  was  afraid  every  minute  he'd  see 
what  I  was  at." 


110  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  I'VE  LOST  MY  APPLE  " 

During  a  public  "  reception/'  a  farmer  from  one  of 
the  border  counties  of  Virginia  told  the  President  that 
the  Union  soldiers,  in  passing  his  farm,  had  helped  them- 
selves not  only  to  hay,  but  his  horse,  and  he  hoped  the 
President  would  urge  the  proper  officer  to  consider  his 
claim  immediately. 

Mr.  Lincoln  said  that  this  reminded  him  of  an  old 
acquaintance  of  his,  "  Jack  "  Chase,  a  lumberman  on  the 
Illinois,  a  steady,  sober  man,  and  the  best  raftsman  on 
the  river.  It  was  quite  a  trick  to  take  the  logs  over  the 
rapids;  but  he  was  skillful  with  a  raft,  and  always  kept 
her  straight  in  the  channel.  Finally  a  steamer  was  put 
on,  and  "  Jack  "  was  made  captain  of  her.  He  always 
used  to  take  the  wheel,  going  through  the  rapids.  One 
day  when  the  boat  was  plunging  and  wallowing  along 
the  boiling  current,  and  "  Jack's  "  utmost  vigilance  was 
being  exercised  to  keep  her  in  the  narrow  channel,  a  boy 
pulled  his  coat-tail  and  hailed  him  with : 

"  Say,  Mister  Captain!  I  wish  you  would  just  stop 
your  boat  a  minute  —  I've  lost  my  apple  overboard !  " 


A  LONG  WAY  DOWN 

A  "  high  "  private  of  the  One  Hundred  and  Fortieth 
Infantry  Regiment,  Pennsylvania  Volunteers,  wounded 
at  Chancellorsville,  was  taken  to  Washington.  One 
day,  as  he  was  becoming  convalescent,  a  whisper  ran 
down  the  long  row  of  cots  that  the  President  was  in 
the  building  and  would  soon  pass  by.  Instantly  every 
boy  in  blue  who  was  able  arose,  stood  erect,  hands  to  the 
side,  ready  to  salute  his  Commander-in-Chief. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  111 

The  Pennsylvania!!  stood  six  feet  seven  inches  in  his 
stockings.  Lincoln  was  six  feet  four.  As  the  Presi- 
dent approached  this  giant  towering  above  him,  he 
stopped  in  amazement,  and  casting  his  eyes  from  head 
to  foot  and  from  foot  to  head,  as  if  contemplating  the 
immense  distance  from  one  extremity  to  the  other,  he 
stood  for  a  moment  speechless. 

At  length,  extending  his  hand,  he  exclaimed.  "  Hello, 
comrade,  do  you  know  when  your  feet  get  cold  ?  " 


HELL  A  MILE  FROM  THE  WHITE  HOUSE 

Ward  Lamon  told  this  story  of  President  Lincoln, 
whom  he  found  one  day  in  a  particularly  gloomy  frame 
of  mind.     Lamon  said: 

"  The  President  remarked,  as  I  came  in,  '  I  fear  I 
have  made  Senator  Wade,  of  Ohio,  my  enemy  for  life.' 
How?  '  I  asked. 
'  Well/  continued  the  President,  '  Wade  was  here 
just  now  urging  me  to  dismiss  Grant,  and,  in  response  to 
something  he  said,  I  remarked,  "  Senator,  that  reminds 
me  of  a  story."  ' 

"  '  What  did  Wade  say  ?  '  I  inquired  of  the  President. 

"  *  He  said,  in  a  petulant  way/  the  President  re- 
sponded, '  "  It  is  with  you,  sir,  all  story,  story !  You 
are  the  father  of  every  military  blunder  that  has  been 
made  during  the  war.  You  are  on  your  road  to  hell, 
sir,  with  this  government,  by  your  obstinacy,  and  you 
are  not  a  mile  off  this  minute."  ' 

"  '  What  did  you  say  then?  ' 

"  '  I  good-naturedly  said  to  him/  the  President  re- 
plied, "'Senator,  that  is  just  about  from  here  to  the 
Capitol,  is  it  not?  "  He  was  very  angry,  grabbed  up 
his  hat  and  cane,  and  went  away.'  " 


112  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"WHO  COMMENCED  THIS  FUSS?" 

President  Lincoln  was  at  all  times  an  advocate  of 
peace,  provided  it  could  be  obtained  honorably  and  with 
credit  to  the  United  States.  As  to  the  cause  of  the 
Civil  War,  which  side  of  Mason  and  Dixon's  line  was  re- 
sponsible for  it,  who  fired  the  first  shots,  who  were  the 
aggressors,  etc.,  Lincoln  did  not  seem  to  bother  about; 
he  wanted  to  preserve  the  Union,  above  all  things. 
Slavery,  he  was  assured,  "was  dead,  but  he  thought  the 
former  slaveholders  should  be  recompensed. 

To  illustrate  his  feelings  in  the  matter  he  told  this 
story: 

"  Some  of  the  supporters  of  the  Union  cause  are  op- 
posed to  accommodate  or  yield  to  the  South  in  any  man- 
ner or  way  because  the  Confederates  began  the  war; 
were  determined  to  take  their  States  out  of  the  Union, 
and,  consequently,  should  be  held  responsible  to  the  last 
stage  for  whatever  may  come  in  the  future.  Now  this 
reminds  me  of  a  good  story  I  heard  once,  when  I  lived  in 
Illinois. 

"  A  vicious  bull  in  a  pasture  took  after  everybody  who 
tried  to  cross  the  lot,  and  one  day  a  neighbor  of  the 
owner  was  the  victim.  This  man  was  a  speedy  fellow 
and  got  to  a  friendly  tree  ahead  of  the  bull,  but  not  in 
time  to  climb  the  tree.  So  he  led  the  enraged  animal  a 
merry  race  around  the  tree,  finally  succeeding  in  seizing 
the  bull  by  the  tail. 

"  The  bull,  being  at  a  disadvantage,  not  able  to  either 
catch  the  man  or  release  his  tail,  was  mad  enough  to  eat 
nails ;  he  dug  up  the  earth  with  his  feet,  scattered  gravel 
all  around,  bellowed  until  you  could  hear  him  for  two 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  113 

miles  or  more,  and  at  length  broke  into  a  dead  run,  the 
man  hanging  onto  his  tail  all  the  time. 

"  While  the  bull,  much  out  of  temper,  was  legging  it 
to  the  best  of  his  ability,  his  tormentor,  still  clinging  to 
the  tail,  asked,  '  Darn  you,  who  commenced  this  fuss  ?  ' 

'  It's  our  duty  to  settle  this  fuss  at  the  earliest  pos- 
sible moment,  no  matter  who  commenced  it.  That's  my 
idea  of  it." 


HIS  "  GLASS  HACK  " 

President  Lincoln  had  not  been  in  the  White  House 
very  long  before  Mrs.  Lincoln  became  seized  with  the 
idea  that  a  fine  new  barouche  was  about  the  proper  thing 
for  "  the  first  lady  in  the  land."  The  President  did 
not  care  particularly  about  it  one  way  or  the  other,  and 
told  his  wife  to  order  whatever  she  wanted. 

Lincoln  forgot  all  about  the  new  vehicle,  and  was 
overcome  with  astonishment  one  afternoon  when,  hav- 
ing acceded  to  Mrs.  Lincoln's  desire  to  go  driving,  he 
found  a  beautiful  barouche  standing  in  front  of  the  door 
of  the  White  House. 

His  wife  watched  him  with  an  amused  smile,  but  the 
only  remark  he  made  was,  "  Well,  Mary,  that's  about  the 
slickest  '  glass  hack  '  in  town,  isn't  it?  " 


WHERE  DID  IT  COME  FROM? 

"  What  made  the  deepest  impression  upon  you?  "  in- 
quired a  friend  one  day,  "  when  you  stood  in  the  pres- 
ence of  the  Falls  of  Niagara,  the  greatest  of  natural 
wonders  ?  " 

"  The  thing  that  struck  me  most  forcibly  when  I  saw 


114  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

the  Falls/'  Lincoln  responded,  with  characteristic  de- 
liberation, "  was,  where  in  the  world  did  all  that  water 
come  from  ?  " 


EASIER  TO  EMPTY  THE  POTOMAC 

An  officer  of  low  volunteer  rank  persisted  in  telling 
and  re-telling  his  troubles  to  the  President  on  a  summer 
afternoon  when  Lincoln  was  tired  and  careworn. 

After  listening  patiently,  he  finally  turned  upon  the 
man,  and,  looking  wearily  out  upon  the  broad  Potomac  in 
the  distance,  said  in  a  peremptory  tone  that  ended  the 
interview : 

"  Now,  my  man,  go  away,  go  away.  I  cannot  meddle 
in  your  case.  I  could  as  easily  bail  out  the  Potomac 
River  with  a  teaspoon  as  attend  to  all  the  details  of  the 
army." 


"AND  YOU  DON'T  WEAR  HOOPSKIRTS " 

An  Ohio  Senator  had  an  appointment  with  President 
Lincoln  at  six  o'clock,  and  as  he  entered  the  vestibule  of 
the  White  House  his  attention  was  attracted  toward  a 
poorly  clad  young  woman,  who  was  violentty  sobbing. 
He  asked  her  the  cause  of  her  distress.  She  said  she 
had  been  ordered  away  by  the  servants,  after  vainly 
waiting  many  hours  to  see  the  President  about  her  only 
brother,  who  had  been  condemned  to  death.  Her  story 
was  this: 

She  and  her  brother  were  foreigners,  and  orphans. 
They  had  been  in  this  country  several  years.  Her 
brother  enlisted  in  the  army,  but,  through  bad  influences, 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  115 

was  induced  to  desert.  He  was  captured,  tried  and 
sentenced  to  be  shot  —  the  old  story. 

The  poor  girl  had  obtained  the  signatures  of  some 
persons  who  had  formerly  known  him,  to  a  petition  for  a 
pardon,  and  alone  had  come  to  Washington  to  lay  the 
case  before  the  President.  Thronged  as  the  waiting- 
rooms  always  were,  she  had  passed  the  long  hours  of 
two  days  trying  in  vain  to  get  an  audience,  and  had  at 
length  been  ordered  away. 

The  gentleman's  feelings  were  touched.  He  said  to 
her  that  he  had  come  to  see  the  President,  but  did  not 
know  as  he  should  succeed.  He  told  her,  however,  to 
follow  him  upstairs,  and  he  would  see  what  could  be 
done  for  her. 

Just  before  reaching  the  door,  Mr.  Lincoln  came  out, 
and,  meeting  his  friend,  said  good-humoredly,  "  Are  you 
not  ahead  of  time?"  The  gentleman  showed  him  his 
watch,  with  the  hand  upon  the  hour  of  six. 

"  Well,"  returned  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  I  have  been  so 
busy  to-day  that  I  have  not  had  time  to  get  a  lunch. 
Go  in  and  sit  down ;  I  will  be  back  directly." 

The  gentleman  made  the  young  woman  accompany 
him  into  the  office,  and  when  they  were  seated,  said  to 
her:  "  Now,  my  good  girl,  I  want  you  to  muster  all  the 
courage  you  have  in  the  world.  When  the  President 
comes  back,  he  will  sit  down  in  that  armchair.  I  shall 
get  up  to  speak  to  him,  and  as  I  do  so  you  must  force 
yourself  between  us,  and  insist  upon  his  examination  of 
your  papers,  telling  him  it  is  a  case  of  life  and  death, 
and  admits  of  no  delay." 

These  instructions  wrere  carried  out  to  the  letter.  Mr. 
Lincoln  was  at  first  somewhat  surprised  at  the  apparent 
forwardness  of  the  young  woman,  but  observing  her  dis- 


116  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

tressed  appearance,  he  ceased  conversation  with  his 
friend,  and  commenced  an  examination  of  the  document 
she  had  placed  in  his  hands. 

Glancing  from  it  to  the  face  of  the  petitioner,  whose 
tears  had  broken  forth  afresh,  he  studied  its  expression 
for  a  moment,  and  then  his  eye  fell  upon  her  scanty  but 
neat  dress.     Instantly  his  face  lighted  up. 

"  My  poor  girl,"  said  he,  "  you  have  come  here  with 
no  Governor,  or  Senator,  or  member  of  Congress  to 
plead  your  cause.  You  seem  honest  and  truthful;  and 
you  don't  wear  hoopskirts  —  and  I  will  be  whipped  but 
I  will  pardon  your  brother."     And  he  did. 


"AARON  GOT  HIS  COMMISSION" 

President  Lincoln  was  censured  for  appointing  one 
that  had  zealously  opposed  his. second  term. 

He  replied:  "Well,  I  suppose  Judge  E.,  having 
been  disappointed  before,  did  behave  pretty  ugly,  but 
that  wouldn't  make  him  any  less  fit  for  the  place ;  and  I 
think  I  have  Scriptural  authority  for  appointing  him. 

"  You  remember  when  the  Lord  was  on  Mount  Sinai 
getting  out  a  commission  for  Aaron,  that  same  Aaron 
was  at  the  foot  of  the  mountain  making  a  false  god  for 
the  people  to  worship.  Yet  Aaron  got  his  commission, 
you  know." 


STORIES  BETTER  THAN  DOCTORS 

A  gentleman,  visiting  a  hospital  at  Washington, 
heard  an  occupant  of  one  of  the  beds  laughing  and  talk- 
ing about  the  President,  who  had  been  there  a  short  time 
before   and  gladdened  the  wounded  with  some   of  his 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  117 

stories.     The  soldier  seemed  in  such  good  spirits  that 

the  gentleman  inquired: 

"  You  must  be  very  slightly  wounded?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  brave  fellow,  "  very  slightly  — •  I 

have  only  lost  one  leg,  and  I'd  be  glad  enough  to  lose 

the  other,  if  I  could  hear  some  more  of  '  Old  Abe's  ' 

stories." 


THE  GENERAL  WAS  "  HEADED  IN  " 

A  Union  general,  operating  with  his  command  in 
West  Virginia,  allowed  himself  and  his  men  to  be 
trapped,  and  it  was  feared  his  force  would  be  captured 
by  the  Confederates.  The  President  heard  the  report 
read  by  the  operator,  as  it  came  over  the  wire,  and  re- 
marked : 

"  Once  there  was  a  man  out  West  who  was  '  heading ' 
a  barrel,  as  they  used  to  call  it.  He  worked  like  a  good 
fellow  in  driving  down  the  hoops,  but  just  about  the 
time  he  thought  he  had  the  job  done,  the  head  would  fall 
in.     Then  he  had  to  do  the  work  all  over  again. 

"  All  at  once  a  bright  idea  entered  his  brain,  and  he 
wondered  how  it  was  he  hadn't  figured  it  out  before. 
His  boy,  a  bright,  smart  lad,  was  standing  by,  very  much 
interested  in  the  business,  and,  lifting  the  young  one  up, 
he  put  him  inside  the  barrel,  telling  him  to  hold  the  head 
in  its  proper  place,  while  he  pounded  down  the  hoops  on 
the  sides.  This  worked  like  a  charm,  and  he  soon  had 
the  '  heading  '  done. 

"  Then  he  realized  that  his  boy  was  inside  the  bar- 
rel, and  how  to  get  him  out  he  couldn't  for  his  life  figure 
out.  General  Blank  is  now  inside  the  barrel,  '  headed 
in/  and  the  job  now  is  to  get  him  out." 


118  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

IT  TICKLED  THE  LITTLE  WOMAN 

Lincoln  had  been  in  the  telegraph  office  at  Spring- 
field during  the  casting  of  the  first  and  second  ballots 
in  the  Republican  National  Convention  at  Chicago,  and 
then  left  and  went  over  to  the  office  of  the  State  Journal, 
where  he  was  sitting  conversing  with  friends  while  the 
third  ballot  was  being  taken. 

In  a  few  moments  came  across  the  wires  the  announce- 
ment of  the  result.  The  superintendent  of  the  tele- 
graph company  wrote  on  a  scrap  of  paper:  "  Mr.  Lin- 
coln, you  are  nominated  on  the  third  ballot/'  and  a  boy 
ran  with  the  message  to  Lincoln. 

He  looked  at  it  in  silence,  amid  the  shouts  of  those 
around  him;  then  rising  and  putting  it  in  his  pocket,  he 
said  quietly:  "  There's  a  little  woman  down  at  our 
house  would  like  to  hear  this;  I'll  go  down  and  tell 
her." 


NO  KIND  TO  GET  TO  HEAVEN  ON 

Two  ladies  from  Tennessee  called  at  the  White  House 
one  day  and  begged  Mr.  Lincoln  to  release  their  hus- 
bands, who  were  rebel  prisoners  at  Johnson's  Island. 
One  of  the  fair  petitioners  urged  as  a  reason  for  the 
liberation  of  her  husband  that  he  was  a  very  religious 
man,  and  rang  the  changes  on  this  pious  plea. 

"  Madam,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  you  say  your  husband 
is  a  religious  man.  Perhaps  I  am  not  a  good  judge  of 
such  matters,  but  in  my  opinion  the  religion  that  makes 
men  rebel  and  fight  against  their  government  is  not  the 
genuine  article;  nor  is  the  religion  the  right  sort  which 
reconciles  them  to  the  idea  of  eating  their  bread  in  the 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  119 

sweat  of  other  men's  faces.  It  is  not  the  kind  to  get  to 
heaven  on." 

Later,  however,  the  order  of  release  was  made,  Presi- 
dent Lincoln  remarking,  with  impressive  solemnity,  that 
he  would  expect  the  ladies  to  subdue  the  rebellious  spirit 
of  their  husbands,  and  to  that  end  he  thought  it  would 
be  well  to  reform  their  religion. 

"  True  patriotism,"  said  he,  "  is  better  than  the  wrong 
kind  of  piety." 


THE  APPLE  WOMAN'S  PASS 

One  day  when  President  Lincoln  was  receiving 
callers  a  buxom  Irish  woman  came  into  the  office,  and, 
standing  before  the  President,  with  her  hands  on  her 
hips,  said: 

"  Mr.  Lincoln,  can't  I  sell  apples  on  the  railroad?  " 

President  Lincoln  replied:  "  Certainly,  madam,  you 
can  sell  all  you  wish." 

"  But,"  she  said,  "  you  must  give  me  a  pass,  or  the 
soldiers  will  not  let  me." 

President  Lincoln  then  wrote  a  few  lines  and  gave 
them  to  her. 

"  Thank  you,  sir;  God  bless  you!  "  she  exclaimed  as 
she  departed  joyfully. 


SPLIT  RAILS  BY  THE  YARD 

It  was  in  the  spring  of  1830  that  "Abe"  Lincoln, 
"  wearing  a  jean  jacket,  shrunken  buckskin  trousers,  a 
coonskm  cap,  and  driving  an  ox-team,"  became  a  citizen 
of  Illinois.  He  was  physically  and  mentally  equipped 
for  pioneer  work.      His  first  desire  was  to  obtain  a  new 


120  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

and  decent  suit  of  clothes,  but,  as  he  had  no  money,  he 
was  glad  to  arrange  with  Nancy  Miller  to  make  him  a 
pair  of  trousers,  he  to  split  four  hundred  fence  rails  for 
each  yard  of  cloth  —  fourteen  hundred  rails  in  all. 
"  Abe  "  got  the  clothes  after  awhile. 

It  was  three  miles  from  his  father's  cabin  to  her  wood- 
lot,  where  he  made  the  forest  ring  with  the  sound  of  his 
ax.  "  Abe  "  had  helped  his  father  plow  fifteen  acres  of 
land,  and  split  enough  rails  to  fence  it,  and  he  then 
helped  to  plow  fifty  acres  for  another  settler. 


NOT  AS  SMOOTH  AS  HE  LOOKED 

Mr.  Lincoln's  skill  in  parrying  troublesome  ques- 
tions was  wonderful.  Once  he  received  a  call  from 
Congressman  John  Ganson,  of  Buffalo,  one  of  the  ablest 
lawyers  in  New  York,  who,  although  a  Democrat,  sup- 
ported all  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  war  measures.  Mr.  Ganson 
wanted  explanations.  Mr.  Ganson  was  very  bald  with 
a  perfectly  smooth  face.  He  had  a  most  direct  and  ag- 
gressive way  of  stating  his  views  or  of  demanding  what 
he  thought  he  was  entitled  to.  He  said :  "  Mr.  Lin* 
coin,  I  have  supported  all  of  your  measures  and 
think  I  am  entitled  to  your  confidence.  We  are  voting 
and  acting  in  the  dark  in  Congress,  and  I  demand  to 
know  —  think  I  have  the  right  to  ask  and  to  know  — 
what  is  the  present  situation,  and  what  are  the  prospects 
and  conditions  of  the  several  campaigns  and  armies." 

Mr.  Lincoln  looked  at  him  critically  for  a  moment 
and  then  said :     "  Ganson,  how  clean  you  shave !  " 

Most  men  would  have  been  offended,  but  Ganson  was 
too  broad  and  intelligent  a  man  not  to  see  the  point  and 
retire  at  once,  satisfied,  from  the  field. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  121 

"I'D  A  BEEN  MISSED  BY  MYSET" 

The  President  did  not  consider  that  every  soldier  who 
ran  away  in  battle,  or  did  not  stand  firmly  to  receive  a 
bayonet  charge,  was  a  coward.  He  was  of  opinion  that 
self-preservation  was  the  first  law  of  Nature,  but  he 
didn't  want  this  statute  construed  too  liberally  by  the 
troops. 

At  the  same  time  he  took  occasion  to  illustrate  a  point 
he  wished  to  make  by  a  story  in  connection  with  a  darky 
who  was  a  member  of  the  Ninth  Illinois  Infantry  Regi- 
ment. This  regiment  was  one  of  those  engaged  at  the 
capture  of  Fort  Donelson.  It  behaved  gallantly,  and 
lost  as  heavily  as  any. 

"  Upon  the  hurricane-deck  of  one  of  our  gunboats," 
said  the  President  in  telling  the  story,  "  I  saw  an  elderly 
darky,  with  a  very  philosophical  and  retrospective  cast 
of  countenance,  squatted  upon  his  bundle,  toasting  his 
shins  against  the  chimney,  and  apparently  plunged  into  a 
state  of  profound  meditation. 

"  As  the  negro  rather  interested  me,  I  made  some  in- 
quiries, and  found  that  he  had  really  been  with  the 
Ninth  Illinois  Infantry  at  Donelson,  and  began  to  ask 
him  some  questions  about  the  capture  of  the  place. 

"  '  Were  you  in  the  fight?  ' 

"  '  Had  a  little  taste  of  it,  sa.' 

"  '  Stood  your  ground,  did  you  ?  ' 

"  *  No,  sa,  I  runs.' 

"  '  Run  at  the  first  fire,  did  you  ?  ' 

"  '  Yes,  sa,  and  would  hab  run  soona,  had  I  knowd  it 
war  cominV 

"  '  Why,  that  wasn't  very  creditable  to  your  courage.' 

"  '  Dat  isn't  my  line,  sa  —  cookin's  my  profeshun.' 


122  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

'  Well,  but  have  you  no  regard  for  your  reputation  ?  * 
Reputation's  nuffin  to  me  by  de  side  ob  life.' 
Do  you  consider  your  life  worth  more  than  other 
people's  ?  ' 

It's  worth  more  to  me,  sa.' 
Then  you  must  value  it  very  highly  ?  ' 
'  Yes,  sa,  I  does,  more  dan  all  dis  wuld,  more  dan  a 
a  million  ob  dollars,  sa,  for  what  would  dat  be  wuth  to  a 
man  wid  de  bref  out  ob  him?     Self-preservation  am  de 
fust  law  wid  me.' 

But  why  should  you  act  upon  a  different  rule  from 
other  men?  ' 

Different  men  set  different  values  on  their  lives ; 
mine  is  not  in  de  market.' 

'  But  if  you  lost  it  you  would  have  the  satisfaction 
of  knowing  that  you  died  for  your  country.' 
"  '  Dat  no  satisfaction  when  feelin's  gone.' 

Then  patriotism  and  honor  are  nothing  to  you?  ' 
"  '  Nufin  whatever,  sa  —  I  regard  them  as  among  the 
vanities/ 

"  '  If  our  soldiers  were  like  you,  traitors  might  have 
broken  up  the  government  without  resistance.' 

"  '  Yes,  sa,  dar  would  hab  been  no  help  for  it.  I 
wouldn't  put  my  life  in  de  scale  'g'inst  any  gobern- 
ment  dat  eber  existed,  for  no  gobernment  could  replace 
de  loss  to  me/ 

"  '  Do  you  think  any  of  your  company  would  have 
missed  you  if  you  had  been  killed  ?  ' 

"  '  Maybe  not,  sa  —  a  dead  white  man  ain't  much  to 
dese  sogers,  let  alone  a  dead  nigga  —  but  I'd  a  missed 
myse'f,  and  dat  was  de  p'int  wid  me.' 

"  I  only  tell  this  story,"  concluded  the  President,  "  in 
order  to  illustrate  the  result  of  the  tactics  of  some  of  the 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  123 

Union  generals  who  would  be  sadly  '  missed  '  by  them- 
selves, if  no  one  else,  if  they  ever  got  out  of  the  Army." 


EVEN  REBELS  OUGHT  TO  BE  SAVED 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Shrigley,  of  Philadelphia,  a  Univer- 
salist,  had  been  nominated  for  hospital  chaplain,  and  a 
protesting  delegation  went  to  Washington  to  see  Presi- 
dent Lincoln  on  the  subject. 

"  We  have  called,  Mr.  President,  to  confer  with  you 
in  regard  to  the  appointment  of  Mr.  Shrigley,  of  Phila- 
delphia, as  hospital  chaplain." 

The  President  responded:  "  Oh,  yes,  gentlemen.  I 
have  sent  his  name  to  the  Senate,  and  he  will  no  doubt 
be  confirmed  at  an  early  date." 

One  of  the  young  men  replied:  "  We  have  not  come 
to  ask  for  the  appointment,  but  to  solicit  you  to  with- 
draw the  nomination." 

"Ah!"  said  Lincoln,  "that  alters  the  case;  but  on 
what  grounds  do  you  wish  the  nomination  withdrawn?  " 

The  answer  was :  "  Mr.  Shrigley  is  not  sound  in  his 
theological  opinions." 

The  President  inquired:  "On  what  question  is  the 
gentleman  unsound?  " 

Response:  "  He  does  not  believe  in  endless  punish- 
ment; not  only  so,  sir,  but  he  believes  that  even  the 
rebels  themselves  will  be  finally  saved." 

"  Is  that  so?  "  inquired  the  President. 

The  members  of  the  committee  responded,  "  Yes, 
yes." 

"  Well,  gentlemen,  if  that  be  so,  and  there  is  any  way 
under  Heaven  whereby  the  rebels  can  be  saved,  then, 


124  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

for   God's   sake   and  their  sakes,   let  the  man   be   ap- 
pointed/' 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Shrigley  was  appointed,  and  served  un- 
til the  close  of  the  war. 


TOOK  NOTHING  BUT  MONEY 

During  the  War  Congress  appropriated  $10,000  to 
be  expended  by  the  President  in  defending  United 
States  Marshals  in  cases  of  arrests  and  seizures  where 
the  legality  of  their  actions  was  tested  in  the  courts. 
Previously  the  Marshals  sought  the  assistance  of  the  At- 
torney-General in  defending  them,  but  when  they  found 
that  the  President  had  a  fund  for  that  purpose  they 
sought  to  control  the  money. 

In  speaking  of  these  Marshals  one  day,  Mr.  Lincoln 
said: 

"  They  are  like  a  man  in  Illinois,  whose  cabin  was 
burned  down,  and,  according  to  the  kindly  custom  of 
early  days  in  the  West,  his  neighbors  all  contributed 
something  to  start  him  again.  In  his  case  they  had  been 
so  liberal  that  he  soon  found  himself  better  off  than  be- 
fore the  fire,  and  he  got  proud.  One  day  a  neighbor 
brought  him  a  bag  of  oats,  but  the  fellow  refused  it  with 
scorn. 

"  '  No,'  said  he,  '  I'm  not  taking  oats  now.  I  take 
nothing  but  money.'  " 


"  HOW  DO  YOU  GET  OUT  OF  THIS 
PLACE?" 

"  It  seems  to  me,"  remarked  the  President  one  day 
while  reading  over  some  of  the  appealing  telegrams  sent 
to  the  War  Department  by  General  McClellan,  "  that 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  125 

McClellan  has  been  wandering  around  and  has  sort  of 
got  lost.  He's  been  hollering  for  help  ever  since  he 
went  South  —  wants  somebody  to  come  to  his  deliver- 
ance and  get  him  out  of  the  place  he's  got  into. 

"  He  reminds  me  of  the  story  of  a  man  out  in  Illinois 
who,  in  company  with  a  number  of  friends,  visited  the 
State  penitentiary.  They  wandered  all  through  the  in- 
stitution and  saw  everything,  but  just  about  the  time  to 
depart  this  particular  man  became  separated  from  his 
friends  and  couldn't  find  his  way  out. 

"  He  roamed  up  and  down  one  corridor  after  an- 
other, becoming  more  desperate  all  the  time,  when,  at 
last,  he  came  across  a  convict  who  was  looking  out  from 
between  the  bars  of  his  cell-door.  Here  was  salvation 
at  last.     Hurrying  up  to  the  prisoner  he  hastily  asked: 

"  *  Say !     How  do  you  get  out  of  this  place?  ' ; 


GOOD  MEMORY  OF  NAMES 

The  following  story  illustrates  the  power  of  Mr.  Lin- 
coln's memory  of  names  and  faces.  When  he  was  a 
comparatively  young  man,  and  a  candidate  for  the  Illi- 
nois Legislature,  he  made  a  personal  canvass  of  the  dis- 
trict. While  "  swinging  around  the  circle  "  he  stopped 
one  day  and  took  dinner  with  a  farmer  in  Sangamon 
county. 

Years  afterward,  when  Mr.  Lincoln  had  become 
President,  a  soldier  came  to  call  on  him  at  the  White 
House.  At  the  first  glance  the  Chief  Executive  said: 
"  Yes,  I  remember ;  you  used  to  live  on  the  Danville 
road.  I  took  dinner  with  you  when  I  was  running  for 
the  Legislature.  I  recollect  that  we  stood  talking  out 
at  the  barnyard  gate  while  I  sharpened  my  jack-knife." 


126  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  Y-a-a-s,"  drawled  the  soldier,  "  you  did.  But  say, 
wherever  did  you  put  that  whetstone?  I  looked  for  it 
a  dozen  times,  but  I  never  could  find  it  after  the  day  you 
used  it.  We  allowed  as  how  mabby  you  took  it  'long 
with  you." 

"  No/'  said  Lincoln,  looking  serious  and  pushing 
away  a  lot  of  documents  of  state  from  the  desk  in  front 
of  him.  "  No,  I  put  it  on  top  of  that  gatepost  —  that 
high  one." 

"  Well !  "  exclaimed  the  visitor,  "  mabby  you  did. 
Couldn't  anybody  else  have  put  it  there,  and  none  of  us 
ever  thought  of  looking  there  for  it." 

The  soldier  was  then  on  his  way  home,  and  when  he 
got  there  the  first  thing  he  did  was  to  look  for  the  whet- 
stone. And  sure  enough,  there  it  was,  just  where  Lin- 
coln had  laid  it  fifteen  years  before.  The  honest  fellow 
wrote  a  letter  to  the  Chief  Magistrate,  telling  him  that 
the  whetstone  had  been  found,  and  would  never  be  lost 
again. 


WHY  LINCOLN  GREW  WHISKERS 

Perhaps  the  majority  of  people  in  the  United  States 
don't  know  why  Lincoln  "  growed  "  whiskers  after  his 
first  nomination  for  the  Presidency.  Before  that  time 
his  face  was  clean  shaven. 

In  the  beautiful  village  of  Westfield,  Chautauqua 
county,  New  York,  there  lived,  in  1860,  little  Grace 
Bedell.  During  the  campaign  of  that  year  she  saw  a 
portrait  of  Lincoln,  for  whom  she  felt  the  love  and  rev- 
erence that  was  common  in  Republican  families,  and  his 
smooth,  homely  face  rather  disappointed  her.  She  said 
to   her  mother:      "I    think,  mother,  that   Mr.   Lincoln 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  127 

would  look  better  if  he  wore  whiskers,  and  I  mean  to 
write  and  tell  him  so." 

The  mother  gave  her  permission. 

Grace's  father  was  a  Republican;  her  two  brothers 
were  Democrats.  Grace  wrote  at  once  to  the  "  Hon. 
Abraham  Lincoln,  Esq.,  Springfield,  Illinois,"  in  which 
she  told  him  how  old  she  was,  and  where  she  lived; 
that  she  was  a  Republican;  that  she  thought  he  would 
make  a  good  President,  but  would  look  better  if  he 
would  let  his  whiskers  grow.  If  he  would  do  so,  she 
would  try  to  coax  her  brothers  to  vote  for  him.  She 
thought  the  rail  fence  around  the  picture  of  his  cabin 
was  very  pretty.  "If  you  have  not  time  to  answer 
my  letter,  will  you  allow  your  little  girl  to  reply  for 
you?" 

Lincoln  was  much  pleased  with  the  letter,  and  decided 
to  answer  it,  which  he  did  at  once,  as  follows: 

"  Springfield,  Illinois,  October  19,  1860. 
"Miss  Grace  Bedell. 

"My  Dear  Little  Miss:  Your  very  agreeable  letter  of  the 
fifteenth  is  received.  I  regret  the  necessity  of  saying  I  have 
no  daughter.  I  have  three  sons;  one  seventeen,  one  nine  and 
one  seven  years  of  age.  They,  with  their  mother,  constitute 
my  whole  family.  As  to  the  whiskers,  having  never  worn 
any,  do  you  not  think  people  would  call  it  a  piece  of  silly 
affectation  if  I  should  begin  it  now? 

"  Your  very  sincere  well-wisher,  A.  Lincoln." 

When  on  the  journey  to  Washington  to  be  inaugu- 
rated, Lincoln's  train  stopped  at  Westfield.  He  rec- 
ollected his  little  correspondent  and  spoke  of  her  to 
ex-Lieutenant  Governor  George  W.  Patterson,  who 
called  out  and  asked  if  Grace  Bedell  was  present. 

There  was  a  large  surging  mass  of  people  gathered 


128  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

about  the  train,  but  Grace  was  discovered  at  a  dis- 
tance; the  crowd  opened  a  pathway  to  the  coach,  and 
she  came,  timidly  but  gladly,  to  the  President-elect, 
who  told  her  that  she  might  see  that  he  had  allowed 
his  whiskers  to  grow  at  her  request.  Then,  reaching 
out  his  long  arms,  he  drew  her  up  to  him  and  kissed 
her.  The  act  drew  an  enthusiastic  demonstration  of 
approval  from  the  multitude. 

Grace  married  a  Kansas  banker,  and  became  Grace 
Bedell  Billings. 


FASCINATED  BY  THE  WONDERFUL 

Lincoln  was  particularly  fascinated  by  the  won- 
derful happenings  recorded  in  history.  He  loved  to 
read  of  those  mighty  events  which  had  been  foretold, 
and  often  brooded  upon  these  subjects.  His  early 
convictions  upon  occult  matters  led  him  to  read  all 
books  tending  to  strengthen  these  convictions. 

The  following  lines,  in  Byron's  "  Dream,"  were  fre- 
quently quoted  by  him: 

"  Sleep  hath  its  own  world, 
A  boundary  between  the  things  misnamed 
Death  and  existence:  Sleep  hath  its  own  world 
And  a  wide  realm  of  wild  reality. 
And  dreams  in  their  development  have  breath, 
And  tears  and  tortures,  and  the  touch  of  joy; 
They  leave  a  weight  upon  our  waking  thoughts, 
They  take  a  weight  from  off  our  waking  toils, 
They  do  divide  our  being." 

Those  with  whom  he  was  associated  in  his  early 
youth  and  young  manhood,  and  with  whom  he  was 
always  in  cordial  sympathy,  were  thorough  believers 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  129 

in  presentiments  and  dreams;  and  so  Lincoln  drifted 
on  through  years  of  toil  and  exceptional  hardship  — 
meditative,  aspiring,  certain  of  his  star,  but  appalled 
at  times  by  its  malignant  aspect.  Many  times  prior 
to  his  first  election  to  the  Presidency  he  was  both 
elated  and  alarmed  by  what  seemed  to  him  a  rent  in 
the  veil  which  hides  from  mortal  view  what  the  future 
holds. 

He  saw,  or  thought  he  saw,  a  vision  of  glory  and 
of  blood,  himself  the  central  figure  in  a  scene  which 
his  fancy  transformed  from  giddy  enchantment  to  the 
most  appalling  tragedy. 


SENTINEL  OBEYED  ORDERS 

It  was  a  cold,  blusterous  winter  night,  sa}^s  Mr. 
C.  C.  Buel: 

"  Mr.  Lincoln  emerged  from  the  front  door,  his 
lank  figure  bent  over  as  he  drew  tightly  about  his 
shoulders  the  shawl  which  he  employed  for  such  pro- 
tection; for  he  was  on  his  way  to  the  War  Department, 
at  the  west  corner  of  the  grounds,  where  in  times  of 
battle  he  was  wont  to  get  the  midnight  dispatches  from 
the  field.  As  the  blast  struck  him  he  thought  of  the 
numbness  of  the  pacing  sentry,  and,  turning  to  him, 
said:  '  Young  man,  you've  got  a  cold  job  to-night; 
step  inside,  and  stand  guard  there.' 

My  orders  keep  me  out  here,'  the  soldier  re- 
plied. 

Yes/  said  the  President,  in  his  argumentative 
tone;  'but  your  duty  can  be  performed  just  as  well 
inside  as  out  here,  and  you'll  oblige  me  by  going  in/ 


130  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

" '  I  have  been  stationed  outside/  the  soldier  an- 
swered, and  resumed  his  beat. 

"  *  Hold  on  there ! '  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  as  he  turned 
back  again ;  '  it  occurs  to  me  that  I  am  Commander- 
in-Chief  of  the  army,  and  I  order  you  to  go  inside.'  " 


"  YANKEE  "  GOODNESS  OF  HEART 

One  day,  when  the  President  was  with  the  troops 
who  were  fighting  at  the  front,  the  wounded,  both 
Union  and  Confederate,  began  to  pour  in. 

As  one  stretcher  was  passing  Lincoln,  he  heard  the 
voice  of  a  lad  calling  to  his  mother  in  agonizing 
tones.  His  great  heart  filled.  He  forgot  the  crisis 
of  the  hour.  Stopping  the  carriers,  he  knelt,  and 
bending  over  him,  asked:  "What  can  I  do  for  you, 
my  poor  child  ?  " 

"  Oh,  you  will  do  nothing  for  me,"  he  replied.  "  You 
are  a  Yankee.  I  cannot  hope  that  my  message  to  my 
mother  will  ever  reach  her." 

Lincoln,  in  tears,  his  voice  full  of  tenderest  love, 
convinced  the  boy  of  his  sincerity,  and  he  gave  his 
good-by  words  without  reserve. 

The  President  directed  them  copied,  and  ordered 
that  they  be  sent  that  night,  with  a  flag  of  truce,  into 
the  enemy's  lines. 


NO   "SECOND  COMING"   FOR   SPRING- 
FIELD 

Soon  after  the  opening  of  Congress  in  1861,  Mr. 
Shannon,  from  California,  made  the  customary  call 
at   the    White    House.     In    the    conversation    that   en- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  131 

sued,  Mr.  Shannon  said:  "  Mr.  President,  I  met  an 
old  friend  of  yours  in  California  last  summer,  a  Mr. 
Campbell,  who  had  a  good  deal  to  say  of  your  Spring- 
field life." 

"  Ah,"  returned  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  I  am  glad  to  hear 
of  him.  Campbell  used  to  be  a  dry  fellow  in  those 
days,"  he  continued.  "  For  a  time  he  was  Secretary 
of  State.  One  day  during  the  legislative  vacation,  a 
meek,  cadaverous-looking  man,  with  a  white  neck- 
cloth, introduced  himself  to  him  at  his  office,  and, 
stating  that  he  had  been  informed  that  Mr.  C.  had 
the  letting  of  the  hall  of  representatives,  he  wished 
to  secure  it,  if  possible,  for  a  course  of  lectures  he  de- 
sired to  deliver  in  Springfield. 

'  May  I  ask,'  said  the  Secretary,  '  what  is  to  be 
the  subject  of  your  lectures?  ' 

'  Certainly,'  was  the  reply,  with  a  very  solemn  ex- 
pression of  countenance.  '  The  course  I  wish  to  de- 
liver is  on  the  Second  Coming  of  our  Lord/ 

"'It  is  of  no  use,'  said  C;  'if  you  will  take  my 
advice,  you  will  not  waste  your  time  in  this  city.  It 
is  my  private  opinion  that,  if  the  Lord  has  been  in 
Springfield  once,  He  will  never  come  the  second 
time!  '  " 


IT  WAS  A  FINE  FIZZLE 

President  Lincoln,  in  company  with  General 
Grant,  was  inspecting  the  Dutch  Gap  Canal  at  City 
Point.  "  Grant,  do  you  know  what  this  reminds  me 
of?  Out  in  Springfield,  111.,  there  was  a  blacksmith 
who,  not  having  much  to  do,  took  a  piece  of  soft  iron 
and   attempted  to   weld   it  into   an   agricultural   imple- 


132  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

ment,  but  discovered  that  the  iron  would  not  hold  out; 
then  he  concluded  it  would  make  a  claw  hammer; 
but  having  too  much  iron,  attempted  to  make  an  ax, 
but  decided  after  working  awhile  that  there  was  not 
enough  iron  left.  Finally,  becoming  disgusted,  he 
filled  the  forge  full  of  coal  and  brought  the  iron  to 
a  white  heat;  then  with  his  tongs  he  lifted  it  from  the 
bed  of  coals,  and  thrusting  it  into  a  tub  of  water  near 
by,  exclaimed :  '  Well,  if  I  can't  make  anything  else 
of  you,  I  will  make  a  fizzle,  anyhow.'  '  "  I  was 
afraid  that  was  about  what  we  had  done  with  the 
Dutch  Gap  Canal,"  said  General  Grant. 


A  TEETOTALER 

When  Lincoln  was  in  the  Black  Hawk  War  as 
captain,  the  volunteer  soldiers  drank  in  with  delight 
the  jests  and  stories  of  the  tall  captain.  iEsop's 
Fables  were  given  a  new  dress,  and  the  tales  of  the 
wild  adventures  that  he  had  brought  from  Kentucky 
and  Indiana  were  many,  but  his  inspiration  was  never 
stimulated  by  recourse  to  the  whisky  jug. 

When  his  grateful  and  delighted  auditors  pressed 
this  on  him  he  had  one  reply:  "  Thank  you,  I  never 
drink  it." 


SURE  CURE  FOR  BOILS 

President  Lincoln  and  Postmaster-General  Blair 
were  talking  of  the  war.  "  Blair,"  said  the  President, 
"  did  you  ever  know  that  fright  has  sometimes  proven 
a  cure  for  boils?"  "  No,  Mr.  President,  how  is 
that?  "     "  I'll   tell  you.     Not  long  ago   when   a  colo- 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  133 

nel,  with  his  cavalry,  was  at  the  front,  and  the  Rebs 
were  making  things  rather  lively  for  us,  the  colonel 
was  ordered  out  to  a  reconnoissance.  He  was  trou- 
bled at  the  time  with  a  big  boil  where  it  made  horse- 
back riding  decidedly  uncomfortable.  He  finally  dis- 
mounted and  ordered  the  troops  forward  without  him. 
Soon  he  was  startled  by  the  rapid  reports  of  pistols 
and  the  helter-skelter  approach  of  his  troops  in  full 
retreat  before  a  yelling  rebel  force.  He  forgot  every- 
thing but  the  yells,  sprang  into  his  saddle,  and  made 
capital  time  over  the  fences  and  ditches  till  safe  within 
the  lines.  The  pain  from  his  boil  was  gone,  and  the 
boil,  too,  and  the  colonel  swore  that  there  was  no 
cure  for  boils  so  sure  as  fright  from  rebel  yells." 


WISHED  JEFF  WOULD  SKIP 

At  an  informal  Cabinet  meeting,  at  which  the  dis- 
position of  Jefferson  Davis  and  other  prominent  Con- 
federates was  discussed,  each  member  of  the  Cabinet 
gave  his  opinion;  most  of  them  were  for  hanging  the 
traitors,  or  for  some  severe  punishment.  President 
Lincoln  said  nothing. 

Finally,  Joshua  F.  Speed,  his  old  and  confidential 
friend,  who  had  been  invited  to  the  meeting,  said, 
"  I  have  heard  the  opinion  of  your  Ministers,  and 
would  like  to  hear  yours." 

"  Well,  Josh,"  replied  President  Lincoln,  "  when  I 
was  a  boy  in  Indiana,  I  went  to  a  neighbor's  house 
one  morning  and  found  a  boy  of  my  own  size  holding 
a  coon  by  a  string.  I  asked  him  what  he  had  and 
what  he  was  doing. 

M  He  says,  '  It's  a  coon.     Dad  cotched  six  last  night, 


134  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

and  killed  all  but  this  poor  little  cuss.     Dad  told  me 

to  hold  him  until  he  came  back,  and  I'm  afraid  he's 

going  to  kill  this  one  too;  and  oh,  "  Abe/'  I  do  wish  he 

would  get  away ! ' 

"  '  Well,  why  don't  you  let  him  loose?  ' 

"  *  That   wouldn't   be    right;    and   if    I    let   him    go, 

Dad  would  give  me  h — .     But  if  he  got  away  himself, 

it  would  be  all  right/ 

"  Now,"  said  the  President,  "  if  Jeff  Davis  and  those 

other  fellows  will  only  get  away,  it  will  be  all  right. 

But  if  we  should  catch  them,  and  I   should  let  them 

go,  '  Dad  would  give  me  h — !  '  " 


MAJOR  ANDERSON'S  BAD  MEMORY 

Among  the  men  whom  Captain  Lincoln  met  in  the 
Black  Hawk  campaign  were  Lieutenant-Colonel  Zachary 
Taylor,  Lieutenant  Jefferson  Davis,  President  of  the 
Confederacy,  and  Lieutenant  Robert  Anderson,  all  of 
the  United  States  Army. 

Judge  Arnold,  in  his  "  Life  of  Abraham  Lincoln," 
relates  that  Lincoln  and  Anderson  did  not  meet  again 
until  some  time  in  1861.  After  Anderson  had  evacu- 
ated Fort  Sumter,  on  visiting  Washington,  he  called 
at  the  White  House  to  pay  his  respects  to  the  Presi- 
dent. Lincoln  expressed  his  thanks  to  Anderson  for 
his  conduct  at  Fort  Sumter,  and  then  said: 

"  Major,  do  you  remember  of  ever  meeting  me  be- 
fore?" 

"  No,  Mr.  President,  I  have  no  recollection  of  ever 
having  had  that  pleasure." 

"My  memory  is  better  than  yours,"  said  Lincoln; 
"  vou    mustered    me    into    the    service    of    the    United 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  135 

States  in  1832,  at  Dixon's  Ferry,  in  the  Black  Hawk 
war." 

THE  MAN  DOWN  SOUTH 

An  amusing  instance  of  the  President's  preoccupa- 
tion of  mind  occurred  at  one  of  his  levees,  when  he 
was  shaking  hands  with  a  host  of  visitors  passing  him 
in  a  continuous  stream. 

An  intimate  acquaintance  received  the  usual  con- 
ventional hand-shake  and  salutation,  but  perceiving 
that  he  was  not  recognized,  kept  his  ground  instead 
of  moving  on,  and  spoke  again,  when  the  President, 
roused  to  a  dim  consciousness  that  something  unusual 
had  happened,  perceived  who  stood  before  him,  and, 
seizing  his  friend's  hand,  shook  it  again  heartily,  say- 
ing: 

"  How  do  you  do?  How  do  you  do?  Excuse  me 
for  not  noticing  you.  I  was  thinking  of  a  man  down 
South." 

"  The  man  down  South  "  was  General  W.  T.  Sher- 
man, then  on  his  march  to  the  sea. 


"  FOOLING  THE  PEOPLE  " 

Lincoln  was  a  strong  believer  in  the  virtue  of  deal- 
ing honestly  with  the  people. 

"If  you  once  forfeit  the  confidence  of  your  fellow- 
citizens,"  he  said  to  a  caller  at  the  White  House,  "  you 
can  never  regain  their  respect  and  esteem. 

"  It  is  true  that  you  may  fool  all  the  people  some 
of  the  time;  you  can  even  fool  some  of  the  people  all 
the  time;  but  you  can't  fool  all  of  the  people  all  the 
time." 


136  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

SORRY  FOR  THE  HORSES 

When  President  Lincoln  heard  of  the  Confederate 
raid  at  Fairfax,  in  which  a  brigadier-general  and  a 
number  of  valuable  horses  were  captured  he  gravely 
observed : 

"  Well,  I  am  sorry  for  the  horses." 

"  Sorry  for  the  horses,  Mr.  President !  "  exclaimed 
the  Secretary  of  War,  raising  his  spectacles  and  throw- 
ing himself  back  in  his  chair  in  astonishment. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  I  can  make  a  briga- 
dier-general in  five  minutes,  but  it  is  not  easy  to  re- 
place a  hundred  and  ten  horses." 


A    FORTUNE-TELLER'S    PREDICTION 

Lincoln  had  been  born  and  reared  among  people 
who  were  believers  in  premonitions  and  supernatural 
appearances  all  his  life,  and  he  once  declared  to  his 
friends  that  he  was  "  from  boyhood  superstitious." 

He  at  one  time  said  to  Judge  Arnold  that  "  the  near 
approach  of  the  important  events  of  his  life  were  in- 
dicated by  a  presentiment  or  a  strange  dream,  or  in 
some  other  mysterious  way  it  was  impressed  upon  him 
that  something  important  was  to  occur."  This  was 
earlier  than  1850. 

It  is  said  that  on  his  second  visit  to  New  Orleans, 
Lincoln  and  his  companion,  John  Hanks,  visited  an  old 
fortune-teller  —  a  voodoo  negress.  Tradition  says  that 
"  during  the  interview  she  became  very  much  excited, 
and  after  various  predictions,  exclaimed:  'You  will 
be  President,  and  all  the  negroes  will  be  free.' ' 

That   the   old   voodoo   negress    should   have   foretold 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  137 

that  the  visitor  would  be  President  is  not  at  all  in- 
credible. She  doubtless  told  this  to  many  aspiring 
lads,  but  Lincoln,  so  it  is  avowed,  took  the  prophecy 
serioiisly. 


KEPT  HIS  COURAGE  UP 

The  President,  like  old  King  Saul,  when  his  term 
was  about  to  expire,  was  in  a  quandary  concerning  a 
further  lease  of  the  Presidential  office.  He  consulted 
again  the  "  prophetess  "  of  Georgetown,  immortalized 
by  his  patronage. 

She  retired  to  an  inner  chamber,  and,  after  raising 
and  consulting  more  than  a  dozen  of  distinguished 
spirits  from  Hades,  she  returned  to  the  reception-par- 
lor, where  the  chief  magistrate  awaited  her,  and  de- 
clared that  General  Grant  would  capture  Richmond, 
and  that  "  Honest  Old  Abe "  would  be  next  Presi- 
dent. 

She,  however,  as  the  report  goes,  told  him  to  beware 
of  Chase. 


NO  SUPERFLUOUS  LANGUAGE 

Cabinet  meeting  was  called  to  consider  our  rela- 
tions with  England  in  regard  to  the  Mason-Slidell  af- 
fair. One  after  another  of  the  Cabinet  presented  his 
views,  and  Mr.  Seward  read  an  elaborate  diplomatic 
dispatch,  which  he  had  prepared. 

Finally  Mr.  Lincoln  read  what  he  termed  "  a  few 
brief  remarks  upon  the  subject,"  and  asked  the  opin- 
ions of  his  auditors.  They  unanimously  agreed  that 
our  side  of  the  question  needed  no  more  argument  than 


138  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

was  contained  in  the  President's  "  few  brief  remarks." 

Mr.  Seward  said  he  would  be  glad  to  adopt  the  re- 
marks, and,  giving  them  more  of  the  phraseology  usual 
in  diplomatic  circles,  send  them  to  Lord  Palmerston, 
the  British  premier. 

"  Then,"  said  Secretary  Stanton,  "  came  the  dem- 
onstration. The  President,  half  wheeling  in  his  seat, 
threw  one  leg  over  the  chair-arm,  and,  holding  the  let- 
ter in  his  hand,  said,  "  Seward,  do  you  suppose  Palmer- 
ston will  understand  our  position  from  that  letter,  just 
as  it  is  ?  ' 

"  '  Certainly,  Mr.  President/ 

"  '  Do  you  suppose  the  London  Times  will?  ' 

"  '  Certainly/ 

"  '  Do  you  suppose  the  average  Englishman  of  af- 
fairs will  ?  ' 

"  '  Certainly;  it  cannot  be  mistaken  in  England/ 

"  '  Do  you  suppose  that  a  hackman  out  on  his  box 
(pointing  to  the  street)  will  understand  it  ?  ' 

"  '  Very  readily,  Mr.  President/ 

"  '  Very  well,  Seward,  I  guess  we'll  let  her  slide  just 
as  she  is/ 

"  And  the  letter  did  '  slide/  and  settled  the  whole 
business  in  a  manner  that  was  effective." 


WOULDN'T   HOLD   THE   TITLE  AGAINST 

HIM 

During  the  rebellion  the  Austrian  Minister  to  the 
United  States  Government  introduced  to  the  President 
a  count,  a  subject  of  the  Austrian  government,  who 
was  desirous  of  obtaining  a  position  in  the  American 
army.     Being  introduced  by  the  accredited  Minister  of 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  139 

Austria  he  required  no  further  recommendation  to  se- 
cure the  appointment;  but,  fearing  that  his  importance 
might  not  be  fully  appreciated  by  the  republican  Presi- 
dent, the  count  was  particular  in  impressing  the  fact 
upon  him  that  he  bore  that  title,  and  that  his  family 
was  ancient  and  highly  respectable. 

President  Lincoln  listened  with  attention,  until  this 
unnecessary  commendation  was  mentioned;  then,  with 
a  merry  twinkle  in  his  eye,  he  tapped  the  aristocratic 
sprig  of  hereditary  nobility  on  the  shoulder  in  the  most 
fatherly  way,  as  if  the  gentleman  had  made  a  confes- 
sion of  some  unfortunate  circumstance  connected  with 
his  lineage,  for  which  he  was  in  no  way  responsible, 
and  said: 

"  Never  mind,  you  shall  be  treated  with  just  as  much 
consideration  for  all  that.  I  will  see  to  it  that  your 
bearing  a  title  shan't  hurt  you." 


BIG  ENOUGH  HOG  FOR  HIM 

To  a  curiosity-seeker  who  desired  a  permit  to  pass 
the  lines  to  visit  the  field  of  Bull  Run,  after  the  first 
battle,  Lincoln  made  the  following  reply:  "  A  man  in 
Cortlandt  county  raised  a  porker  of  such  unusual  size 
that  strangers  went  out  of  their  way  to  see  it. 

"  One  of  them  the  other  day  met  the  old  gentleman 
and  inquired  about  the  animal. 

Wall,  yes,'  the  old  fellow  said,  '  I've  got  such  a 
critter,  mi'ty  big  un;  but  I  guess  I'll  have  to  charge  you 
about  a  shillin'  for  lookin'  at  him.' 

"  The  stranger  looked  at  the  old  man  for  a  minute 
or  so,  pulled  out  the  desired  coin,  handed  it  to  him  and 


140  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

started  to  go  off.     '  Hold  on/  said  the  other.     '  Don't 
you  want  to  see  the  hog?  ' 

No,'  said  the  stranger;  M  have  seen  as  big  a  hog 
as  I  want  to  see ! ' 

"  And  you  will  find  that  fact  the  case  with  yourself, 
if  you  should  happen  to  see  a  few  live  rebels  there  as 
well  as  dead  ones." 


THE  "  CHICKEN  "  FIGHT 

"  Bap."  McNabb  was  famous  for  his  ability  in  both 
the  raising  and  the  purchase  of  roosters  of  prime  fight- 
ing quality,  and  when  his  birds  fought  the  attendance 
was  large.  It  was  because  of  the  "  flunking  "  of  one 
of  "  Bap.'s  "  roosters  that  Lincoln  was  enabled  to  make 
a  point  when  criticising  McClellan's  unreadiness  and 
lack  of  energy. 

One  night  there  was  a  fight  on  the  schedule,  one  of 
"  Bap."  McNabb's  birds  being  a  contestant.  "  Bap." 
brought  a  little  red  rooster,  whose  fighting  qualities  had 
been  well  advertised  for  days  in  advance,  and  much  in- 
terest was  manifested  in  the  outcome.  As  the  result 
of  these  contests  was  generally  a  quarrel,  in  which 
each  man,  charging  foul  play,  seized  his  victim,  they 
chose  Lincoln  umpire,  relying  not  only  on  his  fairness 
but  his  ability  to  enforce  his  decisions.  Judge  Hern- 
don,  in  his  "  Abraham  Lincoln,"  says  of  this  notable 
event : 

"  I  cannot  improve  on  the  description  furnished  me 
in  February,  1865,  by  one  who  was  present. 

"  They  formed  a  ring,  and  the  time  having  arrived, 
Lincoln,  with  one  hand  on  each  hip  and  in  a  squatting 
position,  cried,  '  Ready.'     Into  the  ring  they  toss  their 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  141 

fowls,  '  Bap.'s  '  red  rooster  along  with  the  rest.  But 
no  sooner  had  the  little  beauty  discovered  what  was  to 
be  done  than  he  dropped  his  tail  and  ran. 

"  The  crowd  cheered,  while  '  Bap./  in  disappoint- 
ment, picked  him  up  and  started  away,  losing  his  quar- 
ter (entrance  fee)  and  carrying  home  his  dishonored 
fowl.  Once  arrived  at  the  latter  place  he  threw  his 
pet  down  with  a  feeling  of  indignation  and  chagrin. 

"  The  little  fellow,  out  of  sight  of  all  rivals, 
mounted  a  woodpile  and  proudly  flirting  out  his 
feathers,  crowed  with  all  his  might.  '  Bap.'  looked  on 
in  disgust. 

"  '  Yes,  you  little  cuss,'  he  exclaimed,  irreverently, 
'  you're  great  on  dress  parade,  but  not  worth  a  darn  in 
a  fight.'  " 

It  is  said,  according  to  Judge  Herndon,  that  Lincoln 
considered  McClellan  as  "  great  on  dress  parade,"  but 
not  so  much  in  a  fight. 


MORE  LIGHT  AND  LESS  NOISE 

The  President  wTas  bothered  to  death  by  those  per- 
sons who  boisterously  demanded  that  the  War  be 
pushed  vigorously;  also,  those  who  shouted  their  advice 
and  opinions  into  his  weary  ears,  but  who  never  sug- 
gested anything  practical.  These  fellows  were  not  in 
the  army,  nor  did  they  ever  take  any  interest,  in  a  per- 
sonal way,  in  military  matters,  except  when  engaged  in 
dodging  drafts. 

"  That  reminds  me,"  remarked  Mr.  Lincoln  one  day, 
"  of  a  farmer  who  lost  his  way  on  the  Western  frontier. 
Night  came  on,  and  the  embarrassments  of  his  position 
were  increased  by   a   furious   tempest   which   suddenly 


142  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

burst  upon  him.  To  add  to  his  discomfort,  his  horse 
had  given  out,  leaving  him  exposed  to  all  the  dangers  of 
the  pitiless  storm. 

"  The  peals  of  thunder  were  terrific,  the  frequent 
flashes  of  lightning  affording  the  only  guide  on  the 
road  as  he  resolutely  trudged  onward,  leading  his  j  aded 
steed.  The  earth  seemed  fairly  to  tremble  beneath 
him  in  the  war  of  elements.  One  bolt  threw  him  sud- 
denly upon  his  knees. 

"  Our  traveler  was  not  a  prayerful  man,  but  finding 
himself  involuntarily  brought  to  an  attitude  of  devo- 
tion, he  addressed  himself  to  the  Throne  of  Grace  in 
the  following  prayer  for  his  deliverance : 

"  '  O  God !  hear  my  prayer  this  time,  for  Thou  know- 
est  it  is  not  often  that  I  call  upon  Thee.  And,  O 
Lord !  if  it  is  all  the  same  to  Thee,  give  us  a  little  more 
light  and  a  little  less  noise/ 

"  I  wish,"  the  President  said,  sadly,  "  there  was  a 
stronger  disposition  manifested  on  the  part  of  our 
civilian  warriors  to  unite  in  suppressing  the  rebellion, 
and  a  little  less  noise  as  to  how  and  by  whom  the  chief 
executive  office  shall  be  administered." 


THE  PRESIDENTIAL  "  CHIN-FLY  " 

Some  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  intimate  friends  once  called 
his  attention  to  a  certain  member  of  his  Cabinet  who 
was  quietly  working  to  secure  a  nomination  for  the 
Presidency,  although  knowing  that  Mr.  Lincoln  was  to 
be  a  candidate  for  reelection.  His  friends  insisted 
that  the  Cabinet  officer  ought  to  be  made  to  give  up 
his  Presidential  aspirations  or  be  removed  from  office. 
The  situation  reminded  Mr.  Lincoln  of  a  story:     "  My 


ABRAHAxM  LINCOLN  143 

brother  and  I,"  he  said,  "  were  once  plowing  corn,  I 
driving  the  horse  and  he  holding  the  plow.  The 
horse  was  lazy,  but  on  one  occasion  he  rushed  across 
the  field  so  that  I,  with  my  long  legs,  could  scarcely 
keep  pace  with  him.  On  reaching  the  end  of  the  fur- 
row, I  found  an  enormous  chin-fly  fastened  upon  him, 
and  knocked  him  off.  My  brother  asked  me  what  I 
did  that  for.  I  told  him  I  didn't  want  the  old  horse 
bitten  in  that  way.  '  Why,'  said  my  brother,  *  that's 
all  that  made  him  go.'     Now,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  if 

Mr. has  a  Presidential  chin-fly  biting  him,  I'm  not 

going  to  knock  him  off,  if  it  will  only  make  his  depart- 
ment go." 


EQUINE  INGRATITUDE 

President  Lincoln,  while  eager  that  the  United 
States  troops  should  be  supplied  with  the  most  modern 
and  serviceable  weapons,  often  took  occasion  to  put  his 
foot  down  upon  the  mania  for  experimenting  with 
which  some  of  his  generals  were  afflicted.  While  en- 
gaged in  these  experiments  much  valuable  time  was 
wasted,  the  enemy  was  left  to  do  as  he  thought  best, 
no  battles  were  fought,  and  opportunities  for  winning 
victories  allowed  to  pass. 

The  President  was  an  exceedingly  practical  man,  and 
when  an  invention,  idea  or  discovery  was  submitted  to 
him,  his  first  step  was  to  ascertain  how  any  or  all  of 
them  could  be  applied  in  a  way  to  be  of  benefit  to 
the  army.  As  to  experimenting  with  "  contrivances  " 
which,  to  his  mind,  could  never  be  put  to  practical  use, 
he  had  little  patience. 

"  Some    of    these    generals,"    said    he,    "  experiment 


144  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

so  long  and  so  much  with  new-fangled,  fancy  notions 
that  when  they  are  finally  brought  to  a  head  they  are 
useless.  Either  the  time  to  use  them  has  gone  by,  or 
the  machine,  when  put  in  operation,  kills  more  than  it 
cures. 

"  One  of  these  generals,  who  has  a  scheme  for  '  con- 
densing '  rations,  is  willing  to  swear  his  life  away  that 
his  idea,  when  carried  to  perfection,  will  reduce  the  cost 
of  feeding  the  Union  troops  to  almost  nothing,  while 
the  soldiers  themselves  will  get  so  fat  that  they'll  '  bust 
out '  of  their  uniforms.  Of  course,  uniforms  cost  noth- 
ing, and  real  fat  men  are  more  active  and  vigorous  than 
lean,  skinny  ones,  but  that  is  getting  away  from  my 
story. 

"  There  was  once  an  Irishman  —  a  cabman  —  who 
had  a  notion  that  he  could  induce  his  horse  to  live  en- 
tirely on  shavings.  The  latter  he  could  get  for  noth- 
ing, while  corn  and  oats  were  pretty  high-priced.  So 
he  daily  lessened  the  amount  of  food  to  the  horse,  sub- 
stituting shavings  for  the  corn  and  oats  abstracted,  so 
that  the  horse  wouldn't  know  his  rations  were  being 
cut  down. 

"  However,  just  as  he  had  achieved  success  in  his  ex- 
periment, and  the  horse  had  been  taught  to  live  with- 
out other  food  than  shavings,  the  ungrateful  animal  '  up 
and  died,'  and  he  had  to  buy  another." 


TOO  MANY  PIGS  FOR  THE  TEATS 

A  gentleman  states  in  a  Chicago  journal:  "  In  the 
winter  of  1864,  after  serving  three  years  in  the  Union 
Army,  and  being  honorably  discharged,  I  made  applica- 
tion   for    the   post   sutlership    at   Point   Lookout.     My 


ABRAHAM   LINCOLN  145 

father  being  interested,   we   made   application   to   Mr. 
Stanton,  then  Secretary  of  War. 

"  We  obtained  an  audience,  and  were  ushered  into 
the  presence  of  the  most  pompous  man  I  ever  met. 
As  I  entered  he  waved  his  hand  for  me  to  stop  at  a 
given  distance  from  him,  and  then  put  these  questions, 
viz.: 

Did  you  serve  three  years  in  the  army?  ' 

"  '  I  did,  sir.' 

"  '  Were  you  honorably  discharged?  ' 

"  '  I  was,  sir.' 

"  '  Let  me  see  your  discharge/ 

"  I  gave  it  to  him.     He  looked  it  over,  then  said: 

"  '  Were  you  ever  wounded  ?  ' 

"  I  told  him  yes,  at  the  battle  of  Williamsburg,  May 
5,   1861. 

"  He  then  said:  '  I  think  we  can  give  this  position 
to  a  soldier  who  has  lost  an  arm  or  leg,  he  being  more 
deserving ' ;  and  he  then  said  I  looked  hearty  and 
healthy  enough  to  serve  three  years  more.  He  would 
not  give  me  a  chance  to  argue  my  case. 

"  The  audience  was  at  an  end.  He  waved  his  hand 
to  me.  I  was  then  dismissed  from  the  august  presence 
of  the  Honorable  Secretary  of  War. 

"  My  father  was  waiting  for  me  in  the  hallway,  who 
saw  by  my  countenance  that  I  was  not  successful.  I 
said  to  my  father: 

"'Let  us  go  over  to  Mr.  Lincoln;  he  may  give  us 
more  satisfaction.' 

"  He  said  it  would  do  me  no  good,  but  wre  went  over. 
Mr.  Lincoln's  reception  room  was  full  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen  when  we  entered. 


146  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

"  My  turn  soon  came.  Lincoln  turned  to  my  father 
and  said: 

Now,  gentlemen,  be  pleased  to  be  as  quick  as  pos- 
sible with  your  business,  as  it  is  growing  late.' 

"  My  father  then  stepped  up  to  Lincoln  and  intro- 
duced me  to  him.     Lincoln  then  said: 

Take  a  seat,  gentlemen,  and  state  your  business 
as  quickly  as  possible.' 

"  There  was  but  one  chair  by  Lincoln,  so  he  mo- 
tioned my  father  to  sit,  while  I  stood.  My  father 
stated  the  business  to  him  as  stated  above.  He  then 
said: 

"'Have   you  seen   Mr.   Stanton?' 

"We  told  him  yes,  that  he  had  refused.  He  (Mr. 
Lincoln)  then  said: 

Gentlemen,  this  is  Mr.  Stanton's  business ;  I  can- 
not interfere  with  him;  he  attends  to  all  these  matters 
and  I  am  sorry  I  cannot  help  you.' 

"  He  saw  that  we  were  disappointed,  and  did  his 
best  to  revive  our  spirits.  He  succeeded  well  with  my 
father,  who  was  a  Lincoln  man,  and  who  was  a  staunch 
Republican. 

"  Mr.  Lincoln  then  said: 

"  '  Now,  gentlemen,  I  will  tell  you  what  it  is ;  I  have 
thousands  of  applications  like  this  every  day,  but  we 
cannot  satisfy  all  for  this  reason,  that  these  posi- 
tions are  like  office  seekers  —  there  are  too  many  pigs 
for  the  teats.' 

"  The  ladies  who  were  listening  to  the  conversation 
placed  their  handkerchiefs  to  their  faces  and  turned 
away.  But  the  joke  of  '  Old  Abe  '  put  us  all  in  a  good 
humor.     We  then  left  the  presence  of  the  greatest  and 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  147 

most  just  man  who  ever  lived  to  fill  the  Presidential 
chair." 


MENACE  TO  THE  GOVERNMENT 

The  persistence  of  office-seekers  nearly  drove  Presi- 
dent Lincoln  wild.  They  slipped  in  through  the  half- 
opened  doors  of  the  Executive  Mansion;  they  dogged 
his  steps  if  he  walked;  they  edged  their  way  through 
the  crowds  and  thrust  their  papers  in  his  hands 
when  he  rode;  and,  taking  it  all  in  all,  they  well-nigh 
worried  him  to  death. 

He  once  said  that  if  the  Government  passed  through 
the  Rebellion  without  dismemberment  there  was  the 
strongest  danger  of  its  falling  a  prey  to  the  rapacity  of 
the  office-seeking  class. 

*  This  human  struggle  and  scramble  for  office,  for  a 
way  to  live  without  work,  will  finally  test  the  strength 
of  our  institutions,"  were  the  words  he  used. 


TROOPS  COULDN'T  FLY  OVER  IT 

On  April  20th,  a  delegation  from  Baltimore  ap- 
peared at  the  White  House  and  begged  the  President 
that  troops  for  Washington  be  sent  around  and  not 
through  Baltimore. 

President  Lincoln  replied,  laughingly:  "If  I  grant 
this  concession,  you  will  be  back  to-morrow  asking  that 
no  troops  be  marched  '  around  '  it." 

The  President  was  right.  That  afternoon,  and  again 
on  Sunday  and  Monday,  committees  sought  him,  pro- 
testing that  Maryland  soil  should  not  be  "  polluted  " 
by  the  feet  of  soldiers  marching  against  the  South. 


148  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

The  President  had  but  one  reply:  "We  must  have 
troops,  and  as  they  can  neither  crawl  under  Maryland 
nor  fly  over  it,  they  must  come  across  it." 


REBUKING  A  DOCTOR 

Dr.  Jerome  Walker,  of  Brooklyn,  told  how  Mr. 
Lincoln  once  administered  to  him  a  mild  rebuke.  The 
doctor  was  showing  Mr.  Lincoln  through  the  hospital 
at  City  Point. 

"  Finally,  after  visiting  the  wards  occupied  by  our 
invalid  and  convalescing  soldiers,"  said  Dr.  Walker, 
"  we  came  to  three  wards  occupied  by  sick  and  wounded 
Southern  prisoners.  With  a  feeling  of  patriotic  duty,  I 
said:  '  Mr.  President,  you  won't  want  to  go  in  there; 
they  are  only  rebels/ 

"  I  will  never  forget  how  he  stopped  and  gently  laid 
his  large  hand  upon  my  shoulder  and  quietly  answered, 
'  You  mean  Confederates ! '  And  I  have  meant  Con- 
federates ever  since. 

"  There  was  nothing  left  for  me  to  do  after  the 
President's  remark  but  to  go  with  him  through  these 
three  wards;  and  I  could  not  see  but  that  he  was  just 
as  kind,  his  hand-shakings  just  as  hearty,  his  interest 
just  as  real  for  the  welfare  of  the  men,  as  when  he  was 
among  our  own  soldiers." 


NO  ROCKEFELLER 

In  February,  1860,  not  long  before  his  nomination 
for  the  Presidency,  Lincoln  made  several  speeches  in 
Eastern  cities.  To  an  Illinois  acquaintance,  whom  he 
met  at  the  Astor  House,  in  New  York,  he  said: 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  140 

"  I  have  the  cottage  at  Springfield,  and  about  three 
thousand  dollars  in  money.  If  they  make  me  Vice- 
President  with  Seward,  as  some  say  they  will,  I  hope 
I  shall  be  able  to  increase  it  to  twenty  thousand,  and 
that  is  as  much  as  any  man  ought  to  want." 


OUTRAN  THE  RABBIT 

Mr.  Lincoln  enjoyed  the  description  of  how  this 
Congressman  led  the  race  from  Bull's  Run,  and  laughed 
at  it  heartily. 

"  I  never  knew  but  one  fellow  who  could  run  like 
that,"  he  said,  "  and  he  was  a  young  man  out  in  Illi- 
nois. He  had  been  sparking  a  girl,  much  against  the 
wishes  of  her  father.  In  fact,  the  old  man  took  such  a 
dislike  to  him  that  he  threatened  to  shoot  him  if  he  ever 
caught  him  around  his  premises  again. 

"  One  evening  the  young  man  learned  that  the  girl's 
father  had  gone  to  the  city,  and  he  ventured  out  to  the 
house.  He  was  sitting  in  the  parlor,  with  his  arm 
around  Betsy's  waist,  when  he  suddenly  spied  the  old 
man  coming  around  the  corner  of  the  house  with  a  shot- 
gun. Leaping  through  a  window  into  the  garden,  he 
started  down  a  path  at  the  top  of  his  speed.  He  was 
a  long-legged  fellow,  and  could  run  like  greased  light- 
ning. Just  then  a  jack-rabbit  jumped  up  in  the  path 
in  front  of  him.  In  about  two  leaps  he  overtook  the 
rabbit.  Giving  it  a  kick  that  sent  it  high  in  the  air,  he 
exclaimed :  '  Git  out  of  the  road,  gosh  dern  you,  and 
let  somebody  run  that  knows  how.' 

"  I  reckon,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  that  the  long-legged 
Congressman,  when  he  saw  the  rebel  muskets,  must 
have  felt  a  good  deal  like  that  young  fellow  did  when 
he  saw  the  old  man's  shot-gun." 


150  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

IDENTIFIED  THE  COLORED  MAN 

Many  applications  reached  Lincoln  as  he  passed 
to  and  from  the  White  House  and  the  War  Depart- 
ment. One  day  as  he  crossed  the  park  he  was  stopped 
by  a  negro,  who  told  him  a  pitiful  story.  The  Presi- 
dent wrote  him  out  a  check,  which  read:  "  Pay  to  col- 
ored man  with  one  leg  five  dollars/' 


OFFICE  SEEKERS  WORSE  THAN  WAR 

When  the  Republican  party  came  into  power,  Wash- 
ington swarmed  with  office-seekers.  They  overran  the 
White  House  and  gave  the  President  great  annoyance. 
The  incongruity  of  a  man  in  his  position,  and  with  the 
very  life  of  the  country  at  stake,  pausing  to  appoint 
postmasters,  struck  Mr.  Lincoln  forcibly.  "  What  is 
the  matter,  Mr.  Lincoln/'  said  a  friend  one  day,  when 
he  saw  him  looking  particularly  grave  and  dispirited. 
"  Has  anything  gone  wrong  at  the  front  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  the  President,  with  a  tired  smile.  "  It 
isn't  the  war;  it's  the  postoffice  at  Brownsville,  Mis- 
souri." 


WELCOMED  THE  LITTLE  GIRLS 

At  a  Saturday  afternoon  reception  at  the  White 
House,  many  persons  noticed  three  little  girls,  poorly 
dressed,  the  children  of  some  mechanic  or  laboring 
man,  who  had  followed  the  visitors  into  the  White 
House  to  gratify  their  curiosity.  They  passed  around 
from  room  to  room,  and  were  hastening  through  the  re- 
ception-room, with  some  trepidation,  when  the  Presi- 
dent called  to  them: 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  151 

"  Little  girls,  are  you  going  to  pass  me  without  shak 
ing  hands?  " 

Then  he  bent  his  tall,  awkward  form  down,  and 
shook  each  little  girl  warmly  by  the  hand.  Everybody 
in  the  apartment  was  spellbound  by  the  incident,  so 
simple  in  itself. 


SLEEP  STANDING  UP 

McClellan  was  a  thorn  in  Lincoln's  side  — "  al- 
ways up  in  the  air,"  as  the  President  put  it  —  and  yet 
he  hesitated  to  remove  him.  "  The  Young  Napoleon  " 
was  a  good  organizer,  but  no  fighter.  Lincoln  sent  him 
everything  necessary  in  the  way  of  men,  ammunition, 
artillery  and  equipments,  but  he  was  forever  unready. 

Instead  of  making  a  forward  movement  at  the  time 
expected,  he  would  notify  the  President  that  he  must 
have  more  men.  These  were  given  him  as  rapidly  as 
possible,  and  then  would  come  a  demand  for  more 
horses,  more  this  and  that,  usually  winding  up  with  a 
demand  for  still  "  more  men." 

Lincoln  bore  it  all  in  patience  for  a  long  time,  but 
one  day,  when  he  had  received  another  request  for  more 
men,  he  made  a  vigorous  protest. 

"  If  I  gave  McClellan  all  the  men  he  asks  for,"  said 
the  President,  "  they  couldn't  find  room  to  lie  down. 
They'd  have  to  sleep  standing  up." 


"  CAN'T  SPARE  THIS  MAN  " 

One  night,  about  eleven  o'clock,  Colonel  A.  K.  Mc- 
Clure,  whose  intimacy  with  President  Lincoln  was  so 
great  that  he  could  obtain  admittance  to  the  Executive 
Mansion   at   any   and   all   hours,    called   at   the   White 


152  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

House  to  urge  Mr.  Lincoln  to  remove  General  Grant 
from  command. 

After  listening  patiently  for  a  long  time,  the  Presi- 
dent, gathering  himself  up  in  his  chair,  said,  with  the 
utmost  earnestness: 

"  I  can't  spare  this  man;  he  fights!  " 

In  relating  the  particulars  of  this  interview,  Colonel 
McClure  said: 

"  That  was  all  he  said,  but  I  knew  that  it  was 
enough,  and  that  Grant  was  safe  in  Lincoln's  hands 
against  his  countless  hosts  of  enemies.  The  only  man 
in  all  the  nation  who  had  the  power  to  save  Grant  was 
Lincoln,  and  he  had  decided  to  do  it.  He  was  not  in- 
fluenced by  any  personal  partiality  for  Grant,  for  they 
had  never  met. 

"  It  was  not  until  after  the  battle  of  Shiloh,  fought 
on  the  6th  and  7th  of  April,  1862,  that  Lincoln  was 
placed  in  a  position  to  exercise  a  controlling  influence 
in  shaping  the  destiny  of  Grant.  The  first  reports 
from  the  Shiloh  battle-field  created  profound  alarm 
throughout  the  entire  country,  and  the  wildest  exaggera- 
tions were  spread  in  a  floodtide  of  vituperation  against 
Grant. 

"  The  few  of  to-day  who  can  recall  the  inflamed  con- 
dition of  public  sentiment  against  Grant  caused  by  the 
disastrous  first  day's  battle  at  Shiloh  will  remember 
that  he  was  denounced  as  incompetent  for  his  command 
by  the  public  journals  of  all  parties  in  the  North,  and 
with  almost  entire  unanimity  by  Senators  and  Congress- 
men, regardless  of  political  affinities. 

"  I  appealed  to  Lincoln  for  his  own  sake  to  remove 
Grant  at  once,  and  in  giving  my  reasons  for  it  I  simply 
voiced  the   admittedly   overwhelming   protest   from  the 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  153 

loyal  people  of  the  land  against  Grant's  continuance  in 
command. 

"  I  did  not  forget  that  Lincoln  was  the  one  man  who 
never  allowed  himself  to  appear  as  wantonly  defying 
public  sentiment.  It  seemed  to  me  impossible  for  him 
to  save  Grant  without  taking  a  crushing  load  of  con- 
demnation upon  himself;  but  Lincoln  was  wiser  than 
all  those  around  him,  and  he  not  only  saved  Grant,  but 
he  saved  him  by  such  well-concerted  effort  that  he  soon 
won  popular  applause  from  those  who  were  most 
violent  in  demanding  Grant's  dismissal." 


JEFF  DAVIS  AND  CHARLES  THE  FIRST 

Jefferson  Davis  insisted  on  being  recognized  by  his 
official  title  as  commander  or  President  in  the  regular 
negotiation  with  the  Government.  This  Mr.  Lincoln 
would  not  consent  to. 

Mr.  Hunter  thereupon  referred  to  the  correspondence 
between  King  Charles  the  First  and  his  Parliament  as 
a  precedent  for  a  negotiation  between  a  constitutional 
ruler  and  rebels.  Mr.  Lincoln's  face  then  wore  that  in- 
describable expression  which  generally  preceded  his 
hardest  hits,  and  he  remarked:  "Upon  questions  of 
history,  I  must  refer  you  to  Mr.  Seward,  for  he  is 
posted  in  such  things,  and  I  don't  profess  to  be;  but 
my  only  distinct  recollection  of  the  matter  is,  that 
Charles  lost  his  head." 


A  GENERAL  BUSTIFICATION 

Many  amusing  stories  are  told  of  President  Lincoln 
and  his  gloves.  At  about  the  time  of  his  third  recep- 
tion he  had  on  a  tight-fitting  pair  of  white  kids,  which 


154  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

he  had  with  difficulty  got  on.  He  saw  approaching  in 
the  distance  an  old  Illinois  friend  named  Simpson, 
whom  he  welcomed  with  a  genuine  Sangamon  county 
(Illeenoy)  shake,  which  resulted  in  bursting  his  white 
kid  glove,  with  an  audible  sound.  Then,  raising  his 
brawny  hand  up  before  him,  looking  at  it  with  an  in- 
describable expression,  he  said,  while  the  whole  proces- 
sion was  checked,  witnessing  this  scene : 

"  Well,  my  old  friend,  this  is  a  general  bustification. 
You  and  I  were  never  intended  to  wear  these  things. 
If  they  were  stronger  they  might  do  well  enough  to 
keep  out  the  cold,  but  they  are  a  failure  to  shake  hands 
with  between  old  friends  like  us.  Stand  aside,  Cap- 
tain, and  I'll  see  you  shortly/' 

Simpson  stood  aside,  and  after  the  unwelcome  cere- 
mony was  terminated  he  rejoined  his  old  Illinois  friend 
in  familiar  intercourse. 


THE  DOG  WAS  AHEAD 

Lincoln  said  one  day,  just  after  one  of  his  bragging 
generals  had  been  soundly  thrashed  by  the  Confeder- 
ates: 

"  These  fellows  remind  me  of  the  fellow  who  owned 
a  dog  which,  so  he  said,  just  hungered  and  thirsted  to 
combat  and  eat  up  wolves.  It  was  a  difficult  matter, 
so  the  owner  declared,  to  keep  that  dog  from  devoting 
the  entire  twenty-four  hours  of  each  day  to  the  de- 
struction of  his  enemies.  He  just  'hankered'  to  get 
at  them. 

"  One  day  a  party  of  this  dog-owner's  friends 
thought  to  have  some  sport.  These  friends  heartily 
disliked  wolves,  and  were  anxious  to  see  the  dog  eat 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  155 

up  a  few  thousand.  So  they  organized  a  hunting  party 
and  invited  the  dog-owner  and  the  dog  to  go  with  them. 
They  desired  to  be  personally  present  when  the  wolf- 
killing  was  in  progress. 

"  It  was  noticed  that  the  dog-owner  was  not  over- 
enthusiastic  in  the  matter ;  he  pleaded  a  '  business  en- 
gagement,' but  as  he  was  the  most  notorious  and  torpid 
of  the  town  loafers,  and  wouldn't  have  recognized  a 
1  business  engagement '  had  he  met  it  face  to  face,  his 
excuse  was  treated  with  contempt.  Therefore  he  had 
to  go. 

"  The  dog,  however,  was  glad  enough  to  go,  and  so 
the  party  started  out.  Wolves  were  in  plenty,  and 
soon  a  pack  was  discovered,  but  when  the  '  wolf- 
hound '  saw  the  ferocious  animals  he  lost  heart,  and, 
putting  his  tail  between  his  legs,  endeavored  to  slink 
away.  At  last  —  after  many  trials  —  he  was  enticed 
into  the  small  growth  of  underbrush  where  the  wolves 
had  secreted  themselves,  and  yelps  of  terror  betrayed 
the  fact  that  the  battle  was  on. 

"  Away  flew  the  wolves,  the  dog  among  them,  the 
hunting  party  following  on  horseback.  The  wolves 
seemed  frightened,  and  the  dog  was  restored  to  public 
favor.  It  really  looked  as  if  he  had  the  savage 
creatures  on  the  run,  as  he  was  fighting  heroically  when 
last  sighted. 

'*  Wolves  and  dog  soon  disappeared,  and  it  was  not 
until  the  party  arrived  at  a  distant  farmhouse  that  news 
of  the  combatants  was  gleaned. 

"  '  Have  you  seen  anything  of  a  wolf-dog  and  a 
pack  of  wolves  around  here  ?  '  was  the  question  anx- 
iously put  to  the  male  occupant  of  the  house,  who  stood 
idly  leaning  upon  the  gate. 


156  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

Yep/  was  the  short  answer. 
How  were  they  going?  ' 
"  '  Purty  fast/ 

"  '  What  was  their  position  when  you  saw  them  ?  ' 
Well,'  replied  the  farmer,  in  a  most  exasperatingly 
deliberate  way,  '  the  dog  was  a  leetle  bit  ahead.' 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  concluded  the  President,  "  that's 
the  position  in  which  you'll  find  most  of  these  bragging 
generals  when  they  get  into  a  fight  with  the  enemy. 
That's  why  I  don't  like  military  orators." 


GRANT  "  TUMBLED  "  RIGHT  AWAY 

General  Grant  told  this  story  about  Lincoln  some 
years  after  the  War: 

"  Just  after  receiving  my  commission  as  lieutenant- 
general  the  President  called  me  aside  to  speak  to  me 
privately.  After  a  brief  reference  to  the  military  situa- 
tion, he  said  he  thought  he  could  illustrate  what  he 
wanted  to  say  by  a  story.      Said  he: 

"  '  At  one  time  there  was  a  great  war  among  the  ani- 
mals, and  one  side  had  great  difficulty  in  getting  a 
commander  who  had  sufficient  confidence  in  himself. 
Finally  they  found  a  monkey  by  the  name  of  Jocko, 
who  said  he  thought  he  could  command  their  army  if 
his  tail  could  be  made  a  little  longer.  So  they  got 
more  tail  and  spliced  it  on  to  his  caudal  appendage. 

"  '  He  looked  at  it  admiringly,  and  then  said  he 
thought  he  ought  to  have  still  more  tail.  This  was 
added,  and  again  he  called  for  more.  The  splicing 
process  was  repeated  many*  times  until  they  had  coiled 
Jocko's  tail  around  the  room,  filling  all  the  space. 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN  157 

"  '  Still  he  called  for  more  tail,  and,  there  being  no 
other  place  to  coil  it,  they  began  wrapping  it  around  his 
shoulders.  He  continued  his  call  for  more,  and  they 
kept  on  winding  the  additional  tail  around  him  until 
its  weight  broke  him  down.' 

"  I  saw  the  point,  and,  rising  from  my  chair,  replied, 
'  Mr.  President,  I  will  not  call  for  any  more  assistance 
unless  I   find  it  impossible  to  do  with  what  I  already 


FIVE-LEGGED  CALF 

President  Lincoln  had  great  doubt  as  to  his  right 
to  emancipate  the  slaves  under  the  War  power.  In  dis- 
cussing the  question,  he  used  to  liken  the  case  to  that  of 
tje  boy  who,  when  asked  how  many  legs  his  calf  would 
hatfc  if  he  called  its  tail  a  leg,  replied,  "  five,"  to  which 
the  prompt  response  was  made  that  calling  the  tail  a  leg 
would  not  make  it  a  leg. 


INCIDENT  IN  JwINCOLN'S  LAST  SPEECH 

Edward,  the  conservative  but  dignified  butler  of  the 
White  House,  was  seen  struggling  with  Tad  and  trying 
to  drag  him  back  from  the  window  from  which  was 
waving  a  Confederate  flag  captured  in  some  fight  and 
given  to  the  boy.  Edward  conquered  and  Tad,  rush- 
ing to  find  his  father,  met  him  coming  forward  to 
make,  as  it  proved,  his  last  speech. 

The  speech  began  with  these  words,  "  We  meet  this 
evening,  not  in  sorrow,  but  in  gladness  of  heart." 
Having  his  speech  written   in   loose  leaves,  and  being 


\ 

158  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF 

compelled  to  hold  a  candle  in  the  other  hand,  he  would 
let  the  loose  leaves  drop  to  the  floor  one  by  one.  Tad 
picked  them  up  as  they  fell,  and  impatiently  called  for 
more  as  they  fell  from  his  father's  hand. 


LINCOLN'S  LAST  AFTERNOON 

During  the  afternoon  the  President  signed  a  pardon 
for  a  soldier  sentenced  to  be  shot  for  desertion,  remark- 
ing as  he  did  so,  "  Well,  I  think  the  boy  can  do  us  more 
good  above  ground  than  under  ground." 

He  also  approved  an  application  for  the  discharge  on 
taking  the  oath  of  allegiance,  of  a  rebel  prisoner,  in 
whose  petition  he  wrote,  "  Let  it  be  done." 

This  act  of  mercy  was  his  last  official  order. 


LINCOLN'S  RELIGION 

He  once  remarked  to  a  friend  that  his  religion  was 
like  that  of  an  old  man  named  Glenn,  in  Indiana, 
whom  he  heard  speak  at  a  church  meeting,  and  who 
said,  "  When  I  do  good,  I  feel  good;  when  I  do  bad,  I 
feel  bad;  and  that's  my  religion." 

Mrs.  Lincoln  herself  has  said  that  Mr.  Lincoln  had 
no  faith  —  no  faith,  in  the  usual  acceptance  of  those 
words.  "He  never  joined  a  church;  but  still,  as  I 
believe,  he  was  a  religious  man  by  nature.  He  first 
seemed  to  think  about  the  subject  when  our  boy  Willie 
died,  and  then  more  than  ever  about  the  time  he  went 
to  Gettysburg;  but  it  was  a  kind  of  poetry  in  his 
nature,  and  he  never  was  a  technical  Christian." 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN"  159 

LINCOLN'S  SPEECH  AT  GETTYSBURG 

Delivered  at  the  dedication  of  the  Gettysburg  Na- 
tional Cemetery  on  the  Gettysburg  battle-field,  No- 
vember 19,  1863: 

"Ladies  and  Gentlemen:  Four  score  and  seven 
years  ago  our  fathers  brought  forth  upon  this  continent 
a  new  nation,  conceived  in  liberty,  and  dedicated  to  the 
proposition  that  all  men  are  created  equal.  Now  we 
are  engaged  in  a  great  civil  war,  testing  whether  thai 
nation,  or  any  nation  so  conceived  and  so  dedicated, 
can  long  endure.  We  are  met  on  a  great  battle-field 
of  that  war.  We  have  come  to  dedicate  a  portion  of 
that  field  as  a  final  resting-place  for  those  who  here 
gave  their  lives  that  that  nation  might  live.  It  is  alto- 
gether fitting  and  proper  that  we  should  do  this. 

"  But  in  a  larger  sense,  we  cannot  dedicate,  we  can- 
not consecrate,  we  cannot  hallow,  this  ground.  The 
brave  men,  living  and  dead,  who  struggled  here,  have 
consecrated  it  far  above  our  power  to  add  or  detract. 
The  world  will  little  note,  or  long  remember,  what  we 
say  here ;  but  it  can  never  forget  what  they  did  here. 

"  It  is  for  us,  the  living,  rather  to  be  dedicated  here 
to  the  unfinished  work  which  they  who  fought  here 
have  thus  far  so  nobly  advanced.  It  is  rather  for  us  to 
be  here  dedicated  to  the  great  task  remaining  before 
us,  that  from  these  honored  dead  we  take  increased 
devotion  to  that  cause  for  which  they  gave  the  last  full 
measure  of  devotion;  that  we  here  highly  resolve  that 
these  dead  shall  not  have  died  in  vain;  that  this  nation, 
under  God,  shall  have  a  new  birth  of  freedom,  and  that 
Government  of  the  people,  by  the  people,  and  for 
the  people,  shall  not  perish  from  the  earth." 


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